WOLing Me Softly

Grandma to kid: It’s really hard to kill people, you know.

–West Village

(20-something sits down and stretches his arms out in a yawn)
Man sitting one seat away: If you touch my leg I’ll kill you.

–1 Train

Middle-aged beefcake on phone: Oh yeah? Well he’s not trying anymore because he’s dead.

–42nd & Lex

Overheard by: bildita

Suit on cell: He was a great guy, until he decided to kill someone.

–Smith & Wollensky

Loud woman on payphone (very angrily): Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with her? Mausoleum? What? What the fuck?

–96th & Madison

Overheard by: grateful undead

Seven-year-old black boy: I’m goin’ to Iraq, to kill Obama!

–125th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: The Drummey

Posted on April 3, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Death, Families, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Meatheads, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Suits, Threats, Upper East Side, War, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Don’t Drink and Wednesday One-Liner

Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds look-alike: Well, you tell her that I will cut Miss Daisy before I drive her.

–51st & 8th

Overheard by: Nigel

Chick to guy: I’ll give you 20 bucks and suck your dick the whole way if you give me a ride home.

–5th & 2nd

Woman to man: Well, if we’re not going to drive anywhere, we might as well drink!

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Hazel

Lady to friend: Yeah, he traded the Camry for a Tahoe, so now the sperm and eggs can all fit into one car.

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: seann r

Messenger with hand truck: Tell them there is no fucking truck — I’m the truck!

–28th & 7th

Posted on March 31, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…

–Nathan's, West 32nd St

Overheard by: SuzeV

Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st

Overheard by: Lillian

Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broadway

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.

–jet blue terminal, jfk

Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.

–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

Posted on March 24, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Death, Duane Reade, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, JFK Airport, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Parents, Poop, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Sweat, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Look Manly in Tights

Despondent hobo: Spider-Man is dead, mothafuckah.

–Thompson & Bleecker

Overheard by: Emily B.

Earnest white girl: So, I’ve been thinking about it, and here’s what I’m picturing — dat ho is lyin’ flat on her stomach, and Superman is on top of her, but he has to maybe keep his arms out in front of him like he’s in flyin’ position… And it seems like maybe it would be easier to Superman a small person… I bet you could Superman a big girl. Yeah, definitely.

–H&M, Soho

Angry vendor in heavy accent, after police bust nearby: They just arrest him. They arrest everybody. They think they are Superman!

–Greene St, Soho

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Costumed guy: Two things you never do — you never pull Superman’s cape, and you never kick Spider-Man in the nuts! [To friend dressed as Spider-Man] You are wearing a cup, right?

–13th & University

Overheard by: theresa

Posted on March 18, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Superheroes, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday: Soft As a Baby's One-Liner

Drunk middle aged man, grabbing wife's shoulder: Watch this! Nine months from tonight! Count it, people! She's going to have a motherfucking baby! Nine months! Niiiiiine months!

–E 9th St & University Place

Overheard by: NYUTSOA2012

Tween to grandmother: There's this girl in my class at school who had a baby around Halloween, and she named it Starlight. It's a baby girl.

–F Train

Overheard by: office peon

Hysterical teen: If I had nine months left to live I would have his baby!

–Gee Whiz, Tribeca

Train conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors! Especially if you got a baby and a baby carriage!

–Uptown 2 Train

Attractive brunette: There were dead babies in the tree. Like Christmas ornaments.

–96th & Broadway

Posted on March 17, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Couples, Death, Drunks, Elementary & Middle School, Families, Girls, Men, Names, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Teens, The Village, Time, Trees and plants, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable

Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like "okay, this is what I'm doing." But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured they'd give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn't pass.

–6 Train

Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you're not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol.

–Polk St

Girl to guy friend: She's a great drunk. She's probably one of the best people to hang out with when she's drunk.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: T

Hawker: It's happy hour! Come on up, and I'll watch your kids while you get drunk.

–Planet Hollywood

Girl, during lunch: I'm not drunk anymore!

–W 4th & University Place

Posted on March 13, 2016
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Bars & Clubs, College, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Friends, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, The Village, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners for Chosen People

Girl: And it’s so weird to ask Jews if they are German. I just feel weird doing it, because of the Nazis and all.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Dan

Posted on March 10, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia University, Girls, Global Geography, Hitler/Nazis, Idiots, Judaism, One-liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are Working on a Perfume Line

Flustered suit pacing along street: Just letting you know I got a FedEx from Bruce Willis, I guess he finally decided to pay his bills.

–84th St

Overheard by: mikaela

Man to dinner companion: So did you know Mia Farrow is doing a hunger strike? Because of what's happening in Darfur? I hope she dies.

–Red Bamboo, West Village

Transvestite: Damn, that girl looks like Brooke Shields. Damn, that white girl in the blue shoes looks like Brooke Shields.

–4 Train

Man giving out Metro newspaper: Metro! Metro! Whoooeee, baby, you looking like Jennifer Lopez! Metro!

–7 Train

Suit on cell: If he does it again I am going to get all Chuck Woolery on his ass!

–Gold St

Posted on March 9, 2016
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Men, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Politics, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoes, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Threats, Trannies, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners (the King James Version)

Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then louder.] If the Amish can do it, so can you!

–113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Lady on cell: You tell my momma to get her ass to church and stop sinning!

–Grand Concourse, 205th St.

Overheard by: LSB

Black guy to another: Go to the Catholic church, cracka. They got good drugs.

–11th & A

Middle Eastern man: I believe in Islam and Allah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop doing those things, then I’ll pray.

–C Train

Overheard by: Mark

Thug: I totally invented the Chuck Norris religion.

–Queens Mall

Overheard by: LSB

Posted on March 9, 2016
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Black People, Celebrities, Church, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Girls, Guys, Islam, Malls, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Religion, Sex, The Bronx, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Women

Wednesday One-liners Teach Your Children Well

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That’s right. You threw up.

–4 train

Overheard by: Leora

Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin’ at the bar, talkin’ ’bout “old school.” How you gon’ talk ’bout “old school” when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that.

–Merrill Lynch lobby, Broadway & Park Row

Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel.

–Broadway & 104th

Posted on March 8, 2016
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Family Ties, Kids, One-liners, Parents, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

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