Girl: Isn’t your dad Swiss?
Guy: No, he’s Swedish.
Girl: Oh, that’s right: people are Swedish, things are Swiss. Well, actually, they’re interchangeable.
–Sprint Store, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Thunder
Girl: Isn’t your dad Swiss?
Guy: No, he’s Swedish.
Girl: Oh, that’s right: people are Swedish, things are Swiss. Well, actually, they’re interchangeable.
–Sprint Store, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Thunder
Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?
–42nd and 10th
Overheard by: dk
Hurrying lady: …and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.
–43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Casper
Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn’t the same when you’re constipated.
–Daryl Roth Theatre, Union Square
Hipster girl: So I just said to him, “Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!”…Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.
–Brooklyn bound F train
Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: baffled
Dude: Nah, I wouldn’t piss on someone if I didn’t know them.
–Bar, Queens
Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That’s my fucking right as an American. I’m a patriot. Patriot, that’s an adverb. An action adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you’ve got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I’m pissing on the fucking floor.
–Virgin Megastore, Union Square
Tourist #1, looking at sign: What is a bunion?
Tourist #2: It sounds like something you can eat.
Tourist #1: Like an onion bun?
Tourist #2: Yeah, like that.
Tourist #1: Mmm, that makes me hungry. Let’s get some food when we get off the train.
–2 train
Overheard by: dubs
Day camper: This one’s a nigger joke.
Camp counselor: It’s a what?
Day camper: A newer joke.
Camp counselor, relieved: Oh, go ahead.
–162nd St
Overheard by: Someone who also heard nigger
Girl on cell: So I woke up with a slice of pizza on my stomach again last night.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Frank B
Man: You know my theory: ground beef makes anything taste better.
–6 train
Overheard by: Sol
Old woman: Give me a donut. But not a very sweet one. I’m diabetic.
–Clarkson Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: astronugget
Fat woman on cell: “Butter Lovers” or “X-treme Butter” with an X?
–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Rita
Teenage boy: I had frosted Cheerios for breakfast. That’s some heavy shit.
–86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Madison Parks
Woman, yelling into her cell in a thick Puerto Rican/New York accent: I had to call you. Guess what I’m thinking about right now? Guess! You know the little peanut man on the jar of peanuts? Him! The little peanut man.
–crosstown bus, 72nd & Lex
Queer: Here’s what I want you to do. First, I want you to spread chocolate on my chest. Then, I want you to spread some nougat, then some caramel and roasted peanuts. Then I want you to fuck me and call me Snickers.
–Fire Island
CEO Lex Fenwick: Let me tell you three things about Bloomberg [raises five fingers]. Customer service, customer service, customer service, and customer service.
Intern: That was only four, Lex. You raised five fingers and said you were going to tell us three things.
Lex Fenwick: You’re fired!
–Bloomberg L.P.
Overheard by: summer intern
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. “Knish” is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled “knish” wrong, and I’ve told you guys before and it still hasn’t been fixed. Look, buddy, I’ve come in here ten times in the last week. I’ve told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It’s knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by “the Jews” he means himself.
–Organic food store, 19th & 3rd
Overheard by: Boo Radley
Guy #1: Hey. Is it hailing out?
Guy #2: Hail yeah!
Silence for a few seconds.
Guy #2: I said…
Guy #1: I heard you. Shut up.
–Joe’s Pizza, Carmine & 6th Ave
Overheard by: james clunie
Woman #1: She got a booty do
Woman #2: A booty do?
Woman #1: Yeah, you know, when your belly stick out more than your booty do?
–4 train
