Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor: Attention passengers. Have your ticket out so you can be inspected and accepted, or rejected and ejected. Also, there is no smoking or urinating inside, outside, between, under, above, or around the train. Do not stick any appendages out the windows, or you will lose them.

–Grand Central

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last stop on this train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Also, you'll want to remember to take the little ones, because we charge too much for babysitting.

–J Train

Overheard by: Penny

Small child's voice on subway speaker: Next stop, one two fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee!

–B Train

Overheard by: john

Conductor over loudspeaker: Hey! To the kid who just gave me the finger–grow up!

–F Train

Overheard by: Bernie

Conductor: Know where you need to go–East Side or West Side, cause we ain't going where you think. Those of you who know what I mean, tell the person next to you who hasn't a clue. Help me out here, people–help me out.

–2 Train

Overheard by: know what you mean

Conductor: This is a Downtown Express c train. Express express express express express express. Express. Don't say I didn't warn you, people.

–C Train

Conductor: For those of you getting off at Seaford Station, the front two cars will not platform at Seaford. I suggest you take the time now to move back to the cars that will make the platform at Seaford…or you can do what everyone does anyway and wait until the last minute and panic.

–LIRR

Overheard by: The WC

Posted on September 10, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Directions, Grand Central, Insults, Kids, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners in a Garden State of Mind

Cute queer to hot Asian friend: I would rather have you drive drunk and stay at a friend's place in Manhattan then take a cab back to Jersey.

–Manhattan

Professor: For Muslims, the afterlife is more real to them than it is to me or you. For them, dying is like…going to New Jersey. Beautiful New Jersey.

–Stern Building, NYU

Overheard by: Emily

Trashy girl (knocking on door of a convenience store that just closed): Yo, let me in! I just want to buy a Heineken before I go back to New Jersey!

–W 108th & Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: MR

Construction worker to people exiting PATH station: You're from Jersey! You should be happy!

–Vesey St & Church St

20-something on cell: I'm at Penn station and there are so many guidos and guidettes on their way back to Jersey. Watching them is like watching babies stuck in a McDonald's ball pit.

–Penn Station

NJ Transit worker: You'd be surprised how many honest people there are in New Jersey.

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Jersey Girl

Conductor: This is a Jersey bound Q train. Oh shiiiiit.

–Brooklyn Bound Q Train

Overheard by: office peon

Posted on September 3, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Construction Guys, Coworkers, Drinks, Friends, Girls, Insults, Islam, Manhattan, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Subway conductors, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wishes & desires

TiVo: Oh Fuck, Not This Again

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because of an injured passenger.
Heavy-set African American lady: Is you serious? I'm a miss Flavor of Love!
(few minutes later)
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because of an injured customer on the tracks.
Heavy-set African American lady: They better pick him up and get him off them tracks or I'm a miss Flavor of Love!
(few minutes later)
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train has collided with a customer on the tracks. We are waiting for the police to investigate. Please be patient.
Heavy-set African American lady: Good thing I got that TiVo…

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Noel Coward

Posted on September 1, 2008
Accidents, Black People, Default, Gadgets, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Time, TV, Women

Jeez, Even They Can't Understand Each Other

Conductor on PA: (unintelligible)
Driver on PA: Uh, could you say that again, partner? I didn't get that.
Conductor: I *said* (unintelligible)!
Driver: Never mind.

–D Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on August 29, 2008
Coworkers, Default, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Subway conductors, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Just Hope They'll Get There Eventually

Conductor: This is 14th Street, Union Square. Transfers available to the 4, 5, 6, L, Q, R, and W trains. This is a Queens-bound N train. The next stop will be 14th Street, Union Square. 14th Street, Union Square will be the next stop.

–Uptown N Train, Canal Street

Overheard by: V

Conductor: This is 33rd Street. Transfer is available to the… street.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Murray Hill Schlub

Conductor: This is 66th street, Lincoln Tunnel.

–Downtown 2 Train

Overheard by: Close but no cigar

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. This train will *not* be going to South Ferry, due to issues with the problem. I repeat: we will *not* be going to South Ferry, because of issues with the problem.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Conductor: There is no N train service across the platform. I repeat, there is no N service across the platform. (N train pulls in) …that is an an N train across the platform.

–Queensboro Plaza

Posted on August 20, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Directions, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queens, Subway conductors, Weirdness, Words

Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!

–E Train

Overheard by: cran

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.

–LIRR

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.

–V-train

Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.

–Metro North Train

Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Jamie

Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!

–NJ Transit

Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?

–A Train

Overheard by: Schechter

Posted on July 30, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Conductors, Fashion, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Time, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners — Not the South American Country

Train conductor: Now arriving at 116th street, Columbia University. Ivy league. Ivy league… Ivy league… Ivy league… Stand clear of the closing doors.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Amused Subway Rider

Guy on phone: I’m a tool, I’ll admit that.

–College Walk, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ed

Chick on cell: How did they know I was feeling hormonal? And did they need to announce it on my boarding pass?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: YotGC

(Columbia student #1 jaywalks in front of a car)
Columbia student #2: I can’t get hit by a car right now! I have a paper to write!

–115th & Broadway

(two frat boys in boxers run a lap down 113th as a third cheers them on)
Sorority girl: Sometimes I wonder how some of these people get into Columbia…

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: wondering the same thing

Posted on July 23, 2008
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Education, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Sorority Girls, Students, Subway conductors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners Can Dream, Can’t They?

Old man: Hah! I fell asleep at her funeral!

–3rd Ave, b/w 10th & 11th

Overheard by: j

Man to woman: Hey you! You were in my dream last night. You, myself and a bunch of people in the office were having an orgy on a mattress right in front of our office. At first it was great, but then it became awkward because people kept walking into the office and we got in their way.

–34th St & 6th Ave

Man with French accent on cell: Do we have room for her, or will she have to sleep in the dungeon?

–32nd & Broadway

Overheard by: LC

(guy is woken up by a friend after falling asleep on the train)
Guy: You dude, why you wake me up! I was having the best dream. There was shorties everywhere. There was shorties in trees and shit!

–2 Train

Conductor: For all of you running late, we are being delayed by another train with the emergency break on. Or you could tell ’em you just slept in today.

–D Train

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Posted on July 16, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dreams, Foreigners, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Jobs & Careers, Lies, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Orgy, Public Transportation, Questions, Subway conductors, Time, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Tourist Season Is New York’s Hunting Season

Conductor: Attention, passengers. This is the last stop on this N train. For service to Brooklyn, please exit and take the R train. Again…
Tourist: Wait, is this the N train?
Passenger: Yes.
Tourist: Does the N train go to Brooklyn?
Passenger: Yes.
Tourist: Does this train go to Brooklyn?
Passenger, exiting: No.

–N Train

Overheard by: Still searching for the logical flaw

Posted on July 12, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Directions, On the Subway, Only in New York, Public Transportation, Questions, Strangers, Subway conductors, Tourism, Tourists

Everyone Has Their Own Learning Curve

Conductor: Please do not attempt to stick your foot into a closing door.
(turns off PA. Comes back on)
Conductor: It’s very dangerous… to put your hand or foot to block a closing door.
(turns off PA again. Comes back on)
Conductor: Especially your foot.

–W Train

Overheard by: Lex

Posted on July 11, 2008
Advice, Body Parts, Default, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors

Subway conductors