Bootylicious Wednesday One-Liners

Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them?

–6th Ave & 12th

Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train!

–N Train

Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat.

Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass!

–86th & Park Ave

Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you–your ass is broken"?

–1st & 23

Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass.

–Bus to Penn Station

Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know!

–72nd & Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Shannon

Posted on June 4, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Cleanliness, Dads, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Friends, Marriage, Metrosexuals, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Questions, Sports, Street, Teens, The Village, Thugs, Tweens, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert

Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a library …I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it…I don't know.

–Gramercy Park

Overheard by: POLA

Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Amy

Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!

–Madison Ave & 40th St

Overheard by: Casey

Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass.

–University St b/w 8th & Waverly

Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married?

–46th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do

20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one.

–27th St & Park Ave

Posted on June 1, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Asians, Ass, Bryant Park, Dreams, Family Ties, Insults, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Sex, Street, Suits, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

None Of the Classic Rockers Were Ever Troublemakers

Teen daughter: Amy Winehouse just won all the Grammys.
Father: That’s not right. They shouldn’t be doing shit like giving people in jail awards.

–26th & 9th

Posted on May 29, 2015
About Celebrities, Dads, Girls, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Prison, Teens

Crossbreeding Humans and Bees: A Cautionary Tale

Woman #1: Ooh, the Macy’s Flower Show is out. We should go see it.
Crazy guy: Psst! Psst! Flowers? I like flowers! Where are they, where can we go see them?
Woman #2: The Macy’s Flower Show is going on right here.
Woman #1: I actually don’t think the Flower Show has started yet.
Crazy guy: Flowers? I like flowers!
Woman #2: It hasn’t started yet but it will be at Macy’s.
Crazy guy: I’ll go in this entrance to see the flowers.
Woman #2: But I don’t think it started yet.
Crazy guy: What entrance are you going in to see the flowers? I like flowers.
Woman 2: I don’t think the Flower Show has started yet.
Crazy guy: Oh. Well I’m gonna go see them cause I like flowers.

–33rd & Broadway

Posted on May 26, 2015
Animals & Nature, Celebrations/Parties, Crazies, Friends, Murray Hill and Gramercy

Wednesday One-Liners Are Shameless Pecker Checkers

Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Pasty

Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.

–Roc Restaurant

Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!

–St. Andrews Bar

Overheard by: allimax

Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!

–Near Manhattan Mall

Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.

–Hanover & Water

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.

–4 Train

Overheard by: jessie

Posted on May 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Bars & Clubs, BJs, Dating, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stall Spies, Subway conductors, Suits, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women

Let Me Expand on ‘Plans’

Chick #1: So, do you have any plans for Saturday?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think I’m gonna go get my vag waxed.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Posted on May 25, 2015
Bimbettes, Girls, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Questions, Vagina, Waxing

Great, Now Stop Flinging Poo

Girl: Shut the fuck up, Josh!
Boy: You told me to be a fuckin’ quiet monkey, and I’m being a fuckin’ quiet monkey, and you tell me to shut the fuck up? I am a fucking quiet monkey!

–16th & 1st

Overheard by: Caroline

Posted on May 23, 2015
Gripes, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy

It Was a Social Suicide

Posh woman #1: Oh, do you remember our friend’s brother? The one who committed suicide?
Posh woman #2: Yeah…
Posh woman #1: Well, turns out he didn’t kill himself — he had a sex change.

–17th & 3rd

Posted on May 22, 2015
Death, Fashionistas, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Plastic Surgery, Suicide

If R. Kelly Wrote Nursery Rhymes

Girl #1: I'm gonna pee on you.
Girl #2: I peed on someone before.
Girl #3: Golden showers bring May flowers.

–34th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Robert Wood

Posted on May 21, 2015
Girls, Kink, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Pee

My Sister's Roommate's Cousin Knows Wednesday One-Liner's Agent

Young thug in crooked baseball hat to female friend: No, everyone should have the right to love Tom Cruise.

–41st & Lexington

40-something Midwest tourist to 40-something friends: Yeah, this is where Miley Cyrus was staying. (points to Sheraton hotel, friends gasp in excitement)

–53rd & 7th

Tourist son to mom: Let's go to the park and watch Jerry Seinfeld play softball.

–67th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Q

Random guy outside on corner: Yo, I just saw Phil Donahue. I just saw him walking down the street… (starts to sing in Cops theme song style) Whatchu gonna do when Phil Donahue comes for you? (pause) Yo, Phil Donahue is a crazy motherfucker!

–Astoria Boulevard, Queens

Girl on cell: Yeah, but I tower over him when I wear heels…and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to be Katie Holmes to his Tom Cruise.

–33rd & Broadway

Woman: Everywhere I go, I see either someone I know or a celebrity!

–69th & Columbus

Little boy to mother: Oooh…I thought Malcolm X was a singer.

–Flatbush & Beekman

Overheard by: Chelsea

Posted on May 20, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Boys, Brooklyn, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Kids, Love, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Relationships, Shoes, Sports, Thugs, Tourists, TV, Women

Murray Hill and Gramercy