Global Geography

Unlicensed Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.

–3rd St & Ave B

Overheard by: amanda

British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.

–Outside Toys ‘R’ Us

Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don’t let him intimidate you!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: jenmo

Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Scarfish

Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?

–Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th

Man to son: Don’t you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!

–Macy’s

Just Not in Any Recent Incarnation

Clerk: What’s that symbol on your shirt?
Chick: It says ‘Nepal.’
Clerk: What’s Nepal?
Chick: It’s where the Dalai Lama lives.
Clerk: What’s the Dalai Lama? Is that an animal?
Chick: Yeah, it’s like a Yeti.
Clerk: Oh.

–Pelham Pkwy

Overheard by: raginggoatboy

What the Fuck Is a Garden?

NYU bimbette #1: What were the original seven wonders of the world?
NYU bimbette #2: I don’t know — some shit that I’ve never heard of. Hold on, I’ll look it up… The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Where the fuck is that?
NYU bimbette #1: I don’t know… Long Island?

–NYU BOBST Library

Debil!

Blonde: Gosh, these lines are, like, so long.
Brunette: Yep.
Blonde: I’m, like, not from here so, like, I’m not used to this.
Brunette: Uh-huh.
Blonde: I’m actually from, like, Ohio. Where are you from?
Brunette: Albany.
Blonde: Oh my gosh, really?! Say something in Albanian!
Employee passerby: Fucking tourists…

–Banana Republic Women, Soho

Overheard by: MistressSilver

Alex Trebek Doesn’t Suffer Fools Gladly

Blonde: So, where is she from?
Friend: Croatia.
Blonde: Where’s that?
Friend: It’s, like, by Italy.
Blonde: Ohhh, like Czechoslovakia.
Friend: No, Croatia. Near Bosnia and Serbia.
Blonde: Oh, so it’s like Russia.
Thug: Croatia, bitch! Former Yugoslavia! Remember, they had a civil war and broke up into five countries?
Blonde: [Stares blankly.]Thug: Jesus Christ, study a fuckin’ map. Even Tara Reid knows where it is.

–6 train

We Put Up Flyers on Neighborhood Trees but… Nothing.

Foreign lady: So, a couple of years ago my country floated away from Venezuela.
Foreign man: Good for you!

–1 train

In His Magnum Opus, The Great Gatsby

Suit: I was up in Toronto last week. It was nice, but it was really cold.
Guy: Yeah, it’s beautiful up there, but they get winter really early. It’s like that Shakespeare line, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’
Suit: [Befuddled silence.]

–LIRR into Penn Station

Overheard by: It was Dickens, DickWad

Wednesday One-Liners for C. Montgomery Burns

Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever — all he cared about was money.

–Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison

20-something exasperated chick on cell: It’s a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It’s a little something called my rent!

–W 10th & Waverly

Overheard by: I call it that too

Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?

–54th & 10th

Overheard by: Allisa

Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don’t pick up stuff off the street… unless it’s money.

–14th & 2nd

Suit: … And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.

–Chambers & West Side Hwy

Overheard by: Mike McG

Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty — you get what you pay for.

–PATH train, stuck under the Hudson

VP: I certainly don’t want you to think it’s all about money, because it’s not — it’s mostly about money.

–Office, Park Ave South

Like a Girl with a Really Cute Boys’ Haircut

Mom: … But it was hopeless. But I was stuck there, like a little Dutch boy with my finger in a dike for two hours.
Daughter: Huh? Like, a girl?

–Basement of the MoMA

Wednesday One-Liners Are Unincorporated Territory

Woman: Come here, sweetheart! You lousy fucking Puerto Rican scum!

–4th & MacDougal

Construction worker to another: Come here, I’ll buy you some food ’cause you’re my man. What, you want Puerto Rican food? They’ve got Puerto Rican food here.

–Burger King, 46th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Suit: Have you ever been to Croatia? They treated me like a god just for being Puerto Rican.

–M31 bus, between Madison & Lex

Dude: Nawww, don’t go to Puerto Rico. It’s just like New Jersey!

–Outside Caliente Cab Co.

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