Stupidity

They’re Not Going to Be One-Upped on the Surrealism

Guy #1: You know that Anton Webern’s Quartet for the End of Time was performed in a concentration camp? Crazy.
Guy #2: Yeah. He died real weird. I forget how. I think the Nazis shot him.
Total stranger: Actually he was shot by Allied soldiers. He was breaking curfew smoking a cigarette, and they mistook him for his brother-in-law, who was an alleged Nazi spy.
Guy #1: Oh, I see. Thanks.
Total stranger: Any other questions? I just ride this train all day waiting to answer questions on twentieth-century music composition. The next car has an expert on Chekhov, and the conductor studies philosophy.
Guy #1: So anyway, Slavic girls are pretty hot.
Guy #2: Yeah, for real.

–7 train

How You Know Someone’s Time-Traveled at Least Twice During One Conversation

Girl #1: At least I still kept my perfume.
Girl #2: Oh my gosh, did you leave your perfume behind?
Girl #1: No, I said I brought it with me.
Girl #2: Wait, do you still have your perfume?

–Spring & Broadway

The Inverse Relationship Between Literacy and Distance to the Ocean

Snob #1: This is exactly what kids in school should see.
Snob #2: Especially in the Midwest, where they don’t read.

–Delacorte Theater, Central Park

Overheard by: Literate Midwesterner

Hey, Syd! Do We Have to Pay Corpses Scale?

Woman: Oh, he looked so old and sick in that movie. Really horrible.
Man: You know he died, right?
Woman: Oh, they must have made the movie before that.

–NJ Transit train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: confabulation nation

People…People Who Read People…Are the Schmuckiest People in the World

JAP #1: Which magazine do we want — People or Us?
JAP #2: I don’t know, let’s get People.
JAP #1: Yeah, People has fewer words in it.

–Kosher Delight Restaurant, 13th Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Runners-Up:
· “Also Her Rationale for Rejecting the New Testament” – El Jefe
· “Also How President Bush Chooses His Speeches” – Nicole
· “Brevity Is the Soul of Twit” – Bern
· “But if You Eliminate US Magazine’s Use of ‘Brangelina,’ It’s Like 9 Words, Tops” – Riley Ray
· “But They Buy Playboy for the Articles” – Lalaith
· “Does the Menu Come on Podcast?” – Jodi
· “Jews Against ‘Wholesale Bargain’ Stereotype” – jason
· “Now if They Would Just Caption the Pictures with Other Pictures” – Gadfly22
· “Oy” – Wendy
· “Patiently Waiting Until Cheap Celebrity Gossip is Available Telepathically” – Diane

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The Baby Never Has Anything Intelligent to Say, So We Know You’re the Mother

Woman #1: I know he be my baby’s daddy.
Woman #2: Yeah? How?
Woman #1: They be lookin’ the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain’t got no teeth eitha’.

–6 train, Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: lauren

Positive Spin: This Girl Will Never Be Bored

Teen girl #1: Last night I thought the lights were flicking on and off in my room.
Teen girl #2: Was there something wrong with the electricity?
Teen girl #1: No, I realized it was just me opening and closing my eyes.

–12th & 6th

Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I don’t know, now she won’t sleep in the bedroom ’cause of the mobster, and she needs a ride to the Hamptons.

–7th & Ave A

Overheard by: Analt

Guy: He’ll be here in another twenty minutes. He’s sleeping in the back of a car.

–74th & 2nd

Overheard by: Wendy

Teenage girl: I know it’s so wrong, but I’m seriously lusting for luxury cars. I just want to lick them. I want to hump those leather seats!

–WTC Path station

Overheard by: Carine

Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world!

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: confused

Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn’t-a stole that car.

–Bodega, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Flasteppi

Drunk guy on cell: If you don’t have my money by 12 tomorrow, I’m gonna get your mother’s car and your sister’s car…I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money.

–Union Turnpike-Kew Gardens E/F station

Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn’t have cars.

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: Frank & Alex

The Fat Part’s Free, But You Have to Pay for the Protein and the Carbs

Shopper #1: I’ve never bought yogurt before. I don’t know what to get. What does fat free mean?
Shopper #2: You know, its free… of fat.
Shopper #1: Oh, OK.

–Grocery, 40th & 5th

Overheard by: Super Mike

Silicone Jelly

Kinderslut #1: You wanna know the secret to having big boobs?
Kinderslut #2: Fuck, yes, you know how flat-chested I am!
Kinderslut #1: Mom and I are very well endowed, so I asked her if it was genetic or something else.
Kinderslut #2: And?
Kinderslut #1: Peanut butter.
Kinderslut #2: You’re shittin’ me! Are you sure?
Kinderslut #1: Yes! I’ve been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all my life. So has my mom, and you see.
Kinderslut #2: Could be the jelly.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: angie

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