Drunks

Please Remain on the Line. Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Important to Us.

Usher: I will tell you once again: do not use your cell phone! I know how to wrestle!

–Theatre

Man: What kind of faggot has a 551 number?

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: a friend of mine does

Drunk Long Island girl: I don't know! I guess my phone was on lock or unlock or whatever, but my boobs must have called you!

–W 10th St

Overheard by: max

Blonde NYU ditz, looking at BlackBerry: Wait… what area code is 718? That's like really far away, right?

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Overheard by: i actually laughed at her

Conductor: This is the train to Ronkonkoma, also known as "ko, hip hip hey and away we go." When using cell phones, please, keep it quiet, 'cause no one really wants to know what you're talkin' about.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Goober

Aren't You Supposed to Be Good at Math?

Drunk Asian girl: I was like totally supposed to be born on January 23, but was really born a week later, so like on January 30th. Then, a few years later, my sister was born on January 22. She like stole my birthday!
Gay guy: What a bitch!
Drunk Asian girl: I know! I always thought she was older than me because of that!

–Downtown A Train

…Now C'mon and Do the Truffle Shuffle with Me.

Drunk girl #1: She is a cunt that needs to get fucked up!
Drunk girl #2: She needs to be killed. Oh my god, that was so mean, I'm sorry.
Drunk girl #1: Goonies never say sorry.

–Ave A

Wednesday Drunk-Liners

Tipsy, barefoot woman, lifting skirt in broad daylight: Gotta air out my coochie!

–W 88th St

Belligerent drunk woman: I've never even heard of these fucking stops! (later) Scarsdale! I don't even know how to spell "Scarsdale"! Other than…Scarsdale. (later) What the fuck is Hartsdale? Slap me across the face with a big dick!

–Metro-North Train

Drunk girl to friends sitting on a couch left on the sidewalk: Don't sit on that couch, it's probably covered in bodily urine!

–East Village

Overheard by: Herr Professor Doktor

Drunk wife to drunk husband during poker game: Don't you dare tell me about things that I don't understand!

–Poker Game, Astoria

Overheard by: NYCWATERBABY

Drunk girl: Bedford Avenue does not know how to find the clit!

–L Train

“…she’s at her boyfriend’s!”

Drunk: Come on! Just come upstairs with me!
Mistress: No way! Not this time; go home to your wife.
Drunk: But my wife’s not home!

–Battery Park City

David Blaine is Always Pulling Tricks

Drunk guy #1: I’m fucked up, man.
Drunk guy #2: Not as screwed as me, right?
Sober guy: What do you mean?
Drunk guy #2: I can’t figure out whose freaking hand is down my pants!

–F train

Nothing Like Being Double-Teamed by the Classics

Drunk customer: What kind of drunk return policy do you have?
Cashier: It’s a 14-day return policy.
Drunk customer: That’s not much of a drunk policy. Most guys get drunk and wake up next to women they regret the next day. Me? I wake up next to Dostoievsky and Dickens after a bender. I love New York!

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

Overheard by: Random

And Every Cow Has Its Own Udders, Y’know?

Sad, sober friend: I just really miss her, I guess.
Drunk friend: There’s no color the sky can’t be at any given time. Remember that!

–E 11th & 2nd

Someone Needs to Tell Bruce Willis That’s because He’s Dead

Drunk dude #1: I have a great job.
Drunk dude #2: Yeah, but I get a lot of vacation time.
Drunk dude #1: Oh, yeah? Remember those two days I took off last week? Those were free days because they didn’t even notice I wasn’t there!

–2 train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

So We’re Drinking Out of His Skull

Wasted guy #1: Hey, do you have any shot glasses around here or anything?
Wasted guy #2: Dude, Grandpa died.

–UWS

Overheard by: My grandpa died, too

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