Insults

Wednesday One-Liners: Fact or Fiction?

Guy: It's like August: Osage County, but with zombies.

–Manhattan Theatre Source

Overheard by: Emily B.

Girl: You know what they say: two in the bush, one in the wizard.

–Dorm, Pratt Institute

College student: Ghosts? They're like VT!

–186th St & Amsterdam

Black female suit on cell: Yeah, well you betta hope Tinkabell comes along… Or whoever the fuck it is who grants you ya damn wishes!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: emily d.

Annoyed man on cell walking down stairs: No, mom, I don't know what werewolves eat! No, mom, I don't! Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm going into the subway!

–Union Square Subway Entrance

Overheard by: Masked Avenger

I Only Wish the Power of Christ Could Compel Hipsters

Hipster girl #1 as priest boards train: Oh my god, it’s a priest…!
Hipster girl #2: Shit, we have to be good! We’ll go to hell! Shit! I just said, ‘Shit’! I am going to hell!
Hipster girl #1: He’s staring at us now!

–Metro North train, 125th St, Harlem

Looks Like Martha’s House Arrest is Over

Suit: Excuse me. You know, if you wouldn’t stand in the doors, we could all get on and get off a lot faster.
Woman: Shut the fuck up, bitch.

–A train, Jay Street station

Overheard by: David Wood

Unless That's You, Lord

Suit, after losing a sleeve button on escalator: Oh, motherfucker!
Pre-recorded service announcement: Have a nice day!
Suit: Yeah, fuck you too.

–E Train

Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…

–Nathan's, West 32nd St

Overheard by: SuzeV

Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st

Overheard by: Lillian

Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broadway

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.

–jet blue terminal, jfk

Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.

–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

NY v. NJ Explained in One Scene

NJ driver: Hey! Red means Don’t Walk!
Girl: It’s blinking!
NJ driver: That’s the same thing!
Girl: No it’s not, dumbass!

–74th & Broadway

So Put That in Your Pipe and Smoke It

Annoyed commuter: Shut up, you jobless crackhead piece of shit!
Crackhead: Fuck you, man, I got a job! I sell crack.

–A Train

Also Why I Stopped Giving Up My Seat to Old People on the Bus

(teenagers are packing into a crowded subway car where a tiny, ancient-looking bag lady is panhandling)
Woman trying to be helpful: Hey, hey, slow down, careful–there's an old lady you people are gonna knock down!
Bag lady, shouting irately: I'm not old, motherfucker!

–S Train

Overheard by: P. nut

“Heterosexuality” – New to the PSP

Guy #1: Oh my god, dude!
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I just lost the game.
Guy #2: Faggot!

–Hudson & Leroy

Overheard by: Jason Smith

Headline by: David S

Runners-Up:
· “After Every Game in the Detroit Lions Locker Room” – PeterG
· “It’s All in the Wrist.” – Coyoty
· “Thanks Overheard, Now We’ve All Lost! Http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game)” – Jen
· “This Is the Last Time Bob Played Homo / No Homo” – BabakganoosH
· “Well, the Game WAS “Only Hit on the Girls”…” – Punzie

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On

Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this!

–W 50th

Cabbie on cell: Hello? I’m going to beat you up… ‘Cause I want to!

–23rd & Lex

Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street?

–Delancey & Chrystie

Overheard by: Les Chinatown

Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then — I am at the airport…I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn’t bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today.

–99th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Laughing in the back

Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies.

–30th & 5th

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