Doctors

Train conductor: This is New York Penn Station. New York Penn. For those of you who are just waking up, this is Penn Station. If you are supposed to get off at New York Penn, wake up and get off now! (train leaves) Those of you who are just waking up: if you were supposed to get off at New York Penn Station, you just missed it! I told you to get up!

–Amtrak Train

College guy: Last night I woke up on an oriental rug and I had no idea where I was.

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park

Hispanic lady: Quiet down, some people are trying to sleep!

–6 Train

Man to friend: She can sleep in the closet.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Wait what?

Loud pharmaceutical salesman to doctor: They say that New York is the city that never sleeps, right? You know why? You know why? Herpes!

–Doctor's Office, Astoria

Woman on cell: So I walked into a room and she's there, chained to a chair. And he had a gun, pointing it at me, saying he was gonna shoot me. Then I started crying. And he fucking shot her. (people on bus look worried) And then I woke up.

–M4 Bus

Overheard by: trev

Doctor #1: So when are you leaving for England?
Doctor #2: Oh, not till next week.
Doctor #1: Oh my god, then we can totally have a tea party!

–Children's Hospital

Overheard by: i want a tea party

Old dog lady, smoking: Me, I've already been spayed.

–Dog Adoption Booth, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PrairieSquid

Old woman to another: Darling, I didn't know your husband was still alive!

–Restaurant, Upper East Side

Elderly black woman, yelling to line of cars honking their horns for Puerto Rican Day parade: Get yo punk asses back to 5th Ave!

–Grand & Graham

Elderly woman, complaining to physical therapist: I keep walkin' like I'm drunk (pause) Cause I am drunk.

–12th & University

Overheard by: tbs

Old lady, after being knocked down by man on bike: You know what… Go to hell! (giggles to herself) I haven't said that in a looong time.

–Union Square

Overheard by: letthesunshine

Patient: I think my boyfriend and I have contracted either gonorrhea or chlamydia.
Doctor: What makes you say that?
Patient: Well, he's having kind of a pussy discharge from his penis and a burning sensation when he urinates.
Doctor: And what symptoms have you been having?
Patient: Well, I've had a sore throat…

–NYU Medical Center

Overheard by: The nurse who just had to hear this story…

ER doctor to bloody man with legs strapped to gurney: So, what’s going on here?
Patient: I’m a drunk.

–Bellevue Emergency Treatment Room

Overheard by: judith currin

[At 3:00 pm.]Researcher: Oh, I needed to talk to you about the… Oh, wait, good morning! Sorry, good morning first.
Doctor: Morning!? It’s almost noon!
Intern, scared and whispering: Oh my goodness, they’re all crazy.

–NYU Medical Center

Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: tuna on rye

White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.

–Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: pmd

Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!

–N 4th St & Driggs Ave

Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs

Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people…

–Madison Square Garden

Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!

–NYFA, Union Square

Overheard by: kswin

14-year-old girl: How long does Accutane take to work?
Dermatologist: Before you know it, you’ll be so beautiful you’ll be beating off all the guys.

–Dermatologist’s office

Doctor: You really think I look like Rick Springfield?
Hobo: Oh, yeah. Could be his twin.
Doctor, singing: Jesse’s girl… I wanna be… [Hobo joins him singing and pees on the bench.]

–Union Square

Overheard by: tantorigor

Lady: You know that guy you stayed with last summer?
Daughter: Who?
Lady: He called last night. That rug salesman from Turkey.
Daughter: I never stayed with a Turkish rug salesman, Mom.
Lady: He’s coming over at 10 tonight.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: I don’t do his sales.