A Gaggle Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I mean, it was bigger than a horse. But it had four humps.

–14th & 2nd

Overheard by: LIZ

Drunk man: A plastic sheep or a real sheep… When it comes down to it… is there really any difference?

–Biddy Early's Pub

Chick on cell: It's better than riding a golden yak!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Man to friend: Did I mean "wombats"? Of course I meant fucking wombats!

–3 Train

Blonde: What is a mongoose and where can I get one?

–Times Square

Guy on cell (fumbling with a pack of Marlboros): Well, for one, it’s been ten days since the baby snakes have eaten.

–92nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: The Mad Man

Middle-aged white guy: …so we told the children they couldn't go to the petting zoo, to see how they would react. (pause) It was interesting on a psychological level.

–Outside of Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on August 27, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Babies, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Library, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People, Words

But That Expert on Oprah Swore It Would Help Me Gain Friends

Well-dressed woman to friend: And I just felt so self-conscious without my toenails.
Friend: Yeah…

–54th & Broadway

Posted on August 12, 2008
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Psychology, Women

Thank God I Don't Have a Penis Anymore

20-something chick: So one of the side effects of my anti-depressive medication is a complete lack of sexual desire.
20-something dude: Oh well, mine don't do that!
20-something chick: Uh… okay?
20-something dude: … just saying.
20-something chick: They also make it harder for men to ejaculate. Not that I would know.
20-something dude: Yes you would, don't lie to me.
20-something chick, hanging head: …I know.

–114th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Posted on August 5, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Cum, Default, Friends, Girls, Guys, Lies, Medicine, Psychology, Sexuality, Upper East Side

After He Saw on Dr. Phil That Families Should Do Things Together

Young male professional: So your dad’s cool with you not eating?
Young female professional: Yeah, he’s totally fine with it. He’s gonna start next week too.

–Union Square

Posted on July 22, 2008
Anorexic, Coworkers, Default, Diet/Weight, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Psychology, Questions, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Billy Joel: “Hey!”

Girlfriend: I just don’t get it. Dan* can be such a nice guy, such a sweetheart. And then other times, he’s Satan. Something must have happened to him when he was a child.
Boyfriend: He’s from Long Island.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: Not from Long Island

Posted on July 7, 2008
Boyfriends, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Girlfriends, Kids, Psychology, Satan, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

In Unrelated News, Aren’t You Glad We’re Ditching Bio Again?

Middle school kid #1: Why do they call it “PMS”?
Middle school kid #2: I dunno.
Middle school kid #1: Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
(hilarious laughter ensues)
Middle school kid #2: That’s so funny. (pause) What’s “PMS”?
Middle school kid #1: I think it’s “Post Mental Syndrome” You know, when you dry up and can’t have babies.

–R Train

Posted on July 7, 2008
Babies, Boys, Default, Illness, Kids, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Words

A Perfectly Rational Response to a Man Coming Down Your Chimney

Woman #1: What’s wrong with Eddie*?
Woman #2: Oh, Eddie* gets claustrophobic in the city.
Little boy: That means he’s afraid of Santa Claus!

–39th St & 6th Ave

Posted on July 6, 2008
Boys, Default, Fears, Holidays, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Psychology, Questions, Women

“So That’s What I Ate for Wednesday One-Liner.”

Skinny, attractive 20-something: Yeah, that’s totally my plan: Get completely smashed every night, eat tons of eggs, then barf them all up.

–E. 84th b/w 1st & York

Overheard by: Holds her Liquor (and her eggs)

Woman in bus on cell: George? George, you there? Oh okay, I’m on my way to the shrink’s office so I can only talk for a little while. Oh no, I’m still not feeling better, I was up all night vomiting like crazy and I’m still ridiculously gassy. Good lord, I should go to a doctor because I also have constant diarrhea. Oh George…

–M66 Bus

Overheard by: Stephanie

Drunk guy: It was incredible. He puked and then he just disappeared. I’ve never seen anything like it. He was like the Criss Angel of puking.

–Outside Lombardi’s

Overheard by: Rich

Girl stumbling back from the bathroom: You guys, we have to leave because I threw up all over the floor and someone saw me.

–Horus

NYU undergrad: So we were going to have an intervention for her, but when we went to her room, she wasn’t there. So instead we wrote on her laptop, "I’m a douche, I drink too much and throw up."

–8th & University

Posted on June 18, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anorexic, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Etiquette, Food, Girls, Guys, Laptop, Little Italy, On Cell, On the Bus, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Skinny People, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Vomit, Weirdness, Women

He Even Eats Semi-Solid Foods Once a Week

Middle-aged man to elderly woman: Mom, he’s such a…I dunno. He told me the same story five times last night.
Elderly woman: Listen, dear: at my age, any man who can walk by himself and pee by himself is a catch.

–Madison Avenue Bus

Overheard by: The New York Crank

Posted on May 26, 2008
Age/Aging, Default, Illness, Men, Moms, Old People, On the Bus, Pee, Psychology, Relationships, Women

And How Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Feel?

Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don’t stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don’t have the patience for it.

–Washington G Station

Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.

–Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn

NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!

–West 4th St

Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?

–Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St

Girl on cell: Don’t you think I’m a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?

–Bedford and North 7th

20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: Trey Givens