Family Ties

What Is It About a Loser in a Bandana?

20-something dude with lame Bret Michaels bandana: Come on babe, let me walk you home. Actually, fuck it, come over and watch a movie with me, I got some beer.
Unattractive older blonde: Nah, can't, I've got work in the morning, and I'm already wasted.
20-something dude with lame Bret Michaels bandana: Aw, you know I'll get you up as early as you need to get to work on time. You know I will. Plus, I'm pretty drunk, but I'm your cousin, so you don't even have to worry that I'll try to stick my wiener in you!
Unattractive older blonde: Well, alright.

–Grassroots Tavern, East Village

…Like Every Other Child Star.

Hipster #1: So what's he been up to lately?
Hipster #2: I think he's living with his brother-in-law… in a warehouse.
Hipster #1: Oh. Cool.

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Wednesday One-Liners Were Pretty Hot, Back in the Day

20-something man walking into restaurant: I'd never bring my grandmother here for a date!

–27th & Lexington

Teen: That shit was sick! That shit was sick! I wanna go home and slap my grandmother!

–94th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Slapped her how?

Ghetto dude in fight with girlfriend: Your grandmother is a bitch!

–Murray St & Church St

Guy to friend: My grandma used to chase us around with fly swatters…

–Houston & Allen

That Was a Close One. Too Close.

Cashier: I'm worried I'm going to get pregnant when I least expect it. It's just going to sneak up on me. And, bam! I'm knocked up! You pregnant?
Cashier's friend: No, but my sister is.

–Old Navy, SoHo

Although for Some Reason I've Never Seen My Girlfriend and My Mom in the Same Room…

Thugette: Hurry up, motherfucker!
Thug: Hey! I ain't never ever fucked my mother!

–40th & 8th

Headline by: subtleglow

Runners-Up:
· “Don’t Be Vulgar, We Made Love!” – lisha dlp
· “See How He Slipped in That Double Negative? Sly…” – funkstar
· “She Has Standards, After All” – Terry B
· “That Makes One Of Us” – John T

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Then They Make Me Dance on a Pole As Punishment

Tween girl #1: My nickname with my parents is “buns”.
Tween girl #2: Everyone in my family calls me “hottie”. But when I get in trouble, I get called by my full name.

–5th Ave & 57th St

Overheard by: Bemused

The Bible Explicitly Forbids Hot Puppet Sex

Large, jolly lady usher #1, as disturbed-looking Midwestern tourist-family walks by: I always cringe when people bring their children. There should be signs telling them it's inappropriate.
Large, jolly lady usher #2: Remember the woman who kept telling us she was going to pray for us? Girl, that made my day!

–45th St

Overheard by: Ladle

A Lesson the Royal Family Has Yet to Learn

Guy #1: So how are things going with your new girlfriend?
Guy #2: Dude–she's not my girlfriend. We're just fucking. And, like… I don't know. She's been acting really weird.
Guy #1: Weird like what?
Guy #2: I don't know! Whatever, man. I guess she and I were better off as siblings.

–McDonald's, Times Square

Overheard by: …that's what she said?

Bet This Pisses Off Osama More Than You

Lady #1, looking at Time Warner buildings: Oh, look, it's the twin towers!
Lady #2: Well… but like, those aren't the real Twin Towers… cuz, they like… fell.
Lady #1: Well, they're twins too, aren't they?

–Columbus Circle

Headline by: Chuckles

Runners-Up:
· “Oh, Look! The Octo-Towers!” – Octomom
· “Some Porn Movies Shouldn’t Even Try to Have Dialogue” – Twin Peaks
· “They’re Fraternal, Right?” – Chelsie
· “Yeah, the Anorexic Looking One Is the Mary-Kate Tower” – Errrrrn

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

He Also Had Enemies Outside the Family

Young boy: Papa, did you kill grandfather?
Dad: No, I did not kill your grandfather.

–63rd Drive, Rego Park

Overheard by: Beatrice

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