Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are Working in the Olfactory

Loud girl, about some smelly hipsters: Damn, them muthafuckas is stank. The power of Christ compel that shit.

–M96 bus

Overheard by: Tommy

Guy near street vendor: Dude, that smell. It always smells like mouse or something.

–51st & Broadway

Overheard by: Atlanta girl

Thug teen, to friend who has just farted: Damn, nigga! Yo’ shit smells like hot dog water!

–L train

Overheard by: lauren cawdrey

Shrewd observer: She just looks like she would smell bad.

–Astoria Blvd, Queens

Ghetto woman on cell: Girl, I knew she would smell like fish the second I saw her!

–23rd & 1st

Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?

Metro-North conductor: If you have been on your cell phone more than 5 minutes, you are not only annoying all of the passengers around you, but have also probably started to annoy the person on the other end of the call, so hang up.

–Metro-North, Marble Hill

Guy on cell: I’m only calling because I have to walk ten blocks, and I can’t stand to be alone with my own thoughts.

–60th & Lex

Overheard by: tabubob

Queer: I could never respect someone with that ring tone!

–Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Are in the Kinsey Report

Stranger, to young business woman: Can I spank you?

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Gay co-worker, to female employee: Put your hands on the desk and assume the position.

–Office, midtown

Overheard by: Ariella Pink

Girl: If I have to, I’ll pull down my pants and spank myself.

–Cilantro, 89th & 2nd

Overheard by: Jules

Woman on cell: I mean, he’s my kid, and everyone is curious, and if he’s going to experiment let him. But I told this guy, “You cannot be the experiment with my son!”…I know, he thinks he’s going to grow up to be a rapist!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Queer: Then we went underneath the staircase and fooled around. And then he grabbed my head, pulled it down, and licked my bald spot!

–El Cocotero, 18th St between 7th and 8th

Tween girl: Aww, no, he did not just pee on me!

–54th & 11th

Overheard by: office peon

Man on cell: Natalie? Nat, if you’re there, pick up! Oh my God, I just hooked up with a guy whose house smelled like cat pee, and he wanted me to spit in his face! Where the fuck are you?

–52nd & 2nd

Queer: What? I’m not the one who had sex with the chicken cutlet.

–83rd & Madison

Twink on cell: We met on the train…No, he’s a bottom…I don’t think I can have this conversation here right now. You’re making me feel awkward.

–Rite Aid, 22nd & 9th

British girl on cell: Hmm, there’s no answer. She must be whipping now.

–47th & 9th

Overheard by: Anthony

Pregnant girl: I like it when he hits me. You know, I hit him just so he could hit me back. I like it rough.

–Downtown A train

Chick on cell: She just told me a story about someone waking up with a dildo in her mouth. You need to meet this girl!

–125th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF

Customer to waitress: And then you have bestiality with a man and a sheep, and the sheep is the clear victim…

–Santa Fe Steakhouse, 70th Road, Forest Hills

Overheard by: Dining out

Brunette: What would make you think that I would like getting hit in the face with your cock?

–St. John’s & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Cowboy

Wednesday One-Liners Need GPS Badly

Older man, screaming at Middle Eastern booth operator: You playa hata! You uptight and ignorant! This is bullshit! Go back to Leban!

–59th St subway station

Overheard by: Marissa

Frat boy: You need to go south of the Mason Dickinson line. That’s where you find the really hot girls.

–14th & 2nd

Thug: I don’t understand the Middle East shit. How can you be in the east and still be in the middle?!

–F train

Overheard by: Braincurve

Lady: I heard it was going to be a big thunderstorm out on Long Island. You know, just the Hamptons, Montauk and Connecticut.

–NYSC, Cobble Hill

Southern woman: Yeah, come meet us! We’re on Long Island!

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Caty

Mexican girl: Most European countries make you join the army at 18. Colombia, Peru…

–28th & Park

Overhead by: Lindsay

Teen tourist: If I was in America, I would send this back.

–Thai restaurant, 34th St & 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Jamie M

Bus driver: I gotta get out of this country. It’s too damn hot. I’m going to Alaska.

–M4 bus

Overheard by: Gwenn

Wednesday One-Liners Hang the Cross Upside Down

Girl: It smells like blasphemy!

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: I only smelled mulch

Tattooed chick: It’s Christa. You remember, Christ with an A, because I’m so fucking godlike.

–8th & A

Overheard by: Meredith

Guy: She looks like the female version of Dave, which is a bit disconcerting to me…He looks like traditional representations of Jesus.

–Manhattan bound L train

Overheard by: Philip

Guy: Me and Jesus don’t get along.

–W 30th, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Maggie

Femme on cell: So, like, our periods stopped at the same time for two hours so we could have sex and I was like, God loves me. Jesus was clearly gay.

–103rd & Broadway

Middle-Aged lady: Yeah, you can’t go switchin’ churches like that. That’s too many different spirits. You’ll be dealin’ with demons and stuff.

–F train

Overheard by: Yanni

College guy: No, really, dude. The guy’s a full-time, licensed exorcist!

