What's Eating Wednesday One-Liners?

NYU guy on cell: Hey dude, I just wanted you to know that I left my burrito in your fridge. Yeah, I'll come around next Tuesday to pick it up.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Julium

Rotund old woman at lesbian hipster cafe: Give me a sesame bagel, pound it down till it's flat, then toast it till it has a nice rich brown coating. And please, a coffee with cream. Make it a nice tan color.

–Paradise Cafe, 8th & 17th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Middle aged dad, yelling while crossing street with sons: I will learn to make Pad Thai!

–Union Square

Girl on phone: But seriously, you give me good food, and there's a pretty good chance I'll have a thing for you.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: molly

Man: You know, when I was 25 all I thought about was spending the night at the Playboy mansion. And now I'm 35, and all I really want to do is eat barbecue.

–Hill Country BBQ

Overheard by: I'm just here for the ribs.

Posted on June 5, 2017
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Coffee, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Ethnic Food, Food, Frat Boys, Girls, Men, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer “Pleasantly Plump”

Guy on phone: That's not the problem, straight guys who are fatter than me get laid all the time.

–Time Warner Center

Man on cell: Of course I'll recognize you! Unless you got fat!

–Sheep's Meadow, Central Park

Gay black man: Uh uh. Girl, her fat ass will so not make it. You better not bring her here.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: fellow fatass

Excited young teen on cell: Dad! Guess what celebrity we just met?! The Weight Watchers lady! No, the old one! Yeah, Kirstie Alley! We got her autograph! She's real fat now! We met her in the chocolate store!

–W Broadway & Spring

Overheard by: JR

Fat chick: Do not tell me I'm not a size 4!

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Rich H

Posted on May 30, 2017
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Queer guys, Sexuality, Soho, Teens

Start the Clock, Wednesday One-liners

Suit: You know, at 2:30 in the morning, I become, like, a zombie of love.

–G train

Chick: There’s this guy who lives in that clock over there. They showed his apartment on TV. It’s like a prehistoric landmark.

–F train

Overheard by: mh

Chick on cell: Yeah, I’m a ten-minutes-early girl and you’re a ten-minutes-late girl, and together that makes us twenty minutes late.

–Houston & Eldridge

Overheard by: Shane

Yuppie lady: Let’s see your tits!…Hey, we’ve got time. Take off your top.

–Bryant Park

Guy on cell: You can’t fist someone for that long. They turn into a handpuppet after 5 minutes.

–47th & 5th

Posted on April 29, 2017
All Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Q: What's Black and White and Red All Over? A: An Embarrassed Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most embarrassing thing in the bathroom.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: V

Woman to roommate: When we get home, we'll have embarrassing sexual accidents!

–Pathmark, Massapequa

Overheard by: Are they really accidents if you plan ahead?

Nerdy TA: The thesis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It's a little embarrassing, no one really wants to give it, but it'll make you grow as adults.

–Columbia University

Girl to friend: I'm not embarrassed that I peed in his bed. I'm just not.

–Columbia University

Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, "how embarrassing would it be riding on a bike with a nun."

–Grand Central

Overheard by: galgal

Posted on May 30, 2016
Accidents, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Home, Sweet Home, Nerds, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Poop, Religion, Sex, Store, Street, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners: Fact or Fiction?

Guy: It's like August: Osage County, but with zombies.

–Manhattan Theatre Source

Overheard by: Emily B.

Girl: You know what they say: two in the bush, one in the wizard.

–Dorm, Pratt Institute

College student: Ghosts? They're like VT!

–186th St & Amsterdam

Black female suit on cell: Yeah, well you betta hope Tinkabell comes along… Or whoever the fuck it is who grants you ya damn wishes!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: emily d.

Annoyed man on cell walking down stairs: No, mom, I don't know what werewolves eat! No, mom, I don't! Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm going into the subway!

–Union Square Subway Entrance

Overheard by: Masked Avenger

Posted on May 19, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, College, Compare/Contrast, Disney, Girls, Guys, Insults, Magic, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penn Station, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Theater, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Greenwich St.

Overheard by: Katie Compa

Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Santiago and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn

Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises.

–Townsend Harris High School

Overheard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu)

–McDonald's

Posted on May 18, 2016
Activists, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Drunks, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Girls, Guys, Madison Square Garden, One-liners, Penis, Rednecks, Restaurants & Cafes, Students, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Violence, We Love Our Pets, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive

Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!

–Hostos Faculty Dining Room

Overheard by: glad she's leaving

Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food

Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: allison

Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.

–Upper West Side

Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry.

–95th & 2nd

Posted on April 30, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anorexic, Brooklyn, Clerks, College, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Diet/Weight, Food, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Jewish Moms, Nostalgia, One-liners, Skinny People, Street, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Blame Their Mothers

CCNY student: I've always thought he has psychological problems. (pause) Like, he's one of those people that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hallway, CCNY

Overheard by: ladyliver

Suit on cell: She is trying to get a good education so that she can pay for therapy later on.

–1250 Broadway

Loud male customer counting out packets of chewing tobacco: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can't seem to live my life. Kermit is my shrink, so of course I'm screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: Kiri

Dude hanging up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jewish girls need therapy.

–Good Stuff Diner, 14th St

Overheard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you either get help, or you're normal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be normal. Damn.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Sarah

History teacher to class: Does that make you uncomfortable? Because I know I'm mental.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Posted on April 24, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bronx Science, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, City College, Crazy, Customers, Death, Education, Guys, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Port Authority, Psychology, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

WOLing Me Softly

Grandma to kid: It’s really hard to kill people, you know.

–West Village

(20-something sits down and stretches his arms out in a yawn)
Man sitting one seat away: If you touch my leg I’ll kill you.

–1 Train

Middle-aged beefcake on phone: Oh yeah? Well he’s not trying anymore because he’s dead.

–42nd & Lex

Overheard by: bildita

Suit on cell: He was a great guy, until he decided to kill someone.

–Smith & Wollensky

Loud woman on payphone (very angrily): Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with her? Mausoleum? What? What the fuck?

–96th & Madison

Overheard by: grateful undead

Seven-year-old black boy: I’m goin’ to Iraq, to kill Obama!

–125th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: The Drummey

Posted on April 3, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Death, Families, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Meatheads, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Suits, Threats, Upper East Side, War, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Don’t Drink and Wednesday One-Liner

Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds look-alike: Well, you tell her that I will cut Miss Daisy before I drive her.

–51st & 8th

Overheard by: Nigel

Chick to guy: I’ll give you 20 bucks and suck your dick the whole way if you give me a ride home.

–5th & 2nd

Woman to man: Well, if we’re not going to drive anywhere, we might as well drink!

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Hazel

Lady to friend: Yeah, he traded the Camry for a Tahoe, so now the sperm and eggs can all fit into one car.

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: seann r

Messenger with hand truck: Tell them there is no fucking truck — I’m the truck!

–28th & 7th

Posted on March 31, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

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