Kid: Mama! Can I get these chips?
Woman: Uh-uh! That shit is a dollar! That means no change! Put it back! [Turns to friend] I can’t believe these damn kids with my fuckin’ money! I work eight days a week! And I ain’t suckin’ no dick!
Friend: Mmm-hm.
–145th St & Edgecombe Ave
Overheard by: Sam
Ten-year-old wannabe thug: I'ma put this can of pepper spray up your ass! You want me to put this up your ass?!
–Old Navy, Harlem
Worried bearded 50-something: Yeah, but how are we going to film an anal birth!?
–F Train
Street vendor selling his