Almost Nobody Ever Understands English

Conductor: Please do not hold the doors. (pause) Get out of the door, please. (long pause) Get out of the fucking doors, please. (pause) Jesus, don't you people understand English here?
Blonde: Somebody needs to get laid, bad.

–1 Train

Overheard by: pierre

Posted on September 18, 2008
Default, Girls, Insults, Language Barrier, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Sex, Stupidity, Subway conductors

Okay, “Divine Joy.” But Close Enough

High school girl: On the internet, Nike will let you put your name on some dunks.
High school boy: They gonna let you put “hooker” on their shoe?
High school girl (pissed): I told you that ain't my name!

–W. 72nd Station

Posted on September 14, 2008
Boys, Default, Girls, Insults, Internet, Nicknames & name calling, Questions, Shoes, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Apparently, Someone Has

Blonde hot guy: I hate Mary Poppins.
Girlfriend: Yeah, me too.
Blonde hot guy: Those people dancing around with broomsticks–they weren't even witches. Yeah, fuck them.

–N Train

Overheard by: Leonidas

Posted on September 14, 2008
Boyfriends, Default, Disney, Girlfriends, Insults, Magic, Movies, On the Subway

Why They're Not Allowed to Play Real Baseball Anymore

(during a game of wiffleball)
Guy #1: Dammit, Scott hit the fucking ball!
Guy #2: Shut up, Dave! Why are you so fucking fat?!
Guy #1: I'm fat? Well, why do you still have an incurable shitting disease?
Guy #2: Because it's incurable…dick!

–Tillary St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dan Fuckin' Murphy

Posted on September 13, 2008
Brooklyn, Default, Diet/Weight, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Poop, Questions, Weirdness

And I'm Sleeping With Your Dad!

Two high-school girls in a Super Stretch Hummer, screaming out the window with a smart-ass tone: Enjoy the movie!
Bitchy gay man in line to buy a ticket: Yeah, enjoy the fucking environment, bitch!

–Outside Sunshine Theater, E Houston St.

Overheard by: E.J.

Posted on September 11, 2008
Default, Girls, Insults, Lower East Side, Movie Theaters, Movies, Queer guys, Teens, Weirdness

Roger's Often Baffled by the Unexpected Appearance Of Headgear

Old hipster walking by group of young hipsters, waiting at an apartment door: Oh, look at you all! Didya get all dressed up to come to the city? “Oh look at me, I'm a little hipster, look at me, I'm so pretty! I'm so special and pretty! Look at me! Oh! I'm waiting to get into a hipster party!”
Young hipster #1: Look at you man, you're all by yourself.
Young hipster #2: And you're wearing a fucking cowboy hat.

–1st & 13th

Overheard by: Can't we all just get along?

Posted on September 11, 2008
Comebacks, Default, Fashion, Hipsters, Insults, Old People, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Phone Home

20-something woman: Why do I have a phone number for "Shrek" in my phone?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Poogins

Older, bald man on phone: Mom! I told you, you don't have to call me everyday. Just call me once a month…to see if I'm alive!

–Times Square

40-something suit on cell: You know what would be fine, mom? If you just stopped calling. That'd be fine! Just fine! Of course I want to hear from you, but just stop calling. It's over. Over. Don't call no more.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oedipus

Crazy lady on cell (at the top of her lungs): Yo, douchebag! Where are my fucking children? I want to see my children. You owe my $10,000 in child support. And you know what? They're not even your kids! Ha! Oh, and my phone's dead.

–AirTrain

White girl on phone: Well, on the phone he doesn't even sound black. So just introduce him to your parents over the phone…

–28th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vanessa

Lunching lady: She's 718, acts like she's 212…but really, she's so 516!

–4 Train

Overheard by: JC

Posted on September 10, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Death, Girls, Insults, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Park Slope, Questions, Race, Relationships, Suits, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor: Attention passengers. Have your ticket out so you can be inspected and accepted, or rejected and ejected. Also, there is no smoking or urinating inside, outside, between, under, above, or around the train. Do not stick any appendages out the windows, or you will lose them.

–Grand Central

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last stop on this train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Also, you'll want to remember to take the little ones, because we charge too much for babysitting.

–J Train

Overheard by: Penny

Small child's voice on subway speaker: Next stop, one two fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee!

–B Train

Overheard by: john

Conductor over loudspeaker: Hey! To the kid who just gave me the finger–grow up!

–F Train

Overheard by: Bernie

Conductor: Know where you need to go–East Side or West Side, cause we ain't going where you think. Those of you who know what I mean, tell the person next to you who hasn't a clue. Help me out here, people–help me out.

–2 Train

Overheard by: know what you mean

Conductor: This is a Downtown Express c train. Express express express express express express. Express. Don't say I didn't warn you, people.

–C Train

Conductor: For those of you getting off at Seaford Station, the front two cars will not platform at Seaford. I suggest you take the time now to move back to the cars that will make the platform at Seaford…or you can do what everyone does anyway and wait until the last minute and panic.

–LIRR

Overheard by: The WC