All Wednesday One-Liners

Nothing to Be Ashamed of — It’s Just Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I’m stuck!

–Indian restaurant

Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!

–Staten Island Ferry

Guy in stall: I’m an atheist! I’m an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power!

–NYC Main Library

Trendy girl in stall: The toilet’s trying to eat my ass!

–Morimoto

Overheard by: I’d say give a spit polish more than eat

50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom… I had to pee-pee, so I’m in the bathroom at Barney’s… Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she’d have to get a biopsy… Hold on while I wipe.

–Barney’s

Overheard by: Caryn

A Real Celebrity Submission!

Janeane Garofalo: …so I just cover my whole body in Gold Bond powder.

–1st Ave. & 3rd St.

Wednesday One-Liners and the World of Tomorrow

Little boy to mom: I didn’t know that sometimes alarm clocks don’t work. This conversation is over now. We are not discussing it anymore.

–F train, Park Slope

Thug: Don’t whiz on the electric fence!

–D train, Fordham Rd station

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy shouting at motorcyclist revving engine: It’s a fucking Yamaha! It’s only a fucking Yamaha!

–St. Marks & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: shadday

Ghetto chick: Dwayne stole that iPod, anyway. He should have given it to me for free!

–14th St station

Overheard by: am I missing an ipod?

Guy: It’d take a big-ass blowtorch to circumcise a robot.

–Waverly Pl & Greene St

Wednesday One-Liners Are Masters of Their Own Verbal Domain

Guy: They’re squatters and ravers. They squat and rave…They squave.

–Belle and Sebastian show, Battery Park

Overheard by: Lacey

Suit: You know how some people wing it? Well I wanged it. I totally wanged it.

–52nd & 7th

Overheard by: Jatmos

Asian guy: It seems like everyone is giving headjobs these days.

–Flinders St

Overheard by: duygu

Female nurse: I’m telling you, he is totally intercontinental. I have to change him 4 times a day.

–Hudson & Spring

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Wordsmith, on the phone: Ma’am, her train is being delayed because of constipation.

–Office, 1250 Broadway

Teen on cell: He’s not very smart…Yeah, I just need someone to conversate with.

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Chelsea

College guy: The word “secretion” just fucks me up.

–NYU

10-Year-Old boy: I ain’t speakin’ no language.

–B48 bus, Franklin & DeKalb

Overheard by: Kyri

Tourist: Sexual attention is the only language I really understand.

–Around the Clock Diner, Stuyvesant & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: gweny

Woman: The lesbians don’t like the Jews…I mean the Lebanese.

–Party, 16th & 1st

Girl: Stop staring at all the buildings, you look like a terrorist!…I mean tourist. Same thing.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: ceci

Girl: Oh, my shoes totally fell asleep…Fell asleep? Fell apart!

–Fort Greene Park, Brooklyn

Wednesday XXX-liners

Man on cell: Yeah, I got girls who can do that…That too. You just call me back in an hour, I’ll be at the house…I know you make high-quality adult productions, you’re the kind of man I want to be working with…No, the girls talk through me…I got this one girl, very high quality, based in Oregon, she was in Las Vegas last week, she’ll do whatever you ask…

–Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Collect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: mkb

Middle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…

–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse

Overheard by: Julian

Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.

–JFK Airport

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!

–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom

Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U-Haul

The Rainbow Flag Hangs Over Wednesday One-liners

Queer: That’s why you never bring a drunk pussy to a gay club.

–17th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Robert

Girl on cell: But wait, was she gay or was she lesbian?

–8th & Broadway

Queer on cell: Pussy? You mean Pussy?…No?… No, I know Hibiscus…Is that the one with the boyfriend at the bar?…Pussy!…Well, are you the good witch or the wicked witch? Oh, I guess that won’t work for you, you’ve never seen Wizard of Oz.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: mh

Girl: Oh my God, I hear heterosexual voices!

–18th & 8th

Older guy: I’m still trying to figure out who designed this bathroom. I mean, whoever designed this place wanted something up their ass.

–Pavilion movie theater, Park Slope

Overheard by: Daniel Radosh

Girl: Yeah, but I mean, this gay thing’s gonna be in him forever…

–East Drive, Central Park

Woman on cell: Well, if he wears a dress shirt with really nice jeans, that makes it a little less gay for them.

–4th Avenue & 12th Street

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

RuPaul II: Mmm, I would suck spare rib outta his dick…sauce and all.

–Christopher Street

Guy: Yeah, I don’t like lip rings that much. They get dirty too easily, y’know, from food and sucking cock…

–MacDougal Tattoo, Sullivan Street

Overheard by: gwen limbach

Chelsea boy on cell: Hey, honey, I saw you leave with that hot bartender last night. I’m coming over with a couple of videos and that vinaigrette I borrowed, and you’re telling me everything.

–21st & 7th

Woman: Of course. I’m in and out of the closet all the time.

–Dojo, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Ellen

Girl on cell: So he told me that sucking cock didn’t make him gay…and I said, “How’s that if you never go down on me?”…fucking faggot!

–F train

No Wednesday One-Liners in the Champagne Room

Soccer mom: In two weeks, my knitting circle’s going to the strip club.

–28th & Lex

Girl: I want to become a stripper so that I can see Patti LuPone in Gypsy every night.

–St. James Theatre

Overheard by: Erin

Loud NYU chick: Listen to the opening guitar riff of Voodoo child. It makes you want to be a stripper!

–Bobst Library

Overheard by: evil em

Six-year-old boy to parents: Oohh! Zombie strippers! Let’s see that!

–Port Authority

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Crash Moment

Teen chick: You know, when I think about it, I really don’t know how she can be my sister. Our birthdays are exactly one month apart, and she’s light-skinned.

–B48 bus, Brooklyn

Overheard by: eefers

Kid to another: No, really. I’m telling you — Michael Jackson used to be black. I saw it on TV.

–B61 bus, Brooklyn

Lady to friend: Your black ass is going to melt just as fast as my white ass if there is a nuclear war.

–116th & Broadway

White girl to another: So, what’s your dream ethnicity?

–Q train, Canal St

Big black guy: I love Old Navy because it’s like GAP, but for black people.

–Old Navy, 6th Ave

Conductor: Next stop, Penn Station. Black power, motherfuckers.

–2 train, 42nd St

Wednesday One-Liners Strike Hard and Fade Away Without a Trace

Undergrad: Ninjas, see. You can’t creep up on them. You can’t creep up on them because actually they’re creeping up on you. And the person you’re creeping up on is actually a mendicant.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: pumpkin

Teen girl to friend: No one knows about Staten Island. It’s like the ninja island.

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

Young lady suit on cell: Want to know what I learned today? Okay, you know how I really hate those rolling briefcases because they fucking ninja you while you’re walking? Well, today I learned that it’s really hard to be angry about a rolling briefcase when it’s being pulled by a genuine midget. It’s like watching a pony pull a cart. It’s adorable!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: she wasn’t too tall herself…

Geeky girl: They should really make a video game about a ninja doing the dishes. That shit would be dope.

–Flatiron District

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