Jessica Was Only Halfway Through Her Etiquette Guide

Very fat man in suit: Excuse me, miss, could you move your bag so I could sit in that seat?
Thin girl: With all due respect, sir, even if I did move this bag, there's no way your fat ass will fit here.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: thinks he should try Weight Watchers

Headline by: JohnAustin

Runners-Up:
· “”Let Me Rephrase. Excuse Me, BITCH…”” – Paul Tabachneck
· “New Yorkers: Keeping It Real Since 1886” – Nicole
· “She’ll Be His First Target When He Becomes a Serial Killer” – Muse on the Loose
· “She’ll Gain 200 Pounds When She Gets Pregnant” – Vanessa
· “Southwest Airlines Has Already Made This Point” – Michellinator
· “Under a Fat Man, Nobody Can Hear You Scream” – Trey Jackson
· “Weigh Watchers Has a New Recruiting Campaign Called “Honesty”” – Lauren

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 27, 2009
Ass, Comebacks, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Girls, Headline Contest Winners, Height, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Only in New York, Skinny People, Suits

…If They Promise Not to Get Drunk and Dance on Tables Again.

Little boy in blue blazer and khakis: I'm having a party. You can come.
Little girl in flower dress: (keeps skipping rope)
Little boy: You can bring your Lego people!

–25th St & Broadway

Posted on July 24, 2009
Celebrations/Parties, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Kids, Offers and requests

But I Was Going to Take You to a Comedy Show!

Comedy guy promoter to young JAP: Comedy show! Comedy show! Hey, do you like comedy?
Young JAP: Um… no.
Comedy guy: Come on, they're funny… just come!
Young JAP: Umm… no.
Comedy guy: Fine, don't come. But do you like tall skinny white men? Wanna go on a date?
Young JAP: Again: umm… no.

–14th St & Broadway

Headline by: Kelly Combs

Runners-Up:
· “Feigned Hesitation Is the Cruelest Of the Sarcastic Arts” – Aaron
· “How About Puppies? Everyone Likes Puppies!” – CJ
· “JAP Has No Sense Of Humor, Film at 11” – samson
· “She Actually Just Has a Rare Form Of Tourettes…” – Molly
· “What About Money?! I Bet You Like That!” – Zak Santucci

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 23, 2009
Dating, Headline Contest Winners, JAPs, Offers and requests, The Village, Theater & Dance, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness

“You Have the Right to Remain Wednesday One-Liner”

Cop to another, about uniform and belt: I can't run in this thing.

–Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Sandy Riverside

Random guy, watching 300-pound gangster being arrested: He was throwing the police around like pancakes!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Alex

Guy with garbage bag of purses on St. Patrick's Day: Leprechaun stole my pot o' gold and left me these damn bags! Who wants to buy some stolen shit while the cops are drinking?

–46th St b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Madeline

Police officer to another: He knew I was on the force, and that nigga still gave me a ticket for speeding!

–1 Train

Female train conductor: Nigga, I hate them undercover cops! Always holding the doors! You can never be sure if they cops or if they just guys with gats!

–1 Train

Posted on July 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Fighting and ass kicking, Gripes, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Street, Subway conductors, The Village, Thievery, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg

…Have You Ever Seen Weekend at Bernie's?

Boy to girl: Hey, when you die, can I have your body?
Girl: To do what with?
Boy: Um…

–Cafeteria, The Bronx

Posted on July 21, 2009
Body Parts, Boys, Death, Girls, Offers and requests, Restaurants & Cafes, The Bronx, Weirdness

And If You're Really Good, We'll Do Some Lines Before Bed

Snobby housewife to six-year-old girl on toy bicycle: Do you want to share an iced coffee with me later?
Six-year-old: Yes!

–70th St & Broadway

Overheard by: whatever happened to ice cream as an incentive?

Posted on July 19, 2009
Coffee, Kids, Offers and requests, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires, Women

I've Barely Even Raped and Pillaged!

Lady selling comedy tickets: Come on guys, have the last laugh before the weekend ends!
Guy in pirate costume: No! It can never end!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Emm

Posted on July 17, 2009
Guys, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Vendors & Street Performers

…Now That You've Warmed It for Me.

Jamaican woman: Just give me the fucking birth certificate and let me go!
Man: No! Did you just come here to fuck up my day?
Jamaican woman: We're on 23rd and 5th! Just give me the fucking birth certificate and my money!
Man: Why are you always trying to fuck me up like this?! I'm not giving you nothing! Leave me alone, I do not have to give you the birth certificate!
Jamaican woman: Fine! You take that birth certificate and put it where the sun don't shine!
(storms off, returns a minute later)
Jamaican woman: Now give me the birth certificate.

–Madison Sqaure Park

Overheard by: Anniemal

Posted on July 16, 2009
Anger Management, Insults, Madison Square Garden, Men, Offers and requests, Parks, Questions, Women

Ah, the Circle Of Life

Drunk 20-something girl: Can I get fries for four dollars? I have four dollars. I need fries.
Waiter: No.
Sober 20-something homeless guy: I'll buy you fries.
Drunk 20-something girl: Oh my god, you're such a lifesaver. Do you want some weed?

–Diner, 14th St & 6th Ave

Posted on July 16, 2009
Baristas, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Food, Hobos, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Weed, Wishes & desires

Maybe I Should See If My Giant Leg Fits Up Your Ass

Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Hey, do you need help with anything?
Early 20s average sized girl: I really like these boots but I can't get them zipped up my calf. They are too tight.
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Oh, I see. This happens often. We have a machine that can safely stretch them for you. (goes to the back and stretches each boot twice, then brings them back to girl)
Early 20s something girl: Ugh, they still wont zip up. Can you stretch them anymore?
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Well, they've already been stretch twice… There's not much more I can do. Maybe you should just lose weight.

–4th & 7th

Posted on July 16, 2009
Clerks, Diet/Weight, Girls, Height, Offers and requests, Shoes, Union Square and East Village

Offers and requests