Comebacks

Scrawny tourist boy to two passing New York girls: Hey ladies! I'm single!
New York girl: And that's why.

–Times Square

Club dude: May I ask you why you’re licking your handstamp?
Drunk teen guy: I wasn’t. They stamped me twice, and I had something in my tongue.

–The Knitting Factory, Leonard Street

Kid: I speak seven different languages.
Mom: The only language you speak is Stupid.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Susspect

Headline by: Matt Higgins

Runners-Up:

· “And your Mandarin is conversational at best” – Greg Costello

· “Barbara Bush reaches her tipping point.” – Sabrina

· “But I got the Vile Cunt accent from you , mom.” – Chuck Roast

· “Kill his confidence so you don’t have to pay for Harvard” – Kristin

· “Obviously, it’s his “Mother Tongue”” – Big Larry

· “The wit of your reply has left me aghast and inarticulate, mother” – Grinning Idiot


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Frat boy #1: I’m so glad we have this place!
Frat boy #2: I love cheese!

–Department of Cheese, Westside Market, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: D-Law

Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I’m getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don’t think I can do that on pastels.

–JCPenney bridal registry

Woman #1, bumping against woman #2 in stairs: Relax!
Woman #2: You relax!
Woman #1: No, you relax!
Woman #2: You relax!
Woman #1: You have a fat ass!
Woman #2: You need to accept Jesus into your heart!
Woman #1: You have a fat ass!
Woman #2: Accept Christ into your life!

–Yankee Stadium

NYU guy #1: But wait, doesn’t Fidel Castro own the Dallas Mavericks?
NYU guy #2: No, no, you’re thinking of Mark Cuban.
NYU guy #1: Oh. What a coincidence.
NYU guy #2: Um, not really.

–Waverly Pl

Sidewalk solicitor, eagerly carrying clipboard: Would you please help the…
Pitch target: No spam! (walks away briskly, not looking back)

–7th Ave

Thug in truck to guy kissing his girlfriend: Oh, get a room dude!
Guy kissing his girlfriend: Get a girl!

–82nd St

Vaguely-homeless woman: You faggot!
Vaguely-homeless man: That's “mister faggot” to you!

–Discarded Couch, 2nd Ave & Houston