Insults

Oh! The Fucking Places You’ll Go!

Conductor: Everything’s running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin’ normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin’… fuckin’ anywhere!

–Q train

Overheard by: office peon

Headline by: Marc

Runners-Up:

· “Alice in Wonderland, New York Style” – Anastasia Poushkareva

· “Around the Hood in Eighty Days” – ad neal

· “I Meant My Colon” – I Got Real Mail

· “Just a fuckin’ small town girl, livin’ in a fuckin’ lonely world…” – karaoke queen

· “Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself.” – mark manne

· “Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don’t mix” – mike


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

All NYC Kindergarteners Now Learn About Bernie Madoff

Six-year-old boy, crying to his mother: Because… (sniff) …he's a fff… He's a fff… He's a fucking sonofabitch! (cries)
Mother: What?

–Brooklyn

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle Of Wednesday One-Liner!

Dude in full garb on Halloween, clearly losing the argument to his friends: But it's not a foreign object to a pirate!

–East Village

Overheard by: chris k

Girl wearing duct tape cat ears on the fountain in Columbus Circle: I have been crowned the pirate queen!

–Columbus Circle

Guy in business casual to woman in business casual: Yeah, that's the thing about parrots. If they smell smoke and you open their cage, they are outta there. Screw that pirate.

–Uptown 3 Train

Young woman on cell: Those pirates are soooo thin.

–9th Ave & 47th St

The Village Bicycle’s Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: So I asked my doorman if I brought anyone home with me last night and he said he didn’t know! I told him it’s his job to know!

–Outside 145th subway station

Hipster girl: Santa is a man whore!

–45th & 8th

College girl: And then we’re having what I thought was a nice one night stand, and then, he’s all like "what are you doing?"

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: silvver

Indian girl: I need to up my sex number. I either wanna sleep with a professor or a celebrity. (long pause) Wait! Professors are like celebrities!

–72nd and Amsterdam

Overheard by: Vincent

Teen girl to friend: … And then my mom said to me "don’t be a ho."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Lotte

Girl: She is such a fuckin’ slut. (Pause, then indignantly) How you gonna sleep with someone for four dollars?

–Bergen and Smith

Isn't That a Lil' Kim Song?

Overweight black woman #1: She's just lying on the beach now, sippin' Bahama Mamas or some shit.
Overweight black woman #2: Shoot, girl. That's the life.
Overweight black woman #1: Ah, hell no. Fuck Bahama Mamas. I need me a penis, alotta.

–St. Mark's Place & 1st

Overheard by: Danny

What the Hell Is a Walkman?

Headphones guy singing R. Kelly and dancing: It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby — I’m about to have me some fun!
Passerby: I bet that Walkman doesn’t even have batteries in it. Also, he sucks.

–Bryant Park platform

She’s Grieving, You Bitch!

Skank: Oh, god… It’s just so sad. I mean, that fuckah was just so young. He got so many women. Why he had to die?
Woman trying to talk on cell: Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that.
Skank: I mean, I woulda done anything for him… Anything at all… Great fuck… Great fuckah… Sad. [Train stops.] I gotta go.
Woman, back to caller: Hun? Sorry about that. Some girl wouldn’t stop talking. I think she was going to the first funeral that didn’t take place in her womb.

–A train

I Have Made My Point, and You Have Made Yours.

Old time New Yorker to EMS workers and crowd: Sit down!
Suburban princess: God! Have some compassion! Can't you see she's sick?
Old time New Yorker: Fuck you!

–Subway Series 2007, Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Amazed Mets Fan

No Comment.

NYU girl #1: What the hell is the professor talking about? We can't use the internet to do research?
NYU girl #2: She doesn't know what she's talking about.
NYU girl #1: I mean, an article in The New York Times is totally an academic resource, even if I look at it on their web page. Does she think The New York Times isn't right?
NYU girl #2: Yeah, fuck her!
NYU girl #1: I also cited the bible in my paper, but that's totally an academic source.

–Waverly Place

Someone Should Tell Her the Classy Part Is Contained in 0.25 Square Miles of the Upper East Side

Mother, to little boy, who is trying to sneak behind some dividers: Stop it. You can’t do that!
Little boy: Why not?
Mother: Because this is New York! People here have more class than you!

–Bouchon Bakery, Time Warner Center, Columbus Circle

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