Health and Hygiene

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

–74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel

3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca

Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

— 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily

Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

–1st Ave between 12th & 13th

Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

–1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Liners Ask: You Eating That?

JAP: Ew! I think the turkey in this salad is ham.

–30th & 7th

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Sparkling conversationalist: I couldn’t eat for a while. It destroyed my appetite, and it totally killed the tapeworm. So tonight I can eat a good amount, but not a tapeworm amount.

–Lafayette between 4th & Astor

Overheard by: uncle frank

Girl: I hate eating fish, except when my grandma makes it. She makes it taste like beef.

–Central Park

Girlfriend to boyfriend: It wasn’t just the egg roll, Jerry; it was all of last week.

–Washington Square

Discerning sniffer: It smells good in here…like Spam.

–Medical office, Canal & Bowery

Thug: Yo, do I still got mad hummus on my lip?

–F station, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: cara

Woman to little girl: You stick that in your mouth now before I shove it down your throat! I bought that ice cream, now stick it!

–11th & 1st

Overheard by: Jamieson

You Have High Denture Standards

Girlfriend: She fell off her bike and broke all her teeth, so now she has fake ones.
Boyfriend: Well, couldn’t she get white ones? I mean, were they not giving out human teeth that day?
Girlfriend, getting up and hugging him: That’s why I love you.

–Cafe Gitane, Mott & Prince

Overheard by: tea sipper

See, First I Got Some Wood. Then…

Brooklyn queer #1: It’s like that time I had mono and sat on my stoop for three days, whittling wood.
Brooklyn queer #2: I swear to God, if you tell that story one more time I’m going to shoot myself.

–6th St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

If She Doesn’t Put ‘Mexican’ in the Thesis Title, They Take Her Grant Money Away

Dental hygienist: What is your dissertation going to be on?
Grad student: The cultural barriers to health care for Mexican-born migrant farm workers.
Dental hygienist: How about the cultural barriers to health care for German-American dental hygienists with $2,500 deductables, instead?

–Hunter College

We’ve Taken the Calories in This KFC Chicken and Replaced Them With Styrofoam. Let’s See If Our Diners Notice the Difference!

Cashier #1: I’ve tried to lose weight, but it’s hard.
Cashier #2: You just need a diet chicken.
Cashier #1, after a pause: What the hell is a diet chicken?

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: Candy

Next Time We Go Drinking, I Will Not Talk to Janet About My Weight Issues

Woman #1: Hey!! How are you?! How’s the cellulite??
Woman #2: Um. Hey. It’s…fine.

–33rd & 6th

Overheard by: kelly

I Charge $200 For That!

Girl: Oh, I have to buy new whitening strips.
Boy: How come?
Girl: Well, with that storm last night, the wind must’ve blown everything on top of the toilet into the toilet. And I had to pee in the middle of the night, and it was dark. I thought it was a head in the toilet. But I turned on the light, and it was just my whitening strips.
Boy: Why would you turn the light on if you thought there was a head in the toilet?
Girl: I needed to know if it was a head. I wasn’t just gonna pee on someone’s face.

–A train

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Left Behind

Girl: This has sterile in it. I can’t buy this; I’m allergic to sterile.

–Duane Reade, 17th & 3rd

Overheard by: mk

American woman, to Arab cashier: What, you didn’t understand what I said? Man, you illiterate.

–Classon Ave, Brooklyn

Chick: I mean, I wasn’t really mentally thinking about it.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Frat boy: Why do they call it “Steak Shack” when it doesn’t sell steaks?

–Shake Shack, Madison Sq Park

Drunk teen girl, raising her beer: Here’s to independence…and the only country that’s got it!

–Waterside Plaza

Overheard by: David Slone

Teen girl: Rebecca wanted to get brown. But brown is such a black color…Well, not that it’s black. But you know.

–D train

Overheard by: Rachel

Young guy to his girlfriend: Shut your fuckin’ mouth when you’re talking to me!

–Outside of K-mart, Astor Place

Overheard by: snap snap

Wasn’t Roosevelt a Character on the Early Sesame Street Episodes?

Girl #1, showing Girl #2 a website: Look at how beautiful this place is; it’s in Rhode Island.
Girl #2: I love Rhode Island. I used to go there a lot.
Girl #3: Yuck, why would you go to Rhode Island? That’s where that mental institution is. Why would you want to go there?
Girl #2: No, Rhode Island is a state in our country. You mean Roosevelt Island, and that institution has been closed for, like, ever.

–W 77th St

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