Poop

Little girl: Mommy, I’m hot. Can we swim in there?
Mom: No, sweetie. Everyone in New York poops in that river.

–Ferry to Ellis Island
Headline by: agela abdullah

Runners-Up:
· “And Your Turn to Poop in it Isn’t Until February” – Ryan
· “Great, I Need to Top up my Tan!” – SpaceBee
· “I Hear the McDonald’s Pool in the Back is Nice This Time of Year” – Lifeguard Larry
· “Like the Backseat of Your Volvo, Mommy?” – Jeff
· “M. Night Shamalan’s Next Script Idea” – Bevan
· “That’s the New Definition of ‘Hipster.'” – Matthew K Johnson
· “The Statue of Liberty Isn’t Holding a Torch; She’s Lighting a Match.” – erak
· “Well, the Rich People Can Afford to Poop in Long Island Sound” – M.D.
· “Well, Yes. That’s Why I Asked.” – Greg

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Man walking dog: Yo, take a shit right here.

–Houston & Mangin

Overheard by: How about a little to the left?

Woman to her gang-banging pug dog: Everyone can have love together!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: riana

Man to Yorkie, tugging at leash outside porn shop: You don’t want to go in there. Nothing you could use in there… Hmmm, except maybe the rubber goods.

–28th & 8th

Overheard by: Chuckell

Upset man to black lab walking sheepishly beside him: They didn’t want you in there because you’re black, and they should have the guts to say so! We should go back to that fucking place and burn it down! [Pats pooch on head.] Good girl. You’re a good girl. [They start walking away again, and man mutters to himself] Motherfuckers.

–W 4th St

Barista #1: Guess what I just did — drank a whole package of frappucino mix.
Barista #2: Ew.
Barista #1: She said she’d pay me five dollars.
Barista #2: What if you get, like, diarrhea or something?
Barista #3: I’ll give you seven if you get diarrhea.

–Starbucks, 111th St

Guy: Hey pretty lady, what’s your hurry? Can I have some of that?…Oh, come on, share your candy, pretty lady.
Lady: It’s Pepto Bismol, not candy.
Guy: Walk on, crappy lady, walk on.

–88th & Broadway

Overheard by: Lizzie

Mom: Hold my hand! It’s too crowded for you to let go of my hand!
Dad: He think he grown, but he ain’t grown yet.
Mom: I know, waking up all early in the morning.
Dad: Next time he does that, thinkin’ he’s all grown, tell him to change his own shitty Pamper.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: J. Noelle

Guy: Baby, I gotta piss, shit…barf, burp, sneeze, all that crap.

–Astroland

Punk girl: Oh my God. If I see Jorge I’m going to poop my pants.

–Randall’s Island

Overheard by: Holly Kaye

Woman: Do you know how nasty maxi pads are? It’s like a baby sitting in its own shit. It’s like me sloshing around in my own blood!

–22nd & Park

Overheard by: Sion Harrington

Crazy lady: Can I get some privacy? I saw you peeking through the crack. All I wanna do is pee. Can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee. If you wanna see pussy, I can show you where to go but can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee!

–Penn Station ladies’ room

Overheard by: bebe

Woman: Excuse me! If you’re going to pee on the seat do you think you could at least wipe it off when you’re done so the next person doesn’t have to sit in it?

–Grand Central ladies’ room

Dude on cell: …so I picked it up and there was, like, some brown stuff on it that I thought was, like, dirt. So I went to brush it off with my hand…but dude, it, like, wasn’t dirt…no…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: P. Mills

Girl: Yo, this motherfucking butterscotch tastes like jizz!

–Loews, 32nd & 2nd

Overheard by: annie lin

Woman on cell: I don’t even know how to wash his balls when they’re that dirty!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: cat verde

Punk chick: Guys are so lucky they don’t have to bleed and when they do, it’s like, all manly.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Miss Amelia

Woman: We’ll have the perfectly peanut butter sundae.
Store girl: Okay, sure.
Man: Come on, you know I fucking hate the taste of peanut butter!
Woman: Are you kidding me? I ate your jizz just a couple of hours ago, I think you eating the ice cream I want would be a decent fucking compromise!
Store girl: …Um…Yeah, so…I’m taking that as extra peanut butter.

–Dylan’s Candy Bar, 3rd Avenue

Guy: The thing about Cronenberg is that you have to appreciate him in
context to what he does…which is often unappreciable.

–Belmont Lounge, East 15th Street

Mom: You couldn’t even wait ’til we got to the bathroom.
Little boy: I told you.
Mom: You know you coulda held it.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Ben Couch

Saleslady #1: She says she’s shitting again. She’s been in there for like 20 minutes.
Saleslady #2: I swear, that girl don’t know how to work.

–Daffy’s

Overheard by: amused tourist