Conductor: Please do not hold the doors. (pause) Get out of the door, please. (long pause) Get out of the fucking doors, please. (pause) Jesus, don't you people understand English here?
Blonde: Somebody needs to get laid, bad.
–1 Train
Overheard by: pierre
High school girl: On the internet, Nike will let you put your name on some dunks.
High school boy: They gonna let you put “hooker” on their shoe?
High school girl (pissed): I told you that ain't my name!
–W. 72nd Station
Blonde hot guy: I hate Mary Poppins.
Girlfriend: Yeah, me too.
Blonde hot guy: Those people dancing around with broomsticks–they weren't even witches. Yeah, fuck them.
–N Train
Overheard by: Leonidas
(during a game of wiffleball)
Guy #1: Dammit, Scott hit the fucking ball!
Guy #2: Shut up, Dave! Why are you so fucking fat?!
Guy #1: I'm fat? Well, why do you still have an incurable shitting disease?
Guy #2: Because it's incurable…dick!
–Tillary St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dan Fuckin' Murphy
Two high-school girls in a Super Stretch Hummer, screaming out the window with a smart-ass tone: Enjoy the movie!
Bitchy gay man in line to buy a ticket: Yeah, enjoy the fucking environment, bitch!
–Outside Sunshine Theater, E Houston St.
Overheard by: E.J.
Old hipster walking by group of young hipsters, waiting at an apartment door: Oh, look at you all! Didya get all dressed up to come to the city? “Oh look at me, I'm a little hipster, look at me, I'm so pretty! I'm so special and pretty! Look at me! Oh! I'm waiting to get into a hipster party!”
Young hipster #1: Look at you man, you're all by yourself.
Young hipster #2: And you're wearing a fucking cowboy hat.
–1st & 13th
Overheard by: Can't we all just get along?
20-something woman: Why do I have a phone number for "Shrek" in my phone?
–1 Train
Overheard by: Poogins
Older, bald man on phone: Mom! I told you, you don't have to call me everyday. Just call me once a month…to see if I'm alive!
–Times Square
40-something suit on cell: You know what would be fine, mom? If you just stopped calling. That'd be fine! Just fine! Of course I want to hear from you, but just stop calling. It's over. Over. Don't call no more.
–Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Oedipus
Crazy lady on cell (at the top of her lungs): Yo, douchebag! Where are my fucking children? I want to see my children. You owe my $10,000 in child support. And you know what? They're not even your kids! Ha! Oh, and my phone's dead.
–AirTrain
White girl on phone: Well, on the phone he doesn't even sound black. So just introduce him to your parents over the phone…
–28th & Broadway
Overheard by: Vanessa
Lunching lady: She's 718, acts like she's 212…but really, she's so 516!
–4 Train
Overheard by: JC
Conductor: Attention passengers. Have your ticket out so you can be inspected and accepted, or rejected and ejected. Also, there is no smoking or urinating inside, outside, between, under, above, or around the train. Do not stick any appendages out the windows, or you will lose them.
–Grand Central
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last stop on this train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Also, you'll want to remember to take the little ones, because we charge too much for babysitting.
–J Train
Overheard by: Penny
Small child's voice on subway speaker: Next stop, one two fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee!
–B Train
Overheard by: john
Conductor over loudspeaker: Hey! To the kid who just gave me the finger–grow up!
–F Train
Overheard by: Bernie
Conductor: Know where you need to go–East Side or West Side, cause we ain't going where you think. Those of you who know what I mean, tell the person next to you who hasn't a clue. Help me out here, people–help me out.
–2 Train
Overheard by: know what you mean
Conductor: This is a Downtown Express c train. Express express express express express express. Express. Don't say I didn't warn you, people.
–C Train
Conductor: For those of you getting off at Seaford Station, the front two cars will not platform at Seaford. I suggest you take the time now to move back to the cars that will make the platform at Seaford…or you can do what everyone does anyway and wait until the last minute and panic.
–LIRR
Overheard by: The WC
Male kickballer: You know, I always like waking up with two testicles!
–Queensboro Oval, 59th & York
Overheard by: Me too
Bag lady outside of a shelter to another: Men think all they got to do is show us their dick and balls and we gonna be mesmerized.
–30th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Beef Cheeks
Gay guy: Yeah, I stopped watching that game after he started dressing up like a woman and kicking photographers in the balls.
–Park Ave & 20th St
Overheard by: fey
High school girl wrapping arms around other girl's shoulders: Suck my balls.
–60th b/w Broadway & Columbus
Overheard by: Krisztina
Hip girl #1: You're just jealous because the water does what I tell it to.
Hip girl #2: Yeah, but that's only because you're huge and paddle-shaped.
Hip girl #1: Hehehehehehe…
Hip girl #2: Stop, your dirty laughter is getting all over my new jacket.
–Arlene's Grocery, Stanton St
Overheard by: sophie and gabby
