Boys

That's 15 Seconds Of Reading Time I'll Never Get Back

Teen boy #1, dressed in leather biker jackets and combat books: I've done nothing for days except drink beer and smoke pot. I drink, and I smoke, and I drink, and I smoke, and then I get on the train. To go drink and smoke.
Teen boy #2, wearing same outfit: I know.
Boy #1: But I've got to enjoy it now, you know? When I turn 18, everything is going to change.
Teen boy #2: Dude, totally.
Teen boy #1: When I turn 18, I'm either going to get a car, get a really big tattoo, or get a girlfriend.
Teen boy #2: Really?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, totally. It's going to be way different.
Teen boy #2: What kind of car?
Teen boy #1: Something cool. Maybe a Toyota Corolla or something. I want to be able to go to New Palz whenever, you know? And hang out with my crew up there.
Teen boy #2: New Palz is so cool.
Teen boy #1: I know.

–F Train

What If I'm Not Fresh?

Ginger boy to female friend: Next time we get drunk, can I fuck you in the armpit?
Female friend: That would be awkward.

–Juniper Valley Park

Ted Kennedy Also Had Sisters

Middle aged Latina to Latino boy, eating: Happy birthday! Look at you, surrounded by all these women on your birthday. You are going to be so nice when you grow up. You have five sisters. All the men in your family are grown up, and you got stuck with all the girls. So you're going to be so nice to girls when you get older. Right?
(boy is silent)
Middle aged Latina: Right?
(boy is silent)
Middle aged Latina: You're going to be nice girls when when you grow up, right?
Latino boy: Yeah, sure! Whatever!

–McDonald's

Overheard by: Didn't quite turn out that way

I Almost Enjoy Putting Up with Her Crap

Boy stumbling in: Yo, then I pulled out…and she shit on my foot.
Friend: Was she hot, though?
Boy: She was 200…180 pounds. Whatever…whatever floats your boat, am I right?

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: CMAC ATTACK

How Dr. Phil Got His Start

Young girl: See, I was right! And you said I was stupid.
Young boy: No, I didn't. I said you had a problem, and that ain't changed.

–Central Park West

Headline by: Lusus Naturae

Runners-Up:
· “Fortunately, Most Young Girls Are Stupid, Otherwise Young Boys Wouldn’t Ever Get Laid” – Young, Dumb, & Full Of …
· “Testfiy, Brother, Testify!” – Jakal
· “The Education System Is the Problem, Stupidity Is the Outcome” – Teacher’s Spouse
· “Yep, It’s Infected” – benji

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Not When It's $100 for the First Ejaculation and $20 for Each Additional…

Young boy #1: But I can't hold it in!
Young boy #2: Just wait until we get to Grand Central.
Young boy #1: I can't, though. I got therapy. I'm into hitting people.
Young boy #2: And masturbating?
Young boy #1: Oh, yeah, masturbating. A lot.
Young boy #2: Man, therapy is the place to be!

–6 Train

Overheard by: pomy

Headline by: Roseknows

Runners-Up:
· “Every Session Has a Happy Ending!” – Derek
· “If Only I Had Issues..” – Moogley
· “It’s the Best Place To, You Know, Let It All Out” – Lukas
· “Sometimes You Just Gotta Pound Something!” – Therapy
· “The Doctor Says the Final Treatment Is Something Called “Donkey Punching”” – Sodajerk

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Go On

Guy: But that way everyone feels a little more suicidal, and that makes it much more interesting.

–Broadway & 9th

85-year-old woman with leathery skin, in neon pink jumpsuit and sunglasses, with cigarette in one hand and cane in the other: I wish that cunt would just fucking kill herself!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: kyle

Woman to son, as they look at street vendors' wares: Oh, and do you have the number for the suicide hotline?

–Prince & Mulberry

Upper West Side suit to friend: And I was like, "but I've worn that four times, I can't wear that again. I'd just have to kill myself!"

–Broadway & 104th St

Overheard by: Cat

Man, to the tune of "Lean on Me": Sometimes in our lives/we want to jump right out the window…

–DUMBO, Brooklyn

Overheard by: amused

Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal!

–Roosevelt Island Bus

Speaking Of Red Skin…Ew.

Boy #1: Do you like the Chargers?
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: Do you like the Redskins?
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: Do you like my bum?

–Central Park

What-Would-Jesus-Paint Parties Are Big in Williamsburg

Boy: It's like Jesus Christ, or Jackson Pollock.
Girl: Do you, like, know the people at this party we're going to?

–Union & Metropolitan, Williamsburg

And Neither Is Hummus

Girl: God, I was so mad at my mom, I wanted to dip her in a vat of hummus.
Boy: What the hell?
Girl: Yeah, yeah, that's what ancient Jewish rulers did to people they were mad at.
Boy: You're not even Jewish.
Girl: Oh, yeah. You're right.

–Upper East Side

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