Maybe I Should See If My Giant Leg Fits Up Your Ass

Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Hey, do you need help with anything?
Early 20s average sized girl: I really like these boots but I can't get them zipped up my calf. They are too tight.
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Oh, I see. This happens often. We have a machine that can safely stretch them for you. (goes to the back and stretches each boot twice, then brings them back to girl)
Early 20s something girl: Ugh, they still wont zip up. Can you stretch them anymore?
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Well, they've already been stretch twice… There's not much more I can do. Maybe you should just lose weight.

–4th & 7th

Posted on July 16, 2009
Clerks, Diet/Weight, Girls, Height, Offers and requests, Shoes, Union Square and East Village

Just Spit Like I Do, It's Only Bad If You Swallow…

Brunette, looking at menu: What's cream sauce?
Blonde: I don't know, but I feel like it's really bad for you.
Brunette: Yeah, you're right. I'm getting fries.

–Cafeteria, Fordham University

Headline by: Derek

Runners-Up:
· “America’s Obesity Problem:” – catsandgnomes
· “Freshmen 15 Here I Come!” – james
· “Potatoes Are a Vegetable, Right?” – Skug Skellum

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 16, 2009
Advice, Food, Fordham, Girls, Headline Contest Winners, Junk Food & Fast Food, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Girls Never Make Passes/ At Boys' Shitty Asses

Guy: So then he put my Speedo on his head and I was like “Dude! That was from the dirty basket!”
Girl: Gross! Did he get pink eye?
Guy: No?
Girl: I heard that if you get poop in your eye you get pink eye.
Guy: I don't poop in my Speedo!

–Times Square

Overheard by: oh?

Posted on July 16, 2009
Body Parts, Cleanliness, Clothing, Girls, Guys, Illness, Poop, Times Square, Weirdness

Wednesday Two-Faced Liners

Fat naked guy on cell in NYSC locker room: I'm just leaving the bank now.

–New York Sports Club

Girl on cell: Hello? Oh, hi mom. Yeah, yeah, it's really early here. Yeah, it's about two in the morning. Yeah, the Eiffel tower was beautiful. Yeah, right to the top. And then we had crepes, yeah.

–Columbia University

Guy at urinal: I'm walking toward baggage claim, where are you?

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Next urinal

Tweenybopper on phone: Hey, Xander? We're at my house. My mom says you and Corey can't come over. Sorry!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Grumpy old man, walking alone, on cell: I can't! I've got my grandson with me!
(pause) Bitch, why would I lie to you? (pause) Okay, love you too.

–Harlem

Posted on July 15, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Ethnic Food, Family Ties, Fat People, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, LaGuardia Airport, Lies, Love, Nerds, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Starbucks, Time, Tourism, Travel, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners

Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy!

–Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn

Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me?

–1st Ave & 3rd St

Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here… It'll be like Maury Povich.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: NOT the father

Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up.

–Q64 Bus

Overheard by: a people-grower

Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Jenn

Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me?

–2 Train

Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive."

–84th Drive, Queens

Posted on July 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Bus, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Families, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Kids, Languages, Latinos, Malls, Moms, Names, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Pee, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Skinny People, Street, Stupidity, Threats, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

…Making Shopping Lists in Your Head?

Gay boy: So have you guys ever had sex with someone you didn't want to?
Girl: Yes.
Gay boy: Like, they're fucking you and you're just laying there…

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: mezza

Posted on July 13, 2009
Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, The Village, Wishes & desires

Another Thing Nobody Tells You About Childbirth

Girl #1: She smelled like vagina.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #3: No, she smelled like bloody vagina.

–Union Square

Posted on July 13, 2009
Blood & bleeding, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Sensory Experiences, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Weirdness

You Start with Just One, but It Becomes Hobbitual

Girl #1: Do you think you'll go on another date with him?
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm like addicted to hobbits!

–W 20th St & 6th Ave

Posted on July 12, 2009
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dating, Girls, Questions

Hey, You Never Know When a Stray-Dog Contest Will Erupt in New York

Guy, apropos of nothing: You know, if I were ever in one of those contests where there's a stray dog and two families and you have to figure out which family he loves the most, I would totally keep some Snausages in my pocket or something.
(long pause)
Chick he's with: You are a strange little man. A strange little man.

–Uptown Q Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on July 11, 2009
Family Ties, Food, Girls, Guys, Man's Best Friend, On the Subway, Weirdness

Also How Joe Biden Tries to Make Friends

Old man to passing girl: Boo!
(girlfriend shrieks, old man lets out an evil, villain laugh. Girl and her boyfriend walk away quickly, boyfriend chuckling)
Old man, looking back at them as they walk away: Hahahaha! No, no wait! Wait, I'm sorry! I'm sorrryyy!

–77th St & Broadway

Posted on July 11, 2009
Apologies, Boyfriends, Crazies, Crazy, Fears, Girls, Laughter, Old People, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness