All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-liners Should See a Doctor

Chick on phone: Do you love your gynecologist? Because I don’t. I’m not, like, thrilled. I need stability right now. It’s like bing-bing-bing, you’re done. Now tell me about your period and breastfeeding.

–Brooklyn Army Terminal

Woman: Oh no, she loves having surgery…

–Fresh Bites, 56th & 6th

Man on cell: It was like a little dagger, stabbing my eyeball…

–Madison Avenue office

Overheard by: Jonathan Harford

Woman: …so my gynecologist said, “Why would you want to go to her? She’s out of network!”

–Opia, E. 57th Street

Wednesday One-liners Are Grossly Mismarketed

Old Black guy: The thing about Girls Gone Wild is that most of them are strippers. Girls don’t really go wild.

–D train

Overheard by: pixelvisions

Woman: One day they have Angelina sleeping with Tom Cruise, now they say she’s with Brad.

–Food Emporium, Broadway & 68th

Hipster chick: You know, they have all these sodas with added lime flavor, but why don’t they ever do Sprite with lime?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Melissa

Huge guy: So he comes up to me and gives me the $600 that he owes me. I took one look at the bills and thought this was the worst counterfeit job I’ve ever seen so I beat the shit out of him…Did you know they have a new $100 bill?

–35th & 8th

Overheard by: Paul Ferris

Woman: Sometimes I see underwear I don’t even understand.

–Victoria’s Secret, 82nd & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee

Pre-school teacher lady: If they didn’t build the subway, we wouldn’t have Home Depot or Lowe’s.

–NY Transit Museum

Overheard by: Trix

Announcing Wednesday One-liners

Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to fucking get home. Please keep moving and do not just fucking stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement.

–43rd & 7th

Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands!

–N train

Overheard by: Gregorio

The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.

–A train

Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily.

–M86 bus

Overheard by: Diane

Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It’s that simple.

–S train

Conductor: That was a very dangerous thing that you just did with the cane.

–F train

Is It Going to Work Out with Wednesday One-liners?

Woman on cell: Yeah, he told me the next day that he cried himself to sleep. I got so mad. I was like, “I don’t wanna hear that shit!”

–Target, Atlantic Avenue

Overheard by: alex

Chick: Is it really cheating if it only happened once?

–26th & Lexington

Guy on cell: Look, I’m driving so I can’t talk right now, ok? Good-bye…Fucking bitch, never leaves me alone.

–Burger King, Union Turnpike

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Girl: So are we breakin’ up or what? It’s getting late!

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: Mike

The End of Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Hey, lady, you need to slow the fuck down…your dog needs to take a fuckin’ dump…just look at his swollen-ass asshole!

–Times Square

Indian woman on cell: You are a terrible, terrible man. You are a horrible shit of piece.

–60th between Lexington & 3rd

Overheard by: Navyboy

Guy: If she was a dinosaur, she’d be an assaraptus.

–Astoria

Overheard by: shane matthews

Lady on cell: OK, so you know Alisha? She’s Poop’s best friend…yeah, Poop.

–77th & Lexington

Overheard by: marissa

Wife: I’m just saying say, “excuse me.” I ain’t asking you to hold it in or nothing; it’s a natural part of life. I mean, if you need to let it out, let it out. I’m just saying say, “excuse me.” Have some damn manners. We fart, we all fart, but just say, “excuse me.”

–Central Park

Overheard by: Alex Liebman

Guy: I will say this: butts are weird, and fickle. You can put that in your dissertation.

–111th between Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: djlindee

Wednesday One-liners for the Kiddies

Guy: So, I went on this audition, and they asked me, “Can you juggle and ride a unicycle?”. I mean, I can juggle, and I can ride a unicycle, but I can’t do both at once, I’m not a skills clown. Basically, my skill is falling. I can fall really well.

–A train

Overheard by: Berit J.

Girl: Mommy, what’s the opposite of hair?

–86th & Broadway

Overheard by: Stuart Weisberg

Mom: Don’t you know this is the liberry, not the cry-berry?

–The Fordham Library Center

Tween girl: …and the one Winnie the Pooh had a nice body…

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Jason B. Schmidt

Guy: …if my wife and I spit at the kids, nothing happens…but if a llama does they burst into tears.

–53rd & 6th

Overheard by: J-Mo

British guy: Can’t be more worse than having a baby every six months.

–116th & Lexington

Boy: Mommy, how many hours are in a mile?

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: BBW

Wednesday One-liners Aren’t the Answer

Girl on cell: Hey, that’s not fair! If you get to be Mr. Incredible, why am I Jewgirl?

–Washington Square Park

Guy on cell: Does anyone in Romania have ice cream?

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Greg Ashley

Woman: Why is it every time a guy beats his dick over the phone it sounds like a helicopter taking off?

–20th & 6th

Overheard by: phyllis pisacano

Girl: what do you call this style of architecture? Ugly road-houses?

–Mott Haven

Overheard by: yev

Guy: Isn’t England a state of the US, like Colorado?

–Alt.Coffee, Avenue A

Overheard by: dewo

Guy flipping through cell: Damn, why the fuck have I only got White people on here?

–27th & 7th pizzeria

Overheard by: dbrock

Fashion girl: How do you start a zoo? Do you buy the animals first or the place to put them?

–Conde Nast Building, Times Square

Overheard by: Jax

Crazy guy: Are your French Fries made with beef?

–McDonald’s, 85th & 3rd

Overheard by: Marc Cassata

Guy: Is it technically depression if you’re depressed because you can’t date a Gap model?

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

Those Low Rent Wednesday One-liners…

Tween girl: …when her water broke, she rode her bike to the hospital. How ghetto is that?

–B44 bus

Lady: They better give me my money back or I’m gonna get 7 on my side!

–K-mart, Staten Island

Overheard by: tony

Store guy on cell: Nah, man I can’t go out tonight! I’m broke! I just paid for an abortion.

–Pathmark, Cherry Street

Overheard by: Jubie D.

Suit: I need to go uptown, where they know the difference between a hot dog and a frankfurter.

–The Water Club, E. 23rd Street

Overheard by: Dave

Wednesday One-liners Don’t Know Where They Are

Guy: There’s got to be a hardware store somewhere around here.

–Home Depot, 23rd Street

Funeral home guy: Drop dead!…motherfucker…

–Raccuglia Funeral Home, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Buffoon

Mother: This is the Sistine Chapel.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral

Guy on cell: Hey, we’re at the Museum of Natural History right now.

–The Met

Overheard by: Pri

Drinking and Training: Point/Counterpoint

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen! We are temporarily being held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. We would like to wish you a happy 4th of July. As you all know, the 4th is a day for celebrating and drinking. Please remember: do not drink and drive! Don’t get me wrong, you can drink as much as you want but then you have to take public transportation!

–A train

Overheard by: Miss Babette

A relatively full car holds an empty bench. As passengers embark at each station, they head toward the empty bench. They recoil when they discover the pool of puke on the floor in front of the bench.

An Indian man embarks at Bedford Avenue, sits down in front of the puke, and puts both of his feet right in it.

Hipster: No, No!

The Indian slides his feet around in the brown vomit and looks down in horror. He gets up and looks like he will puke himself.

Hipster: Oh no, man, it’s best not to think about it!

The Indian disembarks at the next stop and changes cars.

–L train

Overheard by: Hairy Toe

There is a drunk guy passed out on the floor, laying face up in his vomit. 3 Black chicks get on the train. One looks at him and says: That nigga is so done for.

–6 train

Overheard by: Natalie

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