Wednesday One-Liners Swore They’d Never Become Like Their Parents

Dad to young daughter: If you want to hit daddy, you’ll have to take a number.

–Outside Court St. Bagels, Court & Bergen, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Exhausted dad to loud, hyperactive, young son: Yes, everyone knows you’re here. Terminal six food court line.

–JFK

Overheard by: Jen

Mother, to seven-year-old son as she enters a liquor store: Jesus, what’s wrong with you? This is why nobody likes you -you’re annoying!

–Outside Liquor Store, W 57th St

Overheard by: PetRunner

Father quizzically looking at waddling toddler: How can you be anti-park? I mean, you’re a kid! You can run around!

–Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy

Sassy inner-city mom to dawdling daughter: Get ovah here or I’m going to have to take out my imaginary belt.

–Tompkins Square Park

Mother, to five-year-old daughter picking up cookies: Is that what you eat at daddy’s house?

–The Food Emporium, 88th St

Overheard by: charlotte

Mother speaking sternly to her infant in the baby carriage: Capiche???

–53rd & 9th

Overheard by: AH Hell’s Kitchen

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Dads, Food, Grocery Stores, Insults, JFK Airport, Kids, Leisure, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Parks, Public Transportation, Punch, Questions, Store, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires, Words

She Once Mistook Me for a Toaster

Mother: Oh, guess what, honey? Debbie’s having a baby!
Six-year-old daughter: She’s going to be a horrible mother.

–The Met

Posted on April 21, 2008
Babies, Default, Girls, Moms, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, The Met

You Know Those Girls Who Just Make Shit Up About People?

Young girl playing with blocks at a doctor’s waiting room: And my teacher is mad gay. Mad gay.
Mother: Why do you say that?
Young girl: He just is. And like, whatever. I don’t care about gay people, but like I don’t want a gay teacher. And what’s even worse: He’s a virgin.
Mother: Lot’s of people are virgins, sweetie.
Young girl: Whatever, that’s just pathetic.

–Coney Island Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on April 20, 2008
Brooklyn, Default, Education, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Insults, Kids, Moms, Street, Virginity

We Didn’t Have to Show Our Passports or Anything?

Daughter, looking at “NJ Transit” sign: Why does it say we’re in New Jersey?!
Mother: Aren’t we?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jay

Posted on April 18, 2008
Default, Girls, Moms, NYC Geography, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, U.S. Geography

…And Sell It on eBay!

Mother to six-year-old girl: Tomorrow we’re going to the doctor’s office, then to the dentist…
Six-year-old, whispering: Mmommy, I don’t want to go. [louder] They take my my blood. My blood!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Garrett

Posted on April 17, 2008
Blood & bleeding, Default, Fears, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Threats

Besides, If You Go Far Enough Left, You’re Right.

Little girl, adorably: So, this hand is right and this one is left?
Mom: No, it’s the other way around.
Little girl: But you said before! You said this was the right and this was the left!
Mom: Well, if I’m facing you –
Little girl, exasperated : Mother, I really don’t want to talk to you about this anymore.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Marissa

Posted on April 13, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Questions, Trains Not Subway, Wishes & desires

Most Women Are Incapable of Neutral Communication

Hot soccer mom: Yesterday his mother actually asked me if I own a can opener! Do you believe that? What a bitch. She lives to put me down.
Friend: Wait… So you do own a can opener?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: that girl

Posted on April 11, 2008
Anger Management, Friends, Insults, Moms, Penn Station, Questions

Only with a “Ph”, Mommy

Little girl: Mommy, when were you skinny? High school? College?
Average-build mother: Yeah, both. Why? Do you think I’m fat?
Little girl: Ummm…

–2 Train

Posted on April 10, 2008
Default, Diet/Weight, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Questions

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Drive the Bus Below 50 MPH

Tourist: This is New York. Nothing happens fast here.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Get out of my way – I’m in a hurry

Empowered shopper: I have a cart. I can go as slow as I want.

–Chelsea Whole Foods

Overheard by: and she did

Girl to friend, after introducing her boyfriend: It’s not that he’s slow. He just hesitates before answering because he’s thinking of movie quotes and stuff.

–515 Bar, 34th Street & 3rd Ave

Mom of fast-walking baby: YO YO! Slow your roll.

–Grand St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering

Woman, while swiping metrocard: Gotta do it fast, just like a handjob.

–79th St Subway Station

Loud beeatch: Dammit, why you movin’ so slow? Don’t you know what city you’re in? Shit!

–42nd St & Madison

Overheard by: Jen

Conductor on PA: Attention, passengers. We have red signals ahead of us. Still working out the kinks. The good news is, once we get past Bergen, we’ll be back up to our normal speed. [pauses] which still isn’t too fast.

–F train

Overheard by: He ain’t kiddin’

Posted on April 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Biotechs, Brooklyn, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, Hand-Jobs, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Shopping, Subway conductors, Times Square, Tourists, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Women

But Technically, Everything’s Free for Me.

Mom: So, when you send me a text message, is that free?
Twentysomething daughter: No.
Mom: Then stop texting me all the time!
Daughter: Oh, well it’s free for me. It’s just not free for you.

–D Train

Overheard by: NCS

Posted on April 8, 2008
Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions

Moms