Girl on cell: I mean is UPS trying to alienate all of New York City? Seriously!
–Prince & 6th
Guy: Is it wrong to break up with someone with a text message? No, right?
–Black and White Bar, 86 E. 10th St.
Overheard by: Andy De Mars
Girl on cell: I mean is UPS trying to alienate all of New York City? Seriously!
–Prince & 6th
Guy: Is it wrong to break up with someone with a text message? No, right?
–Black and White Bar, 86 E. 10th St.
Overheard by: Andy De Mars
Hobo to teen girl with red hands: Wow, your hands are so red. You must have a condition. Yeah, that’s what it must be, a condition. You know, I have a condition, too. I’m a werewolf.
–4 train
Girl: Jewish lesbians? Are you kidding me? They don’t exist. That’s like vampire cowboys.
–16th St & Park Ave South
Overheard by: C-Star
30-ish alternaguy: No, man, he was like a mer-wolf… You know, like a mermaid and a werewolf in one.
–Spring & Lafayette
Hot blonde: But we really are just male elves with long hair and boobs!
–140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Three-Headed Monster
Dude on cell: Yeah and then she started whinnying in excitement right on top of me, like a fucking unicorn or some shit… Yeah, I guess it was pretty hot.
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Shane
Small, excited Mexican child: Is it zombies? I know — it’s the Grim Reaper!
–D train, 36th St atation
Overheard by: Jon A.
Guy to female friend: There's a guy in the Howard Street festival that ejaculates like 20 feet.
–E 3rd St & 1st Ave
Guy: The world is my cumrag!
–4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jordan Bruce
Woman on cell: Yeah, it was great. We managed to buy enough sperm for three kids.
–32nd & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Matt
Intoxicated college boy to friend: I don't want to jism on a girl's back…yet.
–Times Square
Overheard by: watching her back
Suit getting off train, turning around and yelling: Was it semen? (waves goodbye)
–1 Train
Overheard by: hsw
Conductor: Attention downtown passengers. The train that just left the station was obviously not your train.
–6 Train
Woman on cell: Hey, it’s the MTA who should be spanked!
–Rector St.
Overheard by: Ladle
Small girl to mom: I like this train station the best because it has an elevator, and you can see the whole world outside. The whole wide beautiful world.
–Harlem Escalator, 1 Train
Overheard by: Mark Brinker
Guy: I get all my information from subway ads.
–F Train
Overheard by: Thom Cohen
Woman, hearing garbled announcement that E train is running as an F: No! They are takin’ all my E trains!
–E Train
Overheard by: I can has E train?
Crackhead: Make sure to take your newspapers with you on the way out of the train. I’m having company over later and I want it to look nice.
–Franklin Avenue Shuttle
Overheard by: shuttle rider
Cab driver: Jersey, Jersey! What are you doing in New York? Do we go to Jersey? No!…unless we have to go to the Great Adventure.
–Taxi, 23rd & 7th
NY Post guy: Extra! Extra! Read all about it…Charlie Tuna, he’s dead! The Gorton’s Fisherman, he died too. Read it all today!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Allison
Barker: Tonight only! Special deal! A free game for White people! All Caucasians, one free game!
–Coney Island
Overheard by: Drew
Black guy: ’bout time y’all write tickets downtown. I thought y’all only did that shit up in Harlem!
–4th & Bowery
Overheard by: Emily McCombs
Cabbie: …and those Asians, they are the worst of all. They can’t see. They have no peripheral vision. They’ve got rice in their eyes!
–Taxi, Sullivan Street
Big muscular man on cell: It's so damn hot, I'm glad I'm not wearing makeup.
–Outside Tribeca Deli
Overheard by: Akiko
Conductor: This is 42nd Street, Times Square. Number 3 train across the platform. Get it while it's hot!
–Downtown 1 Train
Elderly black woman to no one in particular: It's so hot my pussy is melting!
