Music

Wednesday One-Liners Got Rejected by Idol

Young chick to pal: Carly Simon? Wasn’t she the one who sang ‘You’re So Vague’?

–Nail salon

Overheard by: Jersey Jude

JAP: I write pirate songs… in French.

–Broome & Broadway

Mom: Everyone in the world sings in Spanish. I mean, you know that song Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? I heard it in Spanish the other day. It goes like… ‘Chitty chitty bang bang, chitty chitty bang bang…’ They didn’t even translate the words into Spanish.

–Bloomie Nails, 20th & 8th

Classical pianist to another: Dude, I am mad stoked for studio class today!

–Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here due to congestion up ahead… I bet this is when you miss elevator music.

–D train

Overheard by: mb

Safest Thing, Really

Barbershop music segues from the Godfather theme to an old-time jazz tune.

Old Italian barber #1: That’s nice music.
Old Italian barber #2: Yeah, we only play dead guys in here.

–Park Slope Barber Shop

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Liv Tyler: Tell Me about It

Doctor #1, about Norah Jones: Did you know her father is Ravi Shankar?
Doctor #2: Her mother must be extremely good-looking.

–Doctors’ lounge, St. Vincent’s Hospital

Overheard by: Danny D

Headline by: s h

Runners-Up:

· “And we know why she didn’t come.” – Offbalance

· “Nip, Tuck, or Genetic Luck?” – Iconny

· “Or Maybe It’s Just that When You Multiply a Negative by a Negative, You End Up With a Positive” – Vasyl

· “Sex and the Sitar” – nicky c

· “The Good, the Bad, and the Ravi” – Riley


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Not with That Shampoo in Your Travel Bags, You Can’t

Small group of tourist kids singing loudly: I believe I can fly… I believe I can touch the sky…
Mom: That’s what you think!

–74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Anytime I See a White Boy with a Banjo, I Melt

Ghetto girl #1: I love guys that can saaang!
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah, me too. They be marinatin’ you. That shit’s mad sexy.
Ghetto girl #1: Marinate? The fuck?! You mean ‘serenate.’ You’s a stupid-ass bitch!

–G train, Clinton-Washington station

Overheard by: all up in your grill

She Bangs the Drummer Slowly

Woman: I said, ‘You know — percussion,’ and she said, ‘What’s that? Like, horns?’
Man: Wow. And she’s the assistant for Stewart Copeland?

–Elevator, Union Square

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

The L-Wednesday-One-Liner

Woman to friend: Hey, you know, this is where that lesbian touched my ass!

–W 3rd Ave & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Sakura

Chick on cell: We’re, like, the best pseudo-lesbian couple who send out erotic postcards in the world. And you can quote me on that, missy!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Man wearing rainbow wig and playing a ukulele: This next song is dedicated to all the fathers out there who play with their children and take them places. To the fathers who don’t — the lesbians have a point.

–In line for Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: Stas

Nine-year-old boy: I am a lesbian, I am a lesbian…

–Central Park

Girl showing necklace to friend: You’re a raging dyke! Would you wear this?

–Canal & Church St

Overheard by: NYCDoll

Is It Your Birthday?

Hobo: Go shorty, it’s your birthday…
Drunk black woman, joining in: Yeah! Go, go!
Hobo: Shorty, it’s your shorty…
Drunk black woman: You singing it wrong. It’s, ‘We gonna party like it’s your birthday.’

Passerby gives hobo two dollars.

Drunk black woman: You need to give me half of that, I helped you out with the words.

–E train

Overheard by: Ruth

Wednesday One-Liners Are Excellent Drivers, Excellent Drivers

Man to woman and her friend pushing a stroller: Listen, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I’m sure we can make a deal.

–60th & Central Park South

Firefighter after getting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can drive down the wrong way?

–Pathmark under Manhattan Bridge

Overheard by: tj

Midwestern woman in preppy clothes sticking head out passenger window of sedan: Excuse me, we’re trying to merge…

–Waiting to enter Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Angela

Homeless musician with Casio keyboard plays entire intro to ‘Oye Como Va,’ then sings: Oye como va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abruptly stops] Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s what you get for not having a car.

–L train to Williamsburg

Overheard by: Subway Goer

In Every Job That Must Be Done There Is an Element of Fun

Guy #1 flipping through showbill: So, what else has Mary Poppins done?
Girl #1: Greg*.
Guy #1: What?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah — you know Greg from work? Apparently he did the chick playing Mary Poppins back when they were both living in LA. He lost his virginity to her, in fact.
Girl #2: Wait, wait — you know a dude who cashed in his V card with Mary Poppins? Oh my god, that is just all sorts of awesome!

–Intermission of Mary Poppins

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