Insults

For Bonus Points, Answer the Question with Two Dicks in Your Mouth

Female lawyer: Did you see that video where that girl from South Carolina was asked why Americans can't read maps?
Male lawyer: Yeah, she was a teenage beauty contestant. I tell you, I've heard drunk girls with two dicks in their mouth make more sense than that bitch.
Female lawyer: Don't call her a bitch. She was probably just nervous.
Male lawyer: Excuse me, she's a beauty contestant. The only difference between a beauty contestant and an inflatable doll is where you blow into them.
Female lawyer: Excuse me, but I was in a few beauty contests when I was a teenager.
Male lawyer: Really? So tell me, why can't Americans read maps?

–Supreme Court, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry

Betrayal Is My Anti-Drug

(Outside American Apparel)
Dude sitting on bench: How you gonna have me as one of your top 8 friends on MySpace and not hook me up with drugs?
Dude leaving store: Fuck you, nigga.

–Orchard & Houston

Overheard by: pink panties

Don't You Care About the Third Anniversary of Our Second Date?

Girl: Guess what this weekend is?
Guy: Someone's birthday? Every week it's something's fucking birthday.

–42nd St b/w 7th & 8th

Overheard by: yoni

Since When Is Not Understanding Yogiisms the Threshold for Stupidity?

Photographer #1: I keep trying to get reservations at [famous restaurant], but they only have ones for 10:00 pm.
Photographer #2: Yeah, nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.
Photographer #1: Yeah, totally.
Photographer #2: No, it's a joke. It's Yogi Berra. “Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.”
Photographer #1: I don't get it.
Photographer #2: You're an idiot.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Actually laughing out loud

Being Judgmental Does That to a Woman

JAP to friend: Why is it that I only get hit on by the creepy, ugly guys?
Hobo: Um, have you looked in the mirror lately? Maybe it's 'cuz you ugly!

–Outside The Met

Tension Fills the Air at Disney on Ice

Drunken idiot (in last row of Madison Square Garden): You don't understand, I have connections. One phone call and I'm right back in here…
Security guard: I don't care if you wanna call President Bush. You can use my cell phone. If the people in front of you complain again, you're history. Enjoy the show, try not to drink too much.
Drunken idiot to girl who complained: Snitches get stitches!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lalaith

By Any Chance Was Steve Guttenberg at Your Police Academy?

(day after steam pipe break)
Cop without respiratory mask to cop wearing respiratory mask: Hey…take that off. If you're going to catch anything, you already caught it.
Cop with mask (as he takes it off): Yeah, from your mom!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: cat

There's So Much That We Share That It's Time We're Aware, It's a Small Wednesday One-Liner After All

Drunk guy to foreign friend: So basically everyone in the US is either Irish, Italian, or German…but there are a lot of Puerto Ricans in my neighborhood.

–L Train

Overheard by: bildita

Rockabilly-styled hipster on cell: Just take your cheap Jewish ass back to Korea Town!

–St. Mark's Place

Tourist: There are so many Chinese in this city and they all speak fucking Spanish! It blows my mind!

–125th & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Girl on cell: So I may be a Siamese twin…

–57th & 10th

Overheard by: evil em

Woman exiting a Subway restaurant: I feel like I just ate a Mexican immigrant.

–56th & 10th Ave

Overheard by: A Mexican

Wednesday One-Liners in a Garden State of Mind

Cute queer to hot Asian friend: I would rather have you drive drunk and stay at a friend's place in Manhattan then take a cab back to Jersey.

–Manhattan

Professor: For Muslims, the afterlife is more real to them than it is to me or you. For them, dying is like…going to New Jersey. Beautiful New Jersey.

–Stern Building, NYU

Overheard by: Emily

Trashy girl (knocking on door of a convenience store that just closed): Yo, let me in! I just want to buy a Heineken before I go back to New Jersey!

–W 108th & Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: MR

Construction worker to people exiting PATH station: You're from Jersey! You should be happy!

–Vesey St & Church St

20-something on cell: I'm at Penn station and there are so many guidos and guidettes on their way back to Jersey. Watching them is like watching babies stuck in a McDonald's ball pit.

–Penn Station

NJ Transit worker: You'd be surprised how many honest people there are in New Jersey.

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Jersey Girl

Conductor: This is a Jersey bound Q train. Oh shiiiiit.

–Brooklyn Bound Q Train

Overheard by: office peon

Wednesday One-Liners Believe You Have Their Red Swingline Stapler

Black suit on cell : What'cha mean you can't get a job? Tupac's been dead for years and the nigga's still putting out albums!

–Center St & Pearl St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Friendly suit to friend: It's not about getting the work done! It's about…well, I don't know what it's about.

–Vessey & Broadway

Overheard by: mondo man

Suit in next office: Okay, I have officially hated today! (phone rings) No! Fuck you!

–Office Building, W 46th St

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Guy on cell: So, did you find me a job yet? (pause) Well, I want something that isn't challenging, pays well, and doesn't care when I show up.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Cori

Guy on cell (about to start bank teller shift): Come on and hurry up. I'm trying to get drunk before I start my second job.

–Chase Bank, Times Square

Young woman yelling into cell after being refused entrance: Goddamn, whose dick I got to suck to get my career started? Tell me where they at!

–Lobby, Herald Square Towers

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