Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Operate Heavy Farm Equipment

Girl: I’ll drink for charity. I mean, I’m gonna be drinking anyway, so sure.

–Spring & Lafayette

Overheard by: Thomas

Chick in Santa suit, on cell: How’s it going? Santa’s sobering up.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Hobo to pigeon walking toward his booze: Get away from that, you alcoholic bitch!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Shanaca

Girl to friend: I’m not drunk, I just like the way it feels on my skin!

–2nd St & Ave B

Chick on cell: … So you were like, ‘I should become an alcoholic.’

–Mulberry & Spring

Grad student, slowly: I followed you down the bedrunkenation path.

–International Affairs building, Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl: My friend wants to get a wheelchair and put a keg on it. He wants to call it ‘handi-tapped.’

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Mariah

Posted on March 12, 2008
Animals & Nature, Columbia (& Barnard), Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Holidays, Insults, On Cell, Soho, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

He Works at the TBS Department of Humor Analysis

Guy #1: I wish I was back in Baltimore.
Guy #2: Pshhh… Maryland has crabs. Hahaha.
Old man passerby: Please! That’s the same joke everyone tells about Maryland. Get some creativity!

–Union Square

Posted on March 11, 2008
Default, Gripes, Guys, Strangers, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

Why the Country Voted for Him Twice

Bimbette #1: Like, I’m not okay with not believing him. Like, does that make sense?
Bimbette #2: Totally.

–East Village

Posted on March 11, 2008
Bimbettes, Default, Lies, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village

And Do You Feel Like Spending More Time Hustling Today?

Little boy, excitedly: Can we go to Chelsea Piers again?!
Mom: No. That would require having money.

–11th & Ave B

Posted on March 6, 2008
Comebacks, Default, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, NYC Geography, Questions, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Should Be the City’s Official Animal

Bronx-born bartender: Theses mouses is gangstas up in here!

–Bar, Gramercy Park

Overheard by: Johnny Progrums

Hispanic kid in group: Gah! Not only do they have rats, but they have immigrants!

–34th St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Black queer on cell, flailing arms as rat crosses his path: Oh my god, a giant rat just went by! It was as large as a purse!

–93rd & Broadway

Woman on phone: … So they said, ‘If you found a rat, then you got a free taco…’

–92nd & Lex

Overheard by: Lost my craving for Mexican for dinner

NYU chick: Is that like a rat that masturbates?!

–Carlyle residence hall, Union Square

Overheard by: j

Posted on March 5, 2008
Animals & Nature, Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Default, Ethnic Food, Gripes, Kids, Latinos, Masturbation, On Cell, Queer guys, Questions, Students, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Write Off Nipple Tassels on Their Income Taxes

Father to son: Well, I guess she’ll just have to become a stripper…

–Times Square

Overheard by: Lezbitron

Girl on phone: I guess we should go ahead with the strippers and do it.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: MG

Middle-aged woman: I don’t know. I mean, can you put a 20 in the G-string?

–Metro-North, Harlem Line

Frat boy: Hey, man, belly dancers ain’t strippers. I learned that the hard way.

–AMC Theaters, Lincoln Center

Girl to pal: Well, where do you want your ashes spread? A strip club?

–12th & 3rd

Overheard by: Talia

Posted on March 5, 2008
Advice, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Death, Default, Frat Boys, Girls, Grocery Stores, Movie Theaters, On the Subway, Questions, Strippers, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Women, Words

Now She’s Drying Off with Her Wings!

Australian guy, shocked at pixie chick peeing on nearby steps: Does that girl not have her pants on?!
Australian girl, unaware: What? [Both turn to stare.]
Pixie chick’s guy friend: Yes, that’s right! She’s peeing!

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st Ave & Ave A

Overheard by: justin

Posted on March 4, 2008
Default, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Pee, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Whereas I’ve Had to Wait Weeks for My Crochet Supplies

Big thug #1: … And I was like, ‘No fuckin’ way.’
Big thug #2: Yeah, nigga. That shit is like magic.
Big thug #1: I know, nigga. I did it. I went home and I ordered the new Harry Potter from Amazon. That shit came the next day. It was like magic.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: h

Posted on March 2, 2008
Books & Writing, Compliments, Default, Fat People, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

But What Else Do We Know about Ann Coulter?

Girl #1: She’s such a fucking bitch.
Girl #2: She’s such a motherfucking bitch.
Girl #1: Yeah, but she’s hot.
Girl #2: Yeah, she’s really fucking hot.

–7th & Ave A

Posted on February 29, 2008
Compliments, Default, Girls, Gripes, Insults, Physical appearance, Union Square and East Village

Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You, Wednesday One-Liners?

Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin’? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Nicole

70-year-old man to 20-something jogger: Good morning. Would you like to wrestle in the grass over there?

–Riverside Park

Drunken Don Juan: Hey… Miss… Miss… Ah… Is your husband… Is your husband married?

–Prospect Pl & Classon, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sweet tea

Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.

–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Creepy guy to hot blonde, after trying to pick her up: I’m not trying to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Facebook.

–78th & Columbus