Global Geography

Going to the STD Clinic (A NYC Short Story)

Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster–
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.

Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They’re ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it’s really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what’s their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it’ all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart.

Indian chick: Anyway. I’m definitely thinkin’ about havin’ my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that’s all.

–Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue

Overheard by: capn midnite

Wednesday Conga Liners

Man on cell: Yeah, so do you know that show Dancing with the Stars? They got the idea for it from the camera in my shower.

–6th Ave & 55th St

Overheard by: Alicia

Aging badass to lady friend: Yeah, I totally got escorted out of a Tom Petty concert for dancing in the aisles.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Original Badass

Black guy: Hey everybody! Stop what you're doing! There's two black guys about to dance on this train! That's something you don't see often!

–A Train

Flamboyant gay man to friend: You can't sashay in there. There's no room to sashay at all.

–Outside LGBT Community Center, during Fur Ball

Overheard by: pandarants

Drunk Asian girl: It's always time to dance in North Korea.

–2nd St & Ave B

Wait, So Where Are We, Again?

Chick #1: Which one of these countries does not border Argentina? Brazil, Uruguay, Peru, or Bolivia?
Chick #2: Peru, duh.
Chick #3: Obviously. [Makes note on paper, reading aloud] Peru, Europe.
Chick #2: Peru’s not in Europe, dude.
Chick #3: No, no, because all the other countries are in South America, the reason Peru isn’t connected is because it’s in Europe!

–NYU

New York Does Not Do Hyphenation, Douche

Guy: I’m a NyLon.
Girl: A what?
Guy: A NyLon. New York-Londoner.
Girl: Oh, well, I’m a NoInt.
Guy: NoInt?
Girl: Yeah, Not Interested.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Lucy Stone

Wheresday One-Liners

NYU guy to tourist friends: Well, here's Grand Central!

–Broadway & Waverly

Guy on Sidekick to another: I wasn't sure if he was talking about Buffalo or Baltimore! I mean, I don't even know where Buffalo is! Is it a state?

–1 Train

Overheard by: amalthya

Ditzy girl sobbing on cell: You don't understand! They told me I was supposed to go to Penn Station but I just don't know where that is!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: queenofscots

Guy on cell: I don't get it–why go all the way to Ireland if you're not going to go see Stonehenge?

–Costco, Brooklyn

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Is this Times Square?

–85th & 1st

Overheard by: Special K

It’s Not Bacon?

Lady #1: Canadia is a continent!
Lady #2: No, Canadia is definitely a state.

–Subway

Overheard by: Cathi

I Don’t Recommend Asking for That, Though

Woman #1: I’m so going to get pregnant this year so I can have a tummy tuck done cheaper.
Woman #2: Fuck that. Go to Vietnam. They do liposuction for, like, five bucks. They call it ‘five dollar sucky sucky.’

–6th Ave, West Side

Overheard by: Raychel

How Would You Feel If Someone Said You Were from the Upper West Side?

Preppy guy: She's half Mexican. Her father is from Spain.
Preppy girl: Wouldn't that make her half Spanish, not Mexican?
Preppy guy: What is the difference?

–83rd St & 2nd Ave

Populated by Ignorant Yet Stylish Tourists?

Girl to friend: I don't even know what Morocco's like.
Friend: Well, they filmed Sex and the City 2 there–that's what it's like!

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: AMC

We’re Sure There’s a “Brazilian Rainforest” Joke in Here Somewhere

Student #1: She’s from the Dominican Republic, right?
Student #2: Um, yeah, I think so.
Student #1: Is she classy…?
Student #2: Eh, not really, no. At the meeting the other day, she was wearing a skirt. I could see her cooch.
Student #3: [Just joining the conversation] What’s a cooch?
[Silence.]Student #1: Her vagina.
Student #2: Her forest. Except it was barren. There were no trees. Barren.

–Columbia University

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