Kids

There's a Wednesday One-Liner in My Hair! Get It Out! Get It Out!

Guy: I don't think bees even have vaginas.

–23rd & 3rd

Suit to another: I want him scrutinized. At a gnat's ass level!

–Midtown Office

Middle school thug: I been radioactivatin' spiders in my kitchen.

–C Train

Overheard by: Emily B.

Mother to five-year-old boy: No, you can't buy grandma a plastic spider for Christmas!

–74th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane's Husband

Guy on cell: Hey, did I tell you I got drunk last night and ordered 1,500 ladybugs off the internet?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ashley

Nothing Like a Spirited Game Of Who's-the-Crack-Baby

Mom, loudly: Who does mommy love?
Screaming toddler, holding cup in stroller: Tee tee tee!
Mom: Mommy loves the baby! And who's the baby?
Child: Tee tee tee!
Mom: Are you the baby?
(child starts crying)
Mom: Oh, stop that! You're old enough to drink a latte, so quit crying.

–183rd St & Ft. Washington Ave

Overheard by: Anna

It’s my turn! I Paid for Half of her Time!

Little boy in stall: Mmeeaahaaaaeeah!
Slightly older boy outside stall: Stop it!
Little boy in stall: Boobies!! Boobies!! Boobies!! Boobies!!

–Bathroom, Bruno, E 58th St

Overheard by: I’ll have what he’s having.

He’s Only Ever Seen Them at Whole Foods

10-year-old #1: Man, if I was a duck, I would be like Darkwing duck, except I would have a jet pack so I could fly.
10-year-old #2: Dude, ducks can fly.
10-year-old #1: No they can’t, man. That’s why I would have a jet pack. Vrooom!

–Battery Park

Lesbians All Over the World Cross Their Fingers This Is a Hoax

Mom: I am telling you, you have to stop chewing your toothbrush to pieces… And now you are on to razors! Your stomach is going to explode like Anna’s.
20-ish daughter: That’s because Anna eats pussy.
Mom, smacking daughter on the head: Well, the next stop is Dyckman. Do you want to get out there and have your stomach explode, too?

–1 train, 207th St

Don’t You Say “Fuck You, Cocksucker,” Mommy?

Three-year-old tripping as train leaves platform: Jesus Christ!
Mother: Derek! … Did you learn that from church, or from when Mommy gets mad at Daddy?

–B train

Overheard by: Mike DS

It's the Prospect of Going Home to Queens, Honey

Little boy watching a man: What the fuck?
Mother, reading a newspaper: You better watch your mouth today, little boy!
Little boy: But mommy, he keeps banging his head on the pole!
Mother, watching the man: What the fuck?

–F Train

Overheard by: It looked painful.

Why Kids Shouldn't Have Kids: a Play in Two Acts

Adolescent mother to four-year-old daughter: Look at your sexy legs… you got a sexy body.
(10 minutes later)
Adolescent mother to four-year-old daughter: You gonna fall and crack ya fuckin head open.

–LIRR

Overheard by: dr. positive washington

That's Not What Papi Says

Young African American child pulling mother's hand: Ándale! Ándale!
African American mother: Cut that out! You're not Mexican!

–103 & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Alex

When I Was Pregnant, I Was All, “I Want an Abortion! I Want an Abortion!”

Little boy, seeing long line for movie tickets: I’m not waiting! This line is too long!
Mom: You have to learn to wait in lines… God, you complain more than a pregnant woman.

–Brooklyn

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