Players

I Need Compassion and an Alibi

Guy #1: She was 14?!
Guy #2: Well, I didn’t know she was 14 when I slept with her.
Guy #1: Dude, how did you not know?!
Guy #2: She didn’t look 14…
Guy #1: And you didn’t ask her age?
Guy #2: I did. She lied and said she was 21.
Guy #1: And you didn’t ask for some identification?
Guy #2: Yeah man, ’cause the way to get a girl into bed is to ask her for some ID first.
Guy #1: Good point… Well, how old did you say you were?
Guy #2: 21.
Guy #1: 21?!
Guy #2: Yeah, 21.
Guy #1: Right, of course. Because 39 is clearly the new 21!
Guy #2: Don’t judge me, man…

–52nd & Madison

Overheard by: So <i>not</i> 14!

Amelie Finally Decided to Feel Flattered

Handsome thug: Damn, girl, you catch a nigga lookin’ like that.
Confused white hipster girl: Um, thanks?

–Fulton St, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Bed-Stuy Do or Die

FYI: They Didn’t Get Any

Player: Nah, I don’t really think I’m God. More like one of his disciples.

–Coffee Shop, Union Square

Overheard by: Ashley

NewsFlash: Asshole Hangs Out at Sports Bar, Film at 11

Man #1: There are no cute chicks here.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: Let’s go some place else — my wife is working overnight at the hospital.

–ESPN Zone Sports Bar, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Are Out the Door Before the Condom Comes Off

Building worker on cell: Like her? No, I don’t like her. I have to like every girl that I bone? Terrible? Why is that terrible?

–52nd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: blatto

Guy on cell: I’m looking for someone to, excuse my language, fuck, not just have sex with.

–Manhattan Ave

Overheard by: Jason

Eurotrash: So then I felt bad because he couldn’t guess who I was and so I gave him a hint. I told him I would meet him at six o’clock at the motel, because you know, that was like our place!

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy: You sleep with them once and they expect you to bring your toothbrush and loofa over the next time.

–Tad’s Montana

Overheard by: Mishen

Girl on cell: Remember how I was talking to that guy in London? Well, he’s coming to visit for five days. Yeah, it’s gonna be fun. I’ve decided, after he leaves, I’m not going to talk to him anymore. What’s the point? It’s not even a relationship, it’s a pseudo-relationship. You fight and get mad and what for? I’m not moving to London, he’s not moving to New York. Yeah, so we’ll have fun, and then when he leaves, I just won’t talk to him anymore. How is that shady?

–N train, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Girl: Yeah, I feel like I’m bangin’ the whole world!

–Columbus Circle subway exit

Zen and the Art of Debauchery

Hipster guy: Ever fuck a black chick?
Buddy: I don’t get involved enough with the chicks I fuck to learn details like that.

–Court & Joralemon St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-liners Up the Wazoo

Queer: It was, like, 8:30 in the morning and my colon called and said it needed a filling.

–Christopher Street Pier

Overheard by: Fourth Axiom

Dude, Your Pimp Hand is Mad Weak

Crying woman: You fucked her and then you fucked me.
Man: But baby, I knew it was wrong at the time!

–Central Park South

Overheard by: Lily

The Worst Pick-up Line Ever

Wannabe Player: It is a pleasure to have the honor of being in your company.

–Halloween Party, Greenwich Village

Boobs Are Boobs

Guy #1: I talked to the redhead girl.
Guy #2: No, I said to talk to the red sweater girl.
Guy #1: Oh, I thought you said the redhead girl.
Guy #2: Well, what’d she say, anyway?

–The Dublin Harp, UWS

Overheard by: Travis York

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