Senior surgeon: Did you do anything fun this weekend?
Junior surgeon: I took the family to Chinatown.
Senior surgeon: Oh, great! Did you eat while you were there?
Junior surgeon: Yeah, we went to McDonald’s.
Senior surgeon: You are no longer in charge of your weekends.
–68th & 1st
Doctor: Order an MRI, CT scan, and a full blood work-up.
Session assistant: Okay… What’s the primary diagnosis?
Doctor: I don’t know, cancer?
–Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center
Chick: …And then when the naked girl got in the balloon I was so scared I thought I would die!
–1 train
Overheard by: Michael Schiano
Dude: It’s like, as soon as you step into a room and take off your pants, all hell breaks loose!
–Allen & Stanton
Overheard by: Griffin
Dude: I swear, like, everyone on this block has seen me naked.
–Outside Rubin Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Josh
Little girl: Look! The nakeds! They’re naked!
–Greek sculpture wing, the Met
Chick on cell: I mean, if I’m going to send my friends footage of me doing topless jumping jacks, I want it to be remembered.
–Harlem
Suit on cell: You wanna know why we’re not friends anymore? Remember the last time you came to my house? I came out of the bathroom and there you were, stretched out on my sofa, naked, playing with your dick. What the fuck was that all about?
–City Hall Park
Overheard by: Big Larry
Doctor to patient: Sir, I am going to prescribe you two things — some burn cream for, well, you know, and some advice: try not to cook without your pants on.
–Beth Israel Hospital Emergency Room
Nurse #1: I know, I still can’t believe she signed that name on the birth certificate.
Doctor: What name?
Nurse #2: When Dr. Smith* delivered the afterbirth, this mom said, ‘Oh my god, what is that?’ and Dr. Smith said, ‘That’s the placenta.’
Nurse #1: Yeah, and then the freakin’ idiot says, ‘That’s the most beautiful name I ever heard! I’m gonna name my baby Placenta.’
Doctor: No, don’t tell me–
Nurse #2: Yep.
Doctor: I’m sorry I asked.
–Hospital cafeteria
Overheard by: 2nd time gramma
Female doctor: How’s your baby?
Male doctor: Oh, you know — small.
–Beth Israel Medical Center
Overheard by: Blackbuttoneyes
Doctor: What do you mean you vomited? When did you find the time to vomit? I don’t care if you’re in California, get on a plane back here! What do you mean, you vomited? How could you?!
–Lenox Hill Hospital
Overheard by: mademoisellezoo
Mother, to little boy: No, you cannot smell my armpit!
–Keyspan Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jesse
Doctor on cell: Look, having knees doesn’t make you special.
–Oustide New York Presbyterian Hospital
Ghetto chick: When she’s asleep, I’m gonna squat on her brain.
–16th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: alyssa
Father of little girl who has just hit her head: Did your brain fall out?
–Chili’s, Staten Island
Overheard by: Ada and Andi
Chick: His teeth are really straight. But that’s because he was home-schooled.
–Baskin Robbins, 23rd & 8th
Guy: Every time a girl sees my teeth, she’s like, “Naaah.” I’m gonna get this whole shit redone, where they take them all out and replace the whole thing. It costs like $20,000…Only thing is you have to go two months without any teeth.
–29th St & 33rd Ave, Astoria
Middle-aged man, to college girl in skirt: Excuse me, miss, you have very nice legs. Have you ever thought about doing voice-overs?
–31st & 6th
Overheard by: plo
Teenage boy: Who wants to play guess which body part am I fidgeting?
–North Gannon & Bradley, Staten Island
Overheard by: Shamrocknroll
Doctor: Well, I can’t guarantee that after the circumcision it will look exactly like what you described.
–New York Presbyterian Hospital
Guy: I need to see a doctor. I’m not dying, but I have a leaking, stinking navel.
–Doctor’s office, 67th & Amsterdam
Guy #1: So when I started telling him my feelings on the Iraq war, he rolled over to me in his wheelchair and started cursing me out. He was going on about his time in Vietnam and how there are things about war I’ll never understand.
Guy #2: That sucks.
Guy #1: I was like, “Whoa. You’re my shrink! I’m paying you to listen to me!”
Guy #2: Seriously.
Guy #1: Well, at least the co-pay was only $15. But anyway, I’m definitely not going back to him.
–Von, Bleecker & Elizabeth
Overheard by: Blondie
Chick: I got drunk and forgot to take out my last tampon; when the doctor fished it out it was all gray and smelled like Alpo.
–6 train
