Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Happy to Be Warm

Angry woman on cell: I don’t care if you are an ordained fucking minister, you can go straight to fucking hell!

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Last-minute shopper

Crazy lady into microphone: Just because you don’t do drugs or have sex doesn’t mean you’re not going to hell!

–Subway station, 43rd & Broadway, Times Square

Teacher: Let’s go to hell!

–Stuyvesant High

Hobo: Is this the train to hell? It is! Oh my god, you’re all in purgatory!

–A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Geneva

Scruffy artist type, to self: I’m not in hell, I’m in New York. I’m not in hell, I’m in New York…

–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: David

Grandma, What Big Wednesday One-Liners You Have!

Girl on cell: Stop talking about my grandmother’s ba-donka-donk!

–6th & 2nd

Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning… Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I’m really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: dobby

Chick on cell: What should I get for Grandma? No, I’m not at a mall, I’m on the street… No, I don’t see anything she’d like, unless… Do you think Grandma wants a bong?

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Heather

Dude to hot chick: I’d rather have sex with you than my grandma.

–1 train

Overheard by: bldlube

Guy on cell: So then he’s like, ‘Dude, are you in prison again?’ And I was like, ‘No, dude, I’m talking to you online. How could I be in prison?’ And he was like, ‘There was a computer when I was in prison. I mean, you had to suck dick to get online, but whatever.’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I’m at my grandma’s house. We’re having tea and shit.’

–E 14th St & Irving

He Looks So Lucky

Hobo, to trees: 56, 60, 61, 20!
Girl: I think he just gave me my lottery numbers!

–Ave A

Overheard by: Katie

Guess You Win

Lady #1: Hey, Bonnie.
Lady #2: Hi, how are you?
Lady #1: I don’t know… One of my nurses quit today.
Lady #2: I was arrested yesterday.

–Elevator near Union Square

Can You Let Go of My Hair Now?

Angry chick: Yeah, so I am in this really fuckin’ Zen place. I’ve been doing fucking yoga, and I’m really calm and Zen. Can’t you tell how fucking Zen I am?!
Friend: Ummm… Yeah, totally.

–8th St & Astor Pl

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

When You Work It In, You Have to Work It Out

Guy: … And then she gets all pissed because I wouldn’t go down on her after we made love.
Female friend: Did she orgasm?
Guy: Well, no, but I really didn’t want to get my own semen all over my face!
Female friend: She gets your semen all over her face all the time!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: agrees with the woman.

And That’s All I’m Authorized to Take into Account

Lady: Pay attention! My legs don’t stop there.
Hubby: But yo’ pants do.

–E 12th & Ave A

Overheard by: Bases McGee

Little Cream-Filled Twinkie That She Is

Woman #1: They’re always having kids.
Woman #2: I think she just gets pregnant really easily.

–Union Square

About As Much Chance As Any Other Non-White Candidate

Man #1: Yo, I heard Osama may run for President in 2008. That’s crazy, man. If he comes out the cave, they will get him for sure.
Man #2: I think it’s Obama who may run — Senator Obama.
Man #1: Oh. I still think Osama would have a chance.

–E 4th St

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

So the Dog Show Went Well, Then?

Female student: He couldn’t keep his eyes off of me.
Friend: Yeah?
Female student: Yeah, if I had said, ‘Jump,’ he would’ve said, ‘How high?’ That’s how fucking hot I was last night.

–Union Square

Overheard by: billy

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