–12th & Broadway
Overheard by: lemchek
Enthusiastic girl: As soon as I saw his name in lights! His name is so hot! So I have to marry him!
–Thompson & W 3rd St
Guy: I'm telling ya that it was so damn hot in there that my balls rolled out from under my towel and fell on the floor… like they was trying to escape or something.
–Starbucks
Dude to friend: I wanna say she's hot… But I mean she looks like the type of girl who accepts Discover.
–The Village
Man on subway, about to exit: Obama, Islam, Canada. Obama, in Islam, and Canada. (exits train)
–Downtown D Train
Overheard by: katiekatydid
Thug to tourists: How do you say "thank you" in Canadian?
–34th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Fluent in Canadian
Student: I'm so sick and tired of your Canadian condescension.
–Eugene Lang College
Crazy Brooklynite at a payphone: The Queen owns everything! She owns Europe, she owns Africa, and she owns Canada! The one thing she doesn't own is the US. So could somebody give me a US quarter for a Canadian quarter?
–Broadway & 8th St
Ditzy blonde to another: Do we look Canadian?
–Chelsea
Overheard by: Holls
Clerk: Man, people stink. That’s why I’m saying, ‘You want a friend, get a dog. Name it Chico. Only thing Chico won’t do for you is open his own can of dog food.’
–Duane Reade
Black guy to friend: Man, what you gotta do is you gotta go down to the dog track and get it poppin’ with those extreme titties!
–Bar, 5th Ave, Park Slope
Happy hobo: I’m in Manhattan! I’m walkin’ down Prince Street! Hey, now I’m crossin’ Sullivan! Uh-oh, time to make a sound like a dog — woof! Woof! Woof!
–Soho
White girl on cell: DMX got in trouble for fighting dogs too? No, of course I didn’t know that. Where the fuck would you get the idea that I know what DMX does with his spare time?
–114th & Broadway
JAP: I never told her the dog licked her vibrator.
–Coffee shop, Union Square
Underage drunk guy to girl: You know Boston Market? You know those chickens in the rotisserie in the window? Well, imagine yourself in that position. Don’t be Boston Market.
–Duane Reade, 34th & 3rd
WASP lady: It’s so annoying — birds chirping everywhere.
–Madison Square Park
Drunk guy: Hearing birds fucking is awful. This one time I saw this bird fuckin’ another bird in the ass. Then he pulls out and a couple of pellets pop out. The other bird was shittin’ on his fuckin’ dick, bro! Birds are fucked up, man!
–LIRR, between Flatbush Ave & Jamaica
Overheard by: Stevie
Bimbette: Did you see the Planet Earth series? Remember those birds doing the mating dance? Yeah, those birds were so hot. I would do them…
–Cold Stone, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shaking my head at our sad culture
Young lady suit on cell: I have a feeling today is going to suck — the crazy bird man is strolling down the block as we speak. Yeah, the one I saw on the subway last month.
–31st & 8th
Old lady: I am very much looking forward to introducing you to my chicken.
–8th & 5th
Overheard by: I am too
Girl to class: I love classical music! I listen to the Bambi soundtrack all the time!
–Curtis High School, Staten Island
Guy in lobby, at intermission: Hands down, the best band I've ever seen in concert… Hootie and the Blowfish.
–Jazz at Lincoln Center
Guy on cell: I guess they're musicians. They put bitches ahead of practice.
–79th St b/w York & 1st
Overheard by: Queixa
Gay man to another, walking out of a bank: I mean, if you listen to like, one Sade song every six years, it's okay.
–15th St & 8th Ave
Lesbian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and listen to Melissa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Kateri
Straight girl with a seat at the piano: No, I've never been here before, but I'm actually having a good time. I mean, I don't know most of these songs, but earlier he was playing The Sound of Music, and I was rocking out to that.
–Marie's Crisis Piano Bar
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Crazy old cat lady to guy who just shut off obnoxiously loud music in next lane: Why'd you shut it off? I liked that song!
–Marathon Parkway & Northern Boulevard
