Eating Out

Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we’re trying to eat over here.
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God’s sake, this is a family restaurant!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.

–Mickey D’s, Times Square

Hipster boy: We used to be together, but it just didn’t work out.
Hipster girl: It wasn’t because of her eating out America?

–1 train

Overheard by: Shannon O’Toole

Lady #1: I don’t care what anyone thinks!
Lady #2: Yeah!
Lady #1: I like watermelon!
Lady #2: I hear ya! We can eat whatever we want!

–Central Park

Overheard by: ashley

Woman #1: You have to thank Brian for these photos for us.
Woman #2: Don’t worry, I’ll just sit on his face.

–Q train

Guy: And as I walked out the door I said to her, “One last thing – if your pussy is so good, why don’t you eat it yourself?”

–33rd & Park

Girl: Someone just needs to push him off the gay cliff, ‘cuz he’s not jumpin!

–Varick &Vandam

Ghetto girl: I seen Whoopie Goldberg’s daughter! She a lesbian, light-skinned, and she bad!

–9th Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: david hyman

Darrell Hammond: It’s only queer if you’re on the bottom.


Overheard by: Jess McGins

Angry man on cell: This is exactly why I don’t date bisexual guys!

–3rd Ave & 9th St

Girl on cell: I still don’t get why you dumped him. Just ’cause you’re a lesbian and he’s got that thing for unicorns doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have been cute together.

–2nd & A

Thug: So I was eating that bitch out, and yo, yo, she told me that she was a lez…A lesbian yo! A lesbian!

–Manhattan Ave & 103rd St

Overheard by: Carol – walking slowly so as to hear the rest

Queer: My friend Carol has been dating gay guys for years and fails to realize it until it’s too late!

–Jamaica Ave and 150th St

Overheard by: Rodney-Rod

Flamboyantly gay guy to gay friends: Why do I have to be the queen? Why can’t I just be regular?!

–Christopher Street

Overheard by: JMcheer

Queer to another: I just want to bury my face in his ass!

–67th & Park Ave

Gay guy on cell: Oooh! I love playing straight!

–1st Ave, East Village

Overheard by: B

Stressed gay worker: They always skip over my lunch break. Everyone else gets their lunch breaks but they always skip over mine. Ugh. Guys, I’m gonna take my 15 minutes. I’m taking my 15 minutes. I close tonight… Ugh, this is not the road to success! (storms off)

–H&M Store

Overheard by: nyu kid

Queer to boyfriend: You know Romy and Michelle? I love that movie… That movie made me gay.

–Restaurant, 19th & 8th

Overheard by: batou187

Queer on cell: I know… I know! Gosh, that is sooo gay!
(bewildered elderly lady looks at him)
Queer to elderly lady (in shrieking voice): Oh my god, oh my god, the faggot said gay!

–Central Park

Girl #1: I’d totally teabag him! Wait, what’s the female equivalent of teabag?
Girls #2 & #3: Hmmm…
Queer #1: I dunno — what do you call it when someone dangles lunch meat in your face?
Queer #2: Roast beef curtains?
Girls: Ewww!
Queer #1: No, no, wait! It’s a cold cut swipe!
Everyone: Ewww!


Overheard by: K to tha B

Teen boy #1: Yo, pussy!
Teen boy #2: You just called me a pussy?
Teen boy #1: You are what you eat!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Jenya