Girlfriend: There’s too many roaches in the apartment!
Boyfriend: Look, no matter where you go in New York there’s going to be a lot of roaches.
Girlfriend: Shut up! I’m from the goddamn city! I don’t want roaches crawling on me when I’m pooping!
–Maujer St, Brooklyn
Hipster girl to hipster guy: … And it’s like, he cums on me and it’s like it doesn’t even mean anything!
–L train platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Ht-hrw
Hipster: You know, ‘bedbugs’ is just a classy name for crabs.
–7th & Ave A
Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.
–14th St & Union Square South
Overheard by: Almost Tourist
Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.
–Outside The Slaughtered Lamb
Overheard by: bonzo
Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I’d had an abortion.
–120th & Amsterdam
Hipster: Well, I can’t help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!
–Montrose stop
Overheard by: big baby
Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There’s just something about her that really turns guys on, and it’s not just because she’s blind.
–Columbus Circle
Sexually ambiguous guy: Yeah, Natasha is having a party tonight, but I didn’t want to go because she has bedbugs, and I was afraid that I’d get bedbugs and bring them home. Everyone who’s going has to wear plastic bags.
Female companion: Why is she having a party?
Sexually ambiguous guy: It’s a bedbug party.
–St. Mark’s Pl
Overheard by: minerfa
Pope: So you said 300 percent return?
Bee: Definitely, man — 300 percent!
Pope: So I’ll have my people call your people.
Bee: Yeah, let’s have our people talk.
Pope: My people will totally be in touch with your people, man.
Bee: Okay, dude. Then let’s get high.
–Halloween party, Brooklyn
Guy: What is that on your sandal?
Girl: It is a butterfly! What, you don’t know your animals?
–Barbershop, Queens
Girl: Every time I fart, more blood comes out.
–SoHo
Guy on cell: The blood bank’s coming and they want me to give blood…Naw, I’m like, “I’ll give blood for Yankee tickets.” I’ve done enough for good causes. You know, I gotta hold on to that shit. That’s my blood, man.
–48th & 3rd
Jerseyite: Wait, mosquitoes suck blood?
–Prince & Lafayette
Girl, to guy singing loudly: Shut up, before I take my bloody pad off and smear it on your face! Times seven!
–Village Community School, W 10th St
Overheard by: Keesha Brown
Guy: Dude, look at their Board of Health certificate on the wall there. It’s brown. No, it’s dirty!
Girl: Oh my God, that’s so filthy. What’s that on top there? [walks over] Jesus Christ, it’s a cockroach!
–Chinese restaurant, Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lunch Special
Man: Oh my god, there’s a spider in my salad.
Woman: What? That’s not a spider.
Man: Well, it’s either a spider or four pubic hairs tied together in a knot, neither of which I am willing to consume.
–T.G.I. Friday’s, East 42nd Street
Overheard by: StephGold
Eva Pigford: I’m even wearing a bra and I’m still cold.
–Madison between 28th & 29th
Chick #1: Yeah, and the grasshoppers caused Hurricane Katrina.
Chick #2: Did they really?
Chick #3: Right, of course they did.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: hockeygurl
Girl: Ew, look at that bug by the curb. That’s no regular roach.
Guy: Yeah, that’s not a New York roach, it’s like a Middle Earth roach.
–28th & 7th
Overheard by: Randolph Hernandez
