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Ten Bucks Says He’s Making Water Balloons

Hipster passing large, bald man blocking doorway: Excuse me.
Large, bald man: What are you in a hurry for?
(hipster points to condoms and goes to the counter to pay for them)
Large, bald man: You’re totally on a condom run!
(hipster smiles and glances back to the man)
Large, bald man: Did you pull out of that shit?
Hipster: Nope, just having marathon sex.
Large, bald man: I’d high-five you, but I know where those hands have been.
(hipster leaves, laughing)

–Deli, 7th Ave & Christopher St

Overheard by: a

I Put a Missed Connection on Craigslist, But You Never Responded

Female African American police officer: Don’t you remember I was the one who kicked you out of Yankee stadium?
Hobo: I don’t recall this. I don’t recall this.
Female African American police officer: Yep. It was me. I kicked your ass, I did.

–Avenue Q

Overheard by: innocent bystander

Don’t Ask Questions You Won’t Believe the Answers to

(man and woman chatting, he has a slight pot belly)
Woman: Do you work out?
Man: Yes, I do, actually.
Woman (in disbelief): Really?

–Elevator 2, Penn Plaza

Shocking That the MTA Hasn’t Figured Out a Way to Make Money Off of This

Man, watching display for track announcement: Oh, look, it says “Stand by”! Here it comes! Whaddaya think it’ll be? I’m betting on 9.
Woman: Oh, I say 10. What do you think, mom?
Older woman: Er, 11.
Man: How about you, Fred*?
Older man, not very interested: 5, I guess.
Man: 9 comes up a lot. I take this train all the time and it’s almost always 9. I’ll give you 2 to 1 odds on 5, though. 2 to 1, Fred*.
(older man ignores him)
Man: Come on 9! Damn it, now that guy’s standing right in front of it. Do you believe that? Down in front! Go 9!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Rose Fox

I Mean, What’s Worse Than an Incestuous Generation Gap?

Blonde: Wait, she fucked her uncle? That’s so wrong.
Redhead: He’s only, like, three years older than her.
Blonde: Oh, that uncle? That’s not so bad then. I’d fuck him if he was my uncle.

–NYU Classroom

Overheard by: sitting behind them, laughing my ass off

But That’s What You Said About Cornell!

Older man (looking at the Chrysler building): Look, there’s the Empire State Building!
Teenage girl: What do they do in there? I mean, what is it?
Older man: It’s a college.

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Eric

And Is Lucky the Leprechaun a Prima Donna in Real Life?

(Irish service elevator operator is showing new guy the ropes, delivery Thug walks in)
Operator, with Irish brogue: What’s up?
Thug: 11 C, man. (thug looks at the new guy)
Thug: You new man? Yo, I gotta ask you a question, do you drink beer?
New guy: Yup.
Thug: You drink Guinness?
New guy: Yeah, sometimes.
Thug: Alright, I gotta know, is the Guinness here different from the Guinness back home?
New guy: I am a Long Island Jew.
Thug: Shit, for real? I thought everybody who worked here was from Ireland.
(thug gets off the elevator to make delivery)
Operator: You should’ve asked him if it’s different buying food in a supermarket instead of having to chase and kill it with a spear.

–E 77th St

Where Fox Does Its Recruiting for Moment of Truth

(two guys coming out of the bar bathroom)
Guy #1: I’m taking another shot.
Guy #2: What have you got to lose? Pride? Fuck pride.
Guy #1: You’re right man.

–Bar, 35th & 3rd

And Please Refrain from the Arsenio Fist-Pound

Drunk hobo #1 (in response to young person playing the guitar): Woohoo!
Drunk hobo #2: Why do you always have to be like that? It’s woo… hoo… Not woohoo!

–Washington Square Park

I’ll Need to Review the Ensemble Personally, First

Teenage nymphette: I want to go back to the hotel and go swimming.
Chaperone: What do you have to swim in?
Teenage nymphette: My bra and thong.
Chaperone: Oh no no, I don’t think so.

–Top of the Rock Observation Floor

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