Girl: So we were all really drunk one night and someone said we should all drink our blood.
Guy: Oh yeah?
Girl: So we cut ourselves and dripped blood into this cup and passed it around. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen…we were really drunk.
Guy: That’s really not good. That’s really bad.
Girl: …But we were really drunk.
–Loews Lincoln Square, West 68th Street
Overheard by: jesse kay
Girl: I am glad you don’t think she’s prettier than me.
Guy: What? She is like, trailer trash.
Girl: No, she’s really pretty.
Guy: What are you talking about? She is some lady they found in the parking lot by the garbage. They were like, “Hey lady, we will give you $20 to do this.”
Girl: …she is like, the American standard of beauty.
Guy: She is a dumpster-diving prostitute!
–Access Digital Theatres, Prospect Park
Overheard by: matt stohrer
Guy: Can I just say, maybe Zorro shouldn’t be the first American movie you see.
–83rd & Broadway
Little boy: Why didn’t Harry Potter just take a shotgun and blow that guy’s head off?
–Loews Kips Bay Theatre, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Mark Schilsky
Girl #1: Shh! I can’t hear what he’s saying!
Girl #2: Bitch, you read the book already!
–DGA Theater, West 57th Street
Black chick #1: Girl, he so fine.
Black chick #2: Mmm…
Queer: Yes, we all know he’s fine, but shut the fuck up!
–AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street
Overheard by: Scott Hoffman
Girl: So for the last half-hour of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants I couldn’t stop crying. Then everybody in the theater turned around and laughed at me.
–Waverly & Mercer
Overheard by: Stu
Guy #1: You still fixing vans for that production house?
Guy #2: Yeah, I even got in a movie. Check me out in Prime; it’s with Uma Thurman. I’m in it for like 20 seconds playing basketball on the street with a red do-rag. I was like 30 pounds heavier then; I just got out of jail.
–DMV, Greenwich Street
Overheard by: Anthony Bloodsucker
Black woman: All these assholes going to the movies…Lowest common denominator!
–Loews Lincoln Square ladies’ room, West 68th Street
Overheard by: Amanda K
Girl: I heard there’s an Asian girl in the new Harry Potter.
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: So they are branching out.
Guy: Yeah…but she is kinda big.
–Beard Papa’s, Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: sim choo
Girl: I am dating two different guys with kids and no one will take me to see Harry Potter. Now that‘s fucked up.
–Eatery, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Mike
Suit: I think you would really like As Good As It Gets.
Woman: Is that the one with Jennifer Aniston?
Suit: No, it’s Helen Keller.
–75th & 3rd
Overheard by: Aaron Hotfelder
Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it’s, like, really strong.
–Washington Square Park
Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!
–2 train
Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.
–18th & 5th
Overheard by: basselope
Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That’s not that bad…
–Stop and Shop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dan
Old lady: That’s the brownstone where Matthew lives with Sarah Jessica Parker. She didn’t grow up in the West Village, you know.
Old man: All that money they make, you think they’d never settle for a house that’s only 18 feet wide.
Old lady: Only skinny people can live there.
–7th & Charles
Girl #1: So did you guys fuck all night?
Girl #2: Yeah, till I had to stop to smoke a cigarette because I needed to throw up…I felt so fat just laying there while he rabbit-humped me.
–The Met
Overheard by: Aubrey DiScalo
Chick #1: You know I wanna lose some weight, especially in my hips.
Chick #2: I felt like that a while ago. I was dating this guy and when him and I broke up I wanted to be slimmer when I saw him again. Girl, I took some weight loss pills and lost about 20 pounds. When I saw him again he said I looked sick. I had fucked around and lost my ass. I still haven’t gotten it back yet.
–80th & 3rd
Overheard by: Divine Essence
Girl #1: I have a question.
Girl #2: What is it?
Girl #1: Skipping makes you lose weight right?
Girl #2: Yeah….
Girl #1: Does that mean skipping backward makes you gain weight?
Girl #2: God, you’re a dumbass.
–Flushing
Fat woman #1: Why do people keep asking me [about the long line]? Do I have one of those approachable faces?
Fat woman #1: The guy thing is, she has no problem attracting. And anyone willing to put out will never get love. Doesn’t matter if you’re a size 2 or a size 20.
Fat woman #1: I am a soup lover!
Fat woman #1: Look at the makeup on this lady with the green hat coming up! She takes the crosstown bus sometimes. Spectacular. Spectacular. Can you imagine if Joe saw that? He’d come over and ask her out.
Fat woman #2: That’s everyday?
Fat woman #1: That’s not special, not Halloween. I love it when she wears her army fatigues. She wears the jacket, the pants…
Fat woman #2: What are you in the mood for? Something chicken noodley or something exotic?
Fat woman #1: I might get two!
Fat woman #1: So Yen Ling. I asked her, “What do you want to be called? Yen or Yen Ling?” She says, “Yen Ling”, I say, “Fine.” So I’m going around introducing her and she’s saying “Yen”, “Yen”, “Yen.” It’s just like, if you want to be called Yen Ling, why are you saying “Yen”?
Fat woman #2: What’s her last name?
Fat woman #1: Yu.
Fat woman #2: Yu?
Fat woman #1: It’s one of those.
Fat woman #2: Sounds like a comedy routine. “Who?” “Yu!”
Fat woman #1: “Who, you?”
Note: The Nazi was sold out of crab bisque, and all of the meaty soups except for mulligatawny.
–42nd & 5th
Black woman: I’ll mess you up! I’ll be waiting for you downstairs, you man-on-man faggot! White trash!
White queer: You don’t scare me! I’ve dealt with the feds, I can
deal with you!
–Welfare office, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Sheep Overhearder
Black woman: Take that bag off your back.
White man: All it takes are two words: “excuse” and “me”.
Black woman: I’m not saying nothing to you.
White man: Sorry, I see that you only use your mouth for one thing, and that’s sucking dick.
Black woman: You are so rude. Take that back.
White man: Okay, I am sorry. I take it back. You also use your mouth for eating, as seen by the size of your enormous ass.
–4/5 train
