Vagina

Don’t Bogart the Wednesday One-Liners!

Flyer guy to tourist: Take it, take it, it’s free! But my weed is not. I’ll be right here until five.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Engi

Yuppie guy: Hey, you wanna buy a bong and get pierced?

–MacDougal & Bleecker

Overheard by: Betty Noir

Guy listening to iPod: Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed!

–183rd & Audubon Ave

Overheard by: BB

Black guy to another: All those niggas do is smoke weed and call ACS on each other!

–A train, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Dude every time she sees me she’s like, ‘O-M-G, you’re high.’ And I usually am, but like, I like to think I hide it well. But she always knows. And even so, I’m like, ‘Em, why do you have to comment on it every single time? At the dorms, at parties, even at Target one time!’ Hahaha… But anyway, we might come Thursday. I’ll see if my funds are in order to make the trip. What kind of shit would we have to wear? Beach stuff? Oooh, and I could rock my stunna shades.

–6 train

Guy outside MTV studios: Stay calm. Everything is going to be okay. There will be marijuana giveaways.

–1515 Broadway

Overheard by: Rebecca

That's Where Sand Sculptures Come from

Trendy Dominican teen girl #1: Like, I just don't understand people who have this like, fetish about the beach. Like they looove the beach so much. I like, don't even like to go there. It's like weird, and you…
Trendy Dominican teen girl #2, finishing her sentence: …get lots of sand in your twat, yo!

–1 Train

NewsFlash: Men and Women Not As Different As Previously Assumed.

Black dude #1, eating ice cream: My priorities in life is my family… Ummm… Food… And, ummm… Pussy.
Black dude #2: Yeah, I love pussy!
Black dude #1: I know, man. Me, too. I’m addicted to it.
Black dude #2: I wish it tasted more like Häagen-Dazs.
Black dude #1: Word!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Stavros L

Maybe You Shouldn't Have Sex 'til You Can Answer This Question

Bi-curious guy to gaggle of girls: He wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror and says, “I hope I don't have herpes.”
Girl #1: Has he gotten tested?
Bi-curious guy: No, he's too afraid.
Girl #2: I would be too if I'd been around that much dirty snatch.
Girl #1: Wouldn't you be able to tell if you had herpes?

–Sheepshead Bay

Oh Wait– That's John Goodman.

Cute girlfriend: Seriously? You take me to a sports bar for brunch? I'm the only chick in here!
Boyfriend, pointing to a girl sitting at the bar: Look, there is another vagina in here.
Cute girlfriend: Yeah, she's ugly: she has to like sports.
Boyfriend: Well…I guess that's kinda true.

–Mr Biggs Bar, Hell's Kitchen

Wednesday One-Liners Are Shameless Pecker Checkers

Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Pasty

Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.

–Roc Restaurant

Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!

–St. Andrews Bar

Overheard by: allimax

Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!

–Near Manhattan Mall

Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.

–Hanover & Water

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.

–4 Train

Overheard by: jessie

Let Me Expand on ‘Plans’

Chick #1: So, do you have any plans for Saturday?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think I’m gonna go get my vag waxed.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Presenting the Wednesday One-Liners Lollipop

Girl: He’s like, "Why so cold?" and I’m like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."

–43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?

–W 4th Street

Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom

20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever… Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me…I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn’t feel clean until I got home and took a shower.

–Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Lauren Weiss

Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.

–Astor Place Subway Station

Overheard by: Shane and Sammy

Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don’t lick me. I’m just trying to do my job."

–Uptown E Train

Overheard by: wondering where she works

Howie: I Was Young, I Needed the Money!

40-ish white collar: Did you ever see that video on the internet where a woman blows a horse and she gags when he cums?
30-ish blonde companion: Ewww, no.
40-ish white collar: How about that video where this bald guy who looks like Howie Mandel inserts his entire head into this woman’s giant vagina?
30-ish blonde companion: No, I would have remembered that one.
40-ish white collar: Don’t you keep up with culture?

–Waiting in line to see Martin Short in Fame Becomes Me

Overheard by: Big Larry

The New Dole Product That's Not for Everyone

Elder brother to younger brother: I love pussy juice.
Younger brother: True dat.
Elder brother: No, seriously, if I could I'd shoot that shit up.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ziggy

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