Chick #1: Do you have a safety pin?
Chick #2: What’s a safety pin?
Chick #1: Are you serious?
Chick #2: Yeah, I mean, what’s the difference between a safety pin and a paper clip? I know they both hold shit together, but, like, what’s the difference?
–23rd & 1st
Overheard by: Carly
Guy: I don’t think you need to tell him. It’s like if he was hit by a car, he’d know he was hit. He wouldn’t need someone to tell him.
Girl: Yeah, but he said it was “ironically,” so I don’t think he knows what happened yet.
Guy: What the fuck does that mean?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Videodrew
Teen boy: Well, I tend to write more sloppily.
Teen girl: Sloppily!? Is that even a word?
Teen boy: It’s an adverb.
Teen girl: Yes, but I said, “Is that even a word?”
–Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh outloud
Headline by: Liz-a-saurus
Runners-Up:
· “I Can’t Keep up. It’s Like English Has a Different Word For Everything” – john
· “Another Blow to the Adverb Civil Rights Campaign” – Susan
· “It Depends on What Your Definition of ‘Is’ Is…” – NTM
· “Only For Handwriting and Prostitution” – scott
· “Right After That, he Prepositioned Her” – Brik
· “She Gave up on School to Focus on Getting Pregnant” – ak
· “That White Flag You See Is From the Makers of Schoolhouse Rock” – Amanda
· “Wait, I Didn’t Understand. I Had Your Dick in my Ear.” – JBunny
· “Well at Least You’ve Got Great Tits” – Peter
· “You Sure Ask a Lot of Questions For Someone With no Forehead” – weston
Stephen Colbert: Coxsackie. It’s something that kids get when they eat their poop, or even worse, someone else’s poop. It’s highly contagious. For instance, in those playpens, with the plastic balls? Sometimes they lick the balls, and they get coxsackie…God, that sounded so wrong.
–The Colbert Report studio, 54th & 10th
Overheard by: future gyno
Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in “Daddy done did it” or B, as in “bad boy Bobby Brown” train.
–C train, 59th St
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.
–B train
Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
–Uptown A train
Overheard by: la di da
Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.
–N train, Astoria
Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast
Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.
–C train
Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl
Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.
–Downtown C train, 14th St
Overheard by: alxie
Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, “Howdy!”
–Queens bound F train
Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.
–F train, 34th St
Overheard by: prairiesquid
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.
–A train
Overheard by: english dude
Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to…This is an A train to… to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we’re going?
–A train, 175th St
Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl
Conductor: All right, there’s a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin’, get to steppin’!
–1 train, Times Square
Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o’ the closing doors o’ my choo-choo!
–PATH train
Girl: Isn’t your dad Swiss?
Guy: No, he’s Swedish.
Girl: Oh, that’s right: people are Swedish, things are Swiss. Well, actually, they’re interchangeable.
–Sprint Store, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Thunder
Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?
–42nd and 10th
Overheard by: dk
Hurrying lady: …and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.
–43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Casper
Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn’t the same when you’re constipated.
–Daryl Roth Theatre, Union Square
Hipster girl: So I just said to him, “Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!”…Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.
–Brooklyn bound F train
Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: baffled
Dude: Nah, I wouldn’t piss on someone if I didn’t know them.
–Bar, Queens
Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That’s my fucking right as an American. I’m a patriot. Patriot, that’s an adverb. An action adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you’ve got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I’m pissing on the fucking floor.
–Virgin Megastore, Union Square
Tourist #1, looking at sign: What is a bunion?
Tourist #2: It sounds like something you can eat.
Tourist #1: Like an onion bun?
Tourist #2: Yeah, like that.
Tourist #1: Mmm, that makes me hungry. Let’s get some food when we get off the train.
–2 train
Overheard by: dubs
