Grocery Stores

Middle aged woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find English muffins?
Teen employee: All the muffins are in that aisle over there, but I don't know where they are from.

–Waldbaums Supermarket, Bayside

Guy #1: They don’t have my supplement here.
Guy #2: Try the health food store.
Guy #1: I would, but every time I go in there that woman tries to clean my aura.

–CVS, Bleecker Street

Yuppie screenwriter girl: So I was a very precocious child. Or whatever, y'know. And I just wanted to explore that dynamic a little bit? Basically it's a buddy picture between the little me and the big me.

–14th & 8th

Yuppie woman: And what do I say to that? "I have a smack habit, give me money"!

–St. Mark's Place

Yuppie man: If I hear "breast milk cupcakes" one more time…

–Outside Gotham Bar and Grill

Yuppie, thoughtfully: It's not the mustard, it's what the mustard represents!

–Food Emporium, 2nd Ave

Little boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Little boy: But I'm begging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time until it's Hanukkah, buddy.
Little boy: Now you'll never get me a present!
Dad: (begins to leave with the little boy)
Little boy: I am not moving until it's Hanukkah!

–Bagel Shop, The Village

Overheard by: wilpon

Creepster: Hey there… do you like drugs? … How about Gandhi?

–Chambers &and West Broadway

Girl on cell: So I opened the envelope on the train… Yeah it was heroin.

–W 46th Ave

Bum: Excuse me! Hey, hey! Excuse me! Check it out! I am going to smoke crack all fucking night, and there isn’t anything anyone can do about it, because that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to smoke so much crack!

–West 4th at Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Cory

Guy to hungover girl: Everyday you look more and more like you do heroin.

–Relish Bar & Grill

Preppy dude: I like doing drugs too much to be a Buddhist.

–Arlene’s Grocery

Mom to ten-year-old son: … But that’s like saying heroin is the only drug to try!

–14th St & 9th Ave

Guy: Thanks, ma’am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me “ma’am?”? Do I look like a ma’am? I don’t look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; “ma’am” is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me “hot mama”?

–Gourmet Garage, Broadway

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

American lady: I saw you trying to get ahead of me.
Russian lady: No, no I didn’t.
American lady: Oh yes, you did. You were trying to pull that Russian two-step on me!

–Waldbaum’s, Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Deborah Olin

Adult friend: Your mommy just had a baby! How is Jack* doing? Does he have a lot of bottles?
Little girl: No, just boobies.

–Economy Candy, Lower East Side

Woman: I'm from Utah.
Fruit vendor: Utah!? I've never even heard of anybody from Utah!

–Union Square Farmers Market

Overheard by: I've *heard* of them, but I don't believe in them

Girl #1: A fawn is an animal? I was just guessing.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's a small deer, like Bambi.
Girl #1: Bambi was a fawn?! I thought he was a cantaloupe!
Girl #2: You mean an “antelope”!

–Union Square Food Emporium