Lady: …and a half-pound of roasted brussels sprouts with peas.
Counter guy: Those are actually pearl onions, ma’am.
Lady: Well, the sign says peas.
Counter guy: I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, but the person who made that sign is an idiot…No really, that’s her over there. Complete dipshit.
–Gourmet Garage, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: Jamie Lloyd
Woman: Why the fuck would you put a chicken in the juice machine?
Man: It’s common sense.
–72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Alexei Lebedev
Slutty lesbian chick buying ice cream: So then she says “Scream! I'm going to keep spanking you until you scream!”
Slightly less slutty chick: So what did you do?
Slutty lesbian chick: Well, I wanted it to be hot, but when it came out it wasn't so much an “I'm getting spanked, and it's hot” scream as it was an “I'm shitty and it hurts” grunt.
–Grocery Store, The Bronx
Cashier #1: Me and my ex-boyfriend are on common ground.
Cashier #2: What does that mean?
Cashier #1: We both know it will never work out between us.
Cashier #2: Didn't he say he wanted to knock you up again or something?
Cashier #1: Yes.
–Grocery Store, Chelsea
Overheard by: Torch
Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Poogins
Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're…25!
–Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk
Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person.
–Central Park Bench
Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher
Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!"
–Penn Station
Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza.
–72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: T. Ryan
Girl: He has a really amazing skull.
–Bakery, Cortelyou Road
Guy to friend: Why is that girls can get away with picking their noses?
–170th St & Broadway
Loud girl on cell in line at deli: You know I have bladder issues whenever I have sex!
–Broadway & Ooper
Lady suit, screaming into cell: Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! I need a goddamn colon cleanse!
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Colin
Boyfriend: Hun, where are the turkey bags?
Girlfriend: Hunny! They are right in front of your eyes!
Boyfriend: Oh, I see them, thanks.
Girlfriend: What would you ever do without me?
Male stranger: You would be a lonely bachelor like me.
Girlfriend: Oh! That's sad.
–Fairway Foods, 125th St
Overheard by: spencer dorn
Female customer: Does my ShopRite card work here?
Bored cashier: No, this is a Gristedes.
Customer: Well, I was just curious about their relationship.
Bored cashier: Like any good relationship, it's all about boundaries.
–Gristedes
Overheard by: bemused
Asian girl on cell: Yeah… or I could just knock her teeth out and sell them on eBay or something.
–Chelsea Market
Overheard by: Alyssa
Girl on cell: And out of nowhere dude a goddamn peacock feather hit me in the teeth!
–Starbucks, 8th & 39th
Old man: I can smell my own tooth decay!
–Times Square
Overheard by: One Liners Are The Best
Lady on cell: I don't know what to do. I'm like nervous… I know… I haven't bought toothpaste in years…
–Duane Reade
Guy on phone: The difference between you and me is you drink tea and eat tofu. I drink whiskey and make people eat their teeth.
–48th & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rebecca
Little boy: Myrtle kissed me. She is so sweet of me.
Mom: She's “sweet of you”? You're three years old. How do you know those words? Well, no one should kiss you except family members.
–K-Mart, Astor Place
Overheard by: Alexandra
