Wednesday One-Liners for the Polyglots

Frustrated bouncer: You don’t speak Spanish, you don’t speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?

–Broome Street, Chinatown

Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.

–109th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cassandra

Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

30-something woman to her female friend: I didn’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.

–E 34th St

Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!

–New School

Posted on April 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bouncers, Chinatown, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Default, Fears, Foreigners, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Global Geography, Guys, Happiness, Insults, Language Barrier, Languages, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, New School, Questions, Street, Stupidity, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words

Excuse Me, That’s “Stuh-ray-et”

Tourist #1: This is us.
Tourist #2: You sure?
Tourist #1: Yup, Cay-null Street.

–N train, Canal St station

Overheard by: sara n.

Posted on March 31, 2008
Chinatown, Default, Languages, Names, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tourism, Tourists, Words

My Answer Has Not Changed

Middle-aged white lady: Excuse me, where is Shanghai?
Asian girl: You in the wrong country.
Middle-aged white lady: No! I mean Shanghai Restaurant.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: confused

Posted on March 16, 2008
Asians, Chinatown, Default, Directions, Girls, Global Geography, Questions, Women

That’s Why I Had to Cap Helen Keller

Girl #1, about bonsai plant: So, you’re not going to get it?
Girl #2: No… I’ll probably kill it… I’m not good with things that don’t talk.

–Chinatown

Posted on March 15, 2008
Animals & Nature, Chinatown, Default, Girls, Gripes

I See We Have Much to Discuss

Guy on date: So, are you really a Mormon?
Girl on date: Yeah.
Guy on date: Does that mean you don’t have sex?
Girl on date: Well, not vaginally.

–Mulberry & Grand

Posted on February 16, 2008
Chinatown, Christianity, Dating, Default, Girls, Guys, Questions, Sex, Vagina

Sir, You’re Bleeding

Woman in large fur coat: What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously! All you do is fucking bitch!
Man in leather coat: Oh, go to hell, Addy.
Woman: You fucking asshole. Do you need a fucking tampon? You want a tampon?! [Searches through purse, finds tampon, and flings it at him.] Here you fucking go!
Man catches passerby staring: What the fuck are you looking at?!

–Chinatown

Overheard by: LizBeth

Posted on February 3, 2008
Assholes, Biotechs, Chinatown, Gripes, Insults, Men, Menstruation, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Learn On

Teen to another: Yo, if I pass in June, I’ll only be in high school five years! [Pounds fists with pal.]

–F train

Chick: I used to be a straight-A student until I realized I was just learning how to get A’s.

–Diner, Chelsea

Frat boy: There are still wedgies in Quaker school.

–19th & 5th

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Lunching chick: I mean, I only feel sort of responsible for their illiteracy. I am their teacher…

–Dishes Restaurant, 45th St

Overheard by: Literate

Teen: No lie, my nigga — I wrote a perfect essay! I wrote a perfect essay, nigga!

–Marte Valle Prep School, Stanton & Norfolk

Teacher giving tour: Back then it was very difficult to graduate from high school, and it still is, judging from the amount of people who drop out. Although a tree stump could graduate from Saint Ann’s… Okay, no one put that in the school newspaper quotes… Please…

–Chinatown

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chinatown, Compliments, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Frat Boys, Girls, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, School, School and studying, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Time, Violence

Your Reality Is Bereft of Wonder, Harold

Bag lady: Heyyy! Look at the size of that turtle! It’s huuuge!
Hobo: That ain’t no turtle — that’s a trashcan!

–Bowery & Rivington

Posted on January 15, 2008
Animals & Nature, Bag ladies, Chinatown, Garbage, Hobos

If I Can See Your Toenails, You Are Too Close for Your Own Good

Inmates in NYPD corrections bus: Give me a kiss, baby! Come on, I need it! Hey, nice toenails, sweetheart!
Girl passerby, to friend: Well, I did just paint them last night.

–Chinatown

Posted on December 25, 2007
Bimbettes, Chinatown, Compliments, Creepsters, Pick-up Lines