–W 4th St A/C/E uptown platform

Overheard by: EJ

Muscular dude: I am devoted to crack but not to Christ! Please explain that to me. I’m a good crackhead, but I ain’t a good Christian!

–Downtown 1 train

Street vendor: NYU students, you gotta love them. They be going through hell and jumping out of windows and shit.

–Spring & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Are Black and White and Read All Over

White girl on cell: Wait, you’re watching BET? Well, do you feel black and/or entertained?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Casey

Black guy: So you see, white bitches just don’t understand that I have a big ass penis.

–St. Mark’s

Teenage black girl: See those buildings over there? That’s where I stay. Yeah, it’s nice and shit. I like it. Too many white people moved in, though. That’s why I’m KKK…Krazy Kracker Killa!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: aq

Black guy to white girl: You’d better not stay in the rain too long; sugar melts!

–117th & 5th

Overheard by: robin b

JAP: It’s not like I don’t like his parties, I just don’t fit in. Hello! I’m white!

–8th St & 5th Ave

Black guy: Well I have black friends, but they just don’t understand. You know what I’m sayin’? Certain races, dog.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Ghetto girl: What was these two white bitches doing in Harlem at 2:30 in the morning? You know how white they was? They so white they names was Ashley and Haley. That’s how white they was!

–Uptown 5 train

Midwestern tourist points to a black guy and says, to his tween daughter: You see that guy over there? You see how he’s a different color than you? You see that sometimes in big cities.

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: Gwen

Black girl to black friend: Yo, man, you’re acting like a black person.

–N train, Ditmars Blvd, Queens

Juicer: Oh, shit! We got customers in the store! We gotta stop acting so black!

–Jamba Juice, University Place

Frustrated woman, who has been trying in vain to hail a cab: What am I, black?

–21st & 6th

Black girl to black friend: We never gonna get a cab unless we start hangin’ with some white folks.

–Orchard & Houston

Overheard by: white folk

Teenage girl: But Bob Dylan is Jewish. That’s kind of black.

–Upper West Side

Black girl: Why we gotta be black all the time? Why can’t we be white for two minutes?

–Wendy’s, W 34th St

JAP: I hate being white!

–66th & Broadway

White teen girl: Now I know what it feels like to be a minority.

–Chinatown

White woman to black woman: I feel like I understand the black struggle because I feel I was black in a past life.

–Penn Station

Thug on cell: Black people like catfish also, nigga!

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mappy and Chocolate

Ghetto girl at crosswalk: Ooh, lil’ white man tells me to walk, so I’m walkin’!

–Times Square

Overheard by: bully

Wednesday One-Liners Are Thicker Than Water

Girl: Every time I fart, more blood comes out.

–SoHo

Guy on cell: The blood bank’s coming and they want me to give blood…Naw, I’m like, “I’ll give blood for Yankee tickets.” I’ve done enough for good causes. You know, I gotta hold on to that shit. That’s my blood, man.

–48th & 3rd

Jerseyite: Wait, mosquitoes suck blood?

–Prince & Lafayette

Girl, to guy singing loudly: Shut up, before I take my bloody pad off and smear it on your face! Times seven!

–Village Community School, W 10th St

Overheard by: Keesha Brown

Wednesday One-Liners Set the Bar Low and Then Step Over It

Friend: First you suspect he’s a date rapist, and now you’re worried he isn’t going to call?

–Union Square

Trendy woman: I need to be touched by a man in a loving way…It doesn’t even have to be loving.

—Pirates of the Caribbean 2 advance screening, the Ziegfield

Overheard by: Nick Draven

20-something girl on cell: I just wanna kiss someone!

–M15 bus

Girl: I’m going to make out with someone tonight. I’ve already decided.

–4th St, between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Ted

Well-dressed guy: You just hate that you can’t get a one-eyed, homeless black guy to think you’re hot.

–B train

Overheard by: Sugarnuts

Wednesday One-Liners Hang Around Home Depot

Hobo: Make New York safe for women! Lesbian jail! Put those vicious, ass-grabbing lesbians behind bars.

–E/V subway platform, 53rd & 5th

Overheard by: colin

Girl: I think I could totally be a lesbian…except for the whole, like, lack of penises thing.

–Three of Cups bar, 5th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: beepster

Guy: If I ever went to a drag bar, I’d never want to draw attention to myself. But two 400-pound lesbians?! I mean, come on.

–Office, 57th St

Guy: So tell me what those lesbian meetings are really about!

–St Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: mariana

Amateur sociologist: I think a lesbian counts for two gay people because they’re rare.

–Rivington & Ludlow

Wednesday One-Liners Are Legends in Their Own Minds

Girl: I think Elvis died on my birthday…No, wait, Elvis died on Madonna’s birthday. Why do I always get that confused?

–36th St

Geeky guy: Dudes, we are staying at the Bellagio. That gives us instant credibility.

–Jet Blue Terminal, JFK

Overheard by: Dungy

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