Insults

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Socratic Method

Columbia grad student: …developing a really spectacular
sense of intellectual arrogance.

–Columbia University

Professor, receiving text message in class: Ooh. That’s interesting. Invitation to go dancing, not from my girlfriend. Thank God I’ve got permission… We’re never going to get to anything today, are we? I’m so bad at this…

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chinese professor: You see Chinese like tofu, you never use it.

–John Jay College

Overheard by: soccerking3t

Teen guy: So I ended up in a dress. I don’t think English class will ever be the same.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha

Sadistic professor: Unfortunately we don’t flog people anymore. You usually pass out after you finish screaming.

–Fordham, the Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Drunken pre-med to drunken boy teetering on a concrete railing: Reed, if you fall, I’m not a doctor yet!

–West Village, 8th & 14th

Overheard by: annie

NYU girl to professor: So, if you’re sleeping with Nietzsche, you shouldn’t ask the question, "What are you thinking?"

–NYU classroom, Mercer & Houston

I Have Faith That You Can Do 'em All

Trashy Jersey bimbo, looking around the room: I've made out with almost everyone in here.
Trashy Jersey dude: You're a slut!

–10th & 18th

The Cutest Quote We've Had in a While

Thug, cradling very small pit bull puppy: Oh man, I can't be bothered to train him to be tough. He's gonna be a cuddly mothafucka.
Girl, cradling different puppy: Word.

–L Train

Scarlett Johansson's Wearing Wednesday One-Liners This Season

(Asian tourist walks onto subway with large panda-head shaped hat)
Random guy: Take off that silly ass hat!

–Uptown 1 Train

Guy: When I wear my other coat, I look like a yak.

–Mott St

Overheard by: robin

Thug to friend: I totally know fashion designers. I know who Hill-finger is.

–Thompson Street, SoHo

Drunk guy to orthodox Jew: Nice lid.

–Near Herald Square

Guy walking out of subway: Then she came in and told me to put the mask on.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Sarah

History teacher to class: Now, if you want a decent straw hat, do not make one.

–Millennium High School

Overheard by: Adriana

Gee, I Thought It Was an Easy One

Young Hasidim selling menorahs: Are you Jewish?
Old WASP lady in fur coat, disgusted: What kind of question is that?!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Afrocurl

Someone’s Been to the Learning Annex

Mom: What?…What?
Tween boy: That woman–
Mom: Nah, boy. You need to learn how to crack on people. Gotta be quick on that shit. ou too late.
Tween boy: But–
Mom: Don’t even try. It ain’t gonna be funny. You too late.

–3 train

Nice Hat, Though

Preppy guy #1: Oh, man, I can’t believe you. You’re just such a… a gay cowboy.
Preppy guy #2: Haha, Brian’s* not a cowboy.
Brian*: Oh, thanks, dude. Thanks.

–Macy’s

Overheard by: greg

Last Time I Did That, I Made a Mess of the Stockroom

Employee #1: It’s just that the customers get really pissed off when we do that.
Employee #2: Fuck the customers!
Employee #1: Oh. Yeah.

–Outside Store, 125th Street, Harlem

Overheard by: Maggie

The College Reunion Was a Mistake, Huh?

Student: How was your break?
Math teacher: Screw you!

–Hunter College High School

Overheard by: citysnidget

One Day the Electoral Process Will Be Replaced by Ultimate Fighting

Little thug #1: Obama ain't takin' no shit. He'll be at the United Nations and shit, runnin' up on them niggas, talkin' “Yo! You a-rab terrissas and shit best not be fuckin' with us! And make that oil cheaper, niggas, cause I ain't about spending no three dollars for fuckin' gas!”
Little thug #2: Yeah, and what if they say, “fuck you nigga,” what then?
Little thug #1: Then Obama is gonna get all Rodney King on they ass! He'll be all, “Wham! Wham! I'll teach you niggas to fuck with the black President!”

–Times Square

Overheard by: Big Larry

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