Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!

20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.

–Denny's

Overheard by: student-19

Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls.

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Anne

12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.

–Forest Parkway

Overheard by: Jason A

Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Baristas, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cleanliness, College, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Homeless, Moms, On Cell, Preppies, Queens, Queer guys, Restaurants & Cafes, Robbing the Cradle, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Tweens, Upper East Side, Weed, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners (No Homo)

Professor: Let's take a poll: who thinks I am gay?

–Lehman College

Flamboyant gay guy to butch gay guy: You, like, sneeze glitter. That's how gay you are!

–9th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: TR

Daughter to sobbing mother: Mom! Seriously, stop! I'm going to slap you. (mom continues sobbing) I'm not gay! Relax, okay?

–New Utrecht High School

Overheard by: Straight girl

Tween girl to friend: He's 17 years old and he doesn't have any kids? What? Is he gay?

–A Train

Teenage boy: Even if it's with a girl, it's still gay.

–L Train

Overheard by: Sean

Posted on June 24, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bitch-slap, College, Family Ties, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Queer guys, Questions, School and studying, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Threats, Tweens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

It's Also the Stand-Up Comedy Golden Rule

Twink: Okay, new rule, new rule! “If you can't fuck me standing up, you can't fuck me”.
Friend: Yeah.
Twink: Actually, that is a really good rule.

–Marie's Crisis Piano Bar, West Village

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Posted on June 18, 2009
Bars & Clubs, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Queer guys, Sex, Weirdness, West Village

Even His Mistress Doesn't Put Out!

Female suit: Every time he answers his phone it's with his business greeting. Like, it's your wife, dude, just say hi! God, I hate him.
Gay suit: Yeah, it's like she's the only person who thinks you're important, anyway!

–5th Ave & 55th St

Overheard by: CollegiateCutie

Posted on June 15, 2009
Comebacks, Family Ties, Gripes, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Queer guys, Suits

If Will and Grace Had Been on HBO

Gay male: I just want to get naked, go home, and smoke crack.
Fag hag, casually: Okay.

–Perry Street

Posted on June 5, 2009
Fag Hags, Hard Drugs, Home, Sweet Home, Nudity, Queer guys, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires

Translation: I'm Having an Outbreak

Gay #1: So how's the gay scene been treating you since you moved here?
Gay #2: Eh. City cock isn't really my type.

–Borough Hall

Overheard by: lusherz

Posted on May 24, 2009
Brooklyn, Gays and Lesbians, Penis, Queer guys, Questions

With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Guy pouring himself cup of coffee to guy watching: You and I just really need to have a huge fight. I think that's the only way we can truly be friends.

–Fox News Breakroom

Overheard by: CreateEvity

College girl on cell: I'm a real-life imaginary friend to two different people.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Am I Imaginary?

Soft-spoken thug on cell: I don't want to upset my baby momma, but I don't want to lose you as a friend.

–123rd & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Girl on phone: His name isn't CJ, it's JP. He wants to be friends with me, I'm gonna friend the heck outta him!

–Lafayette & White

Loud gay guy: So he asks me, "are we still just friends?" and I'm like, "umm, your dick was just in my mouth. Thats not what just friends do."

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Ricardo the Sex Machine

Suit to hot chick: So what's your take on the bottled water companies? Friend or foe?

–Odeon, Thomas & Broadway

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Posted on May 20, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, BJs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Fighting and ass kicking, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Nicknames & name calling, Office, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sorority Girls, Stupidity, Suits, Thugs, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Ogrerotica!

Dude: So what have you been up to lately?
Gay friend: Oh, nothing. (pause) Oh! I've been writing a book about Shrek!

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: Cori

Posted on May 19, 2009
Books & Writing, Friends, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Queer guys, Questions

We'll Wear Pleated Khakis and Have Sex With Women for All Eternity

Gay guy #1: I shouldn't have told them about it.
Gay guy #2: Oh, don't feel bad. We're both going to hell anyway.

–1 Train

Posted on May 18, 2009
Apologies, On the Subway, Queer guys, Satan

Why E Is Bad, in a Nutshell

Hipster girl: So, we were talking about, like, Derrida, and like the universe, and then he just kissed me. It was so romantic.
Hipster gay guy, clearly not listening, staring into phone: Oh, so cute. So cute.
Hipster girl: James*, he kissed me!
Hipster gay guy: Woof, woof. Bark. Arf!
Hipster girl: What?
Hipster gay guy: I thought you were talking about a dog, so I chimed in.
Hipster girl: You need to stop doing E.
Hipster gay guy: It makes masturbating great, though.

–Columbia University

Posted on May 11, 2009
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Girls, Hipsters, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Love, Man's Best Friend, Masturbation, Philosophy, Queer guys

Queer guys

It's Also the Stand-Up Comedy Golden Rule