Upper East Side

Wednesday One-Liners (the King James Version)

Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then louder.] If the Amish can do it, so can you!

–113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Lady on cell: You tell my momma to get her ass to church and stop sinning!

–Grand Concourse, 205th St.

Overheard by: LSB

Black guy to another: Go to the Catholic church, cracka. They got good drugs.

–11th & A

Middle Eastern man: I believe in Islam and Allah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop doing those things, then I’ll pray.

–C Train

Overheard by: Mark

Thug: I totally invented the Chuck Norris religion.

–Queens Mall

Overheard by: LSB

Walkin’ Talkin’ Wednesday One-liners

Mailman: Hey man, my shift just ended so I can start walking faster now.

–70th between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Anna A

That’s Underemployment to You

Drunk dude #1: You see, the East Village is not so bad, you need to get out of the Upper East Side more often.
Drunk dude #2: Fuck you bro, the East Village smells like feet, unemployment, and Indian food.

–4th & Ave A

Overheard by: Ahmad Zubair Sahar

The Goyim Say ‘Jew-Pimples’

Teenage girl #1: Do you say, “Goose-pimples”?
Teenage girl #2: No…Jewish people say that.

–81st St

Overheard by: JAP

The Unkindest Cunt of All

Girl #1: Jenny said she wants to have kids.
Girl #2: With that vagina? How does she expect to pop them out?
Girl #1: I know, right? She said she’s been to five gynos in the last week.
Girl #2: Lord have mercy on those children — their mama’s vagina is nasty.

–73rd & 2nd

“Do you hail the horse or the driver?”

Tourist woman #1: Where is 5th Avenue?
Tourist woman #2: Oh, we won’t get there until we actually get a cab to New York.

–94th & Lexington

Overheard by: Joe Frankie

Presenting 2007’s Least-Reassuring Reassurance

Hobo: Yo, can I get a cigarette? [Girl hands him one.] Can I get a light? Don’t worry, I’m not going to mug you — it’s too cold for that shit.

–90th & 1st

Son Of a Wednesday One-Liner Man

Evangelist outside gym: You want to be a macho man? Look at Jesus!

–Broadway & Prince

Street evangelist on microphone: Y'all ever see two female pigeons in bed together?

–Fordham Plaza

Very agitated priest: Jesus was a zygote once–what if Mary aborted him?

–St. Luke's Church, Whitestone

Crazy subway evangelist: If god could make me a good crackhead, you best believe he could make me a good preacher.

–E Train

Overheard by: Giggling at crack

Preacher: And that's why your religion is null and void.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Alfie

The College Reunion Was a Mistake, Huh?

Student: How was your break?
Math teacher: Screw you!

–Hunter College High School

Overheard by: citysnidget

Hillary Knows How To Host a Re-election Party

Girl #1: Remember at that party when that stripper picked up a dollar bill with her pussy lips?
Girl #2: Ohhh, yeah — that wasn’t a stripper. That was a full-on whore.

–77th & 1st

Overheard by: mjg

Headline by: clink

Runners-Up:
· “… and It Wasn’t a Dollar Bill. That Was a Full-on Penis” – Caro
· “America DOES Have Talent” – Staci Lynn
· “Because I Saw That Thing Give Change” – nicky c.
· “But We Call Her Aunt Gladys” – Mark Paul
· “I Was Just Shocked She Did It through Her Jeans.” – SAtCW
· “Kind Of Like the Difference Between Maury Povich and Springer” – alana landa

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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