Central Park

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I can't believe you broke a nail on your own ass hair!

–Church & Chambers

Three-year-old boy to another: I like you but I don't like your baby because your baby grabbed my hair.

–Central Park, Great Lawn

Girl: Oh, I'm so glad this is all working out. (gets up and sees her reflection) Fuck! Why didn't you tell me my hair looked like a dead beaver?

–Prince St Cafe

Overheard by: It DID

Black woman to infant held by her mother: Where did you get all of that hair? I want some of that hair. (pats her head) This ain't my hair, I could really use yours.

–Harlem Polling Station

Overheard by: Joe

Girl yelling into cell: He's not even hairy!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Well then why do they call him that?

Chick: I thought we were made for each other, but he's too bearded.

–113th St

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

The Cooties Appear to Have Gone to His Brain

Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn’t.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don’t let him pet you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: amused tourist

He Put His Foot in His Mouth One Time Too Many

Teen girl on cell: So, where are you? So, what happened? Not to your shoe! In the hospital?!

–Central Park

Overheard by: concerned trespasser

Because You Love Me, Right? Honey?

Girl: Honey, are you listening to me?
Guy: No, I was thinking about putting my dick in your mouth.
Girl: Oh.

–Central Park

Overheard by: dead letter b

They’ll Understand about One Word in Ten

Kid: But what if they don’t know what I’m saying?
Mom: Don’t worry. In Canada they speak English.
Kid, crying: But I don’t speak English! I speak American!

–Central Park

My Daddy Says He Has a Very Expensive One on His Back

JAP #1: If you had the chance to hold a monkey, but you had to pay, like, five dollars for it, would you do it?
JAP #2: Oooh, uh-uh. Ain’t no monkey worth five dollars of my time.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: sarah+ryan

I’d Guess Not Unlike Star Jones

Woman #1: …she’s also a lesbian.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah. She’s a black Jewish lesbian mother.
Woman #2: …What do the kids look like?

–Central Park reservoir track

Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”

20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!

–Central Park

Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.

–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: This girl from NY

Got Any Sack-Hygiene Tips?

Frat boy #1: So, this chick loves to suck my balls.
Frat boy #2: Dude, you told us that, like, seven times.
Frat boy #3: Yeah, I’m beginning to think you’re lying.
Frat boy #1: But now I gotta really lather up down there.

–Pool bar

Overheard by: Scotched

Wednesday One-liners Need to Know

Girl: What happens to the leaves if you just leave them on the ground? They just die, right?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Vera Farrelly

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