Wednesday One-Liners for the Thirteen-Year-Old in Everyone

Girl to friend: Whenever I get a really big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apartment Building, Midtown

Girl: And the doctor asked if she'd gone down on anyone lately, and she said "yeah, and when I was doing it, all these little bumps kept falling off in my mouth," and the doctor said "you have genital warts in your throat."

–L Train

Overheard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all into his friend's mouth. We were dry heaving. But everyone just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Overheard by: Angela

Preteen boy on cell: (belches) Huh? (belches again, loudly) What did you say? I can't hear you, I'm burping.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, "don't send her chocolate, it makes mucus."

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Posted on September 16, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Excretions, Farting & Burping, Food, Friends, Girls, Height, Man's Best Friend, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, STDs, Stupidity, Tweens, Upper East Side, Weirdness

The Detrimental Effects of Early Childhood Exposure to Candyland

Little girl: Dad. Dad. Dad.
Dad: Stop pulling on me. What?
Little girl, pointing up at an enormous black man: He looks like a big chocolate bar!
Dad, with a forced grin: She’s five.

–Line, Grace’s Market Place

Posted on September 12, 2020
Age/Aging, Apologies, Colors, Dads, Default, Girls, Grocery Stores, Kids, Physical appearance, Race, Upper East Side

Welcome to the Wednesday One-Liner Positioning System

Girl on cell, looking for her friends: Can you see me? Look at the sun, I'm directly under it right now.

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park

Guy on cell: Yeah, we'll go now. Okay. Right now, I'm at 116 and Hamsterdam–Hamsterdam? What the fuck did I just say? Oh, wow, that is a disturbing mental image. Yeah, exactly. River full of hamsters. Okay, see ya.

–116th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: That would be truly terrifying.

Harlem woman on cell: Come find me! I'm on the downtown side of the street!

–East Side

Drunk guy on cell: Yo, I'm on the corner of fuckin' somethin' an somethin'.

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Drunk on cell: Where am I? Where am I? I'm at the corner of Charles Street and motherfucking I don't know!

–West Village

Woman to friends: Oh thank god! I feel so much safer now that we're at 7th Avenue.

–G Train

Posted on August 13, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Directions, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Street, Stupidity, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

…But Not Really

Girl: When I look back on my life, I’m not going to think about trips I went on or relationships I had, I’ll be thinking about television programs I watched.
Guy: That’s horrible!
Girl: Well I was only kidding!

–86th and Lex

Posted on July 28, 2020
Girls, TV, Upper East Side

How Would You Feel If Someone Said You Were from the Upper West Side?

Preppy guy: She's half Mexican. Her father is from Spain.
Preppy girl: Wouldn't that make her half Spanish, not Mexican?
Preppy guy: What is the difference?

–83rd St & 2nd Ave

Posted on July 25, 2020
Global Geography, Preppies, Race, Stupidity, Upper East Side

Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It

Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it’s cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don’t want his smelly ass touching my baby.

–115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd

Overheard by: Paula

Posted on July 21, 2020
Assholes, Biotechs, Girls, Hobos, Insults, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Upper East Side, Weather

How Much Is That Wednesday One-Liner in the Window?

Man eating brunch to male friend: We both came out seven years ago. We are puppy gay in dog years.

–Big Daddy’s Diner

Overheard by: Morgan

Very loving mom talking to daughter about her son: Hey! He is not an animal, he is not a dog. Well, at least not today!

–Hell’s Kitchen

Outraged woman to man: What? No! Do not put the dog in the furnace, Ted!

–Court Street

Chick with cigarette, on cell: … Leathery fetish dog-masks, or just Halloween style dog-masks?

–Outside Tagine, 40th & 9th

Overheard by: Ladle

Philosophical suit: The only reason I haven’t divorced my wife is because of the dog.

–Upper East Side

Posted on April 29, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, S&M, Smokers & Smoking, Suits, Time, Upper East Side, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

Having Strangers Discipline Your Kids Is Mmm Mmm Good

Screaming child: I want a new hat!
Latino nanny: Calm down before I turn you into soup!

–Madison Ave & 81st St

Posted on April 18, 2020
Clerks, Clothing, Kids, Latinos, Should've Used a Condom, Threats, Upper East Side, Wishes & desires

Scenes from the Strike

Suit: Where are you going?
Guy: Why does it matter to you? I never got in someone else’s cab before.
Suit: How about an area: Midtown, Downtown, West Side?
Guy: Maybe if you got into a cab on a downtown avenue and not 2nd Avenue, you would have your own cab.

–Cab, 75th & 2nd

Overheard by: The front seat

Posted on April 9, 2020
Guys, Only in New York, Suits, Upper East Side

And I'm Still Smarter Than You. That's Gotta Burn

Hip 18-year-old daughter: Mom, stop laughing! I'm like the least funny person I've ever met.
Mom, laughing: No, you're so funny! You always have been! It's like you have an extra chromosome or something. (walks into an apartment and closes door behind her before her daughter and her friend can follow).
Girl's friend: So, you're retarded. You have an extra chromosome. You're fucking retarded.

–87th & East End

Overheard by: Sophie

Posted on January 5, 2020
Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, Insults, Moms, Offers and requests, Retardation, Upper East Side