Words

Wednesday Fuckin’ One-Liners, Dude

Guy on cell: Yo, did you get me my plane ticket? I need to fuck this guy up and get the hell out of here.

–MacDougal St

Overheard by: Lauren

Metro NY guy: Take the fuckin’ paper!

–42nd & Vanderbilt

Overheard by: didn’t take the fuckin’ paper

Hipster boyfriend to hipster girlfriend: You can go fuck, fuck, fuck yourself, and I don’t fucking care, you fuck.

–Bleecker & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Patty K.

Guy on cell: Fucking? Are you Fucking?…Beating off?…What’s that sound?…I don’t know; I’m out of guesses!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Thompson

Construction worker, building a new school: So we fucked it up. It’s Friday anyway. I don’t have to look at it no more.

–35th St & 35th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Suit: And now she wants to be involved in my strategic planning initiative? Fuck her!

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Brendan Rogak

Little girl, receiving a stuffed frog from her parents: Fucking frog!!

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: frog-waiting-to-be-kissed

Because I’m Puerto Rican

Queer #1: What did he just say?
Queer #2: He called you maricon. It means faggot in Spanish.
Queer #1: Oh, thank God. I thought he called me Mexican. I was about to be really offended.

–Lorimer St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ray

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Behind

Brooklyn guy: All I’m sayin’ is it goes without sayin’.

–Brooklyn bound D train

Overheard by: Robert Barry Francos

Hoochie on cell: I don’t want that. I’m looking for sauce. Sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce! S-A-U-S-C-E. Sauce!

–Waldbaum’s, Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Liz the Overheardista

Teen girl: Do you think Christmas will ever be on Friday the 13th?

–Times Square

Woman in elevator: She said 13…Where’s 13? What the… fuck? There’s no 13. Should I press 12? Or 14? What?…She said 13. Well I’ll just press both.

–22nd & Broadway

Overheard by: staring at the button for 13

Elderly woman, regarding painting: Would you look at the detail he put into this. It almost looks two dimensional.

–The Met

Overheard by: s.gothman

Tween boy: Did the dinosaurs come before or after Bible times?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Omg! He did not just ask that!

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Left Behind

Girl: This has sterile in it. I can’t buy this; I’m allergic to sterile.

–Duane Reade, 17th & 3rd

Overheard by: mk

American woman, to Arab cashier: What, you didn’t understand what I said? Man, you illiterate.

–Classon Ave, Brooklyn

Chick: I mean, I wasn’t really mentally thinking about it.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Frat boy: Why do they call it “Steak Shack” when it doesn’t sell steaks?

–Shake Shack, Madison Sq Park

Drunk teen girl, raising her beer: Here’s to independence…and the only country that’s got it!

–Waterside Plaza

Overheard by: David Slone

Teen girl: Rebecca wanted to get brown. But brown is such a black color…Well, not that it’s black. But you know.

–D train

Overheard by: Rachel

Young guy to his girlfriend: Shut your fuckin’ mouth when you’re talking to me!

–Outside of K-mart, Astor Place

Overheard by: snap snap

I Ask You For Help and You Give me Epistemology

Chick #1: Do you have a safety pin?
Chick #2: What’s a safety pin?
Chick #1: Are you serious?
Chick #2: Yeah, I mean, what’s the difference between a safety pin and a paper clip? I know they both hold shit together, but, like, what’s the difference?

–23rd & 1st

Overheard by: Carly

Alanis: ‘No One Knows What That Word Means Anymore’

Guy: I don’t think you need to tell him. It’s like if he was hit by a car, he’d know he was hit. He wouldn’t need someone to tell him.
Girl: Yeah, but he said it was “ironically,” so I don’t think he knows what happened yet.
Guy: What the fuck does that mean?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Videodrew

I Couldn’t Find the Roman Numerals on my Keyboard, so I Used Exclamation Marks

Teen boy: Well, I tend to write more sloppily.
Teen girl: Sloppily!? Is that even a word?
Teen boy: It’s an adverb.
Teen girl: Yes, but I said, “Is that even a word?”

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Trying not to laugh outloud
Headline by: Liz-a-saurus

Runners-Up:
· “I Can’t Keep up. It’s Like English Has a Different Word For Everything” – john
· “Another Blow to the Adverb Civil Rights Campaign” – Susan
· “It Depends on What Your Definition of ‘Is’ Is…” – NTM
· “Only For Handwriting and Prostitution” – scott
· “Right After That, he Prepositioned Her” – Brik
· “She Gave up on School to Focus on Getting Pregnant” – ak
· “That White Flag You See Is From the Makers of Schoolhouse Rock” – Amanda
· “Wait, I Didn’t Understand. I Had Your Dick in my Ear.” – JBunny
· “Well at Least You’ve Got Great Tits” – Peter
· “You Sure Ask a Lot of Questions For Someone With no Forehead” – weston

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Kind of Your Job, Stephen. Ours, Too.

Stephen Colbert: Coxsackie. It’s something that kids get when they eat their poop, or even worse, someone else’s poop. It’s highly contagious. For instance, in those playpens, with the plastic balls? Sometimes they lick the balls, and they get coxsackie…God, that sounded so wrong.

–The Colbert Report studio, 54th & 10th

Overheard by: future gyno

Kids Can Be So Impatient While Their Drugs Are Kicking in…

Little boy: I wanna get high!
Mom: Shhh!

–Atlantic Center, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Things on Track

Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in “Daddy done did it” or B, as in “bad boy Bobby Brown” train.

–C train, 59th St

Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.

–B train

Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.

–Uptown A train

Overheard by: la di da

Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.

–N train, Astoria

Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast

Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.

–C train

Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl

Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.

–Downtown C train, 14th St

Overheard by: alxie

Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, “Howdy!”

–Queens bound F train

Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.

–F train, 34th St

Overheard by: prairiesquid

Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.

–A train

Overheard by: english dude

Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to…This is an A train to… to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we’re going?

–A train, 175th St

Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl

Conductor: All right, there’s a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin’, get to steppin’!

–1 train, Times Square

Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o’ the closing doors o’ my choo-choo!

–PATH train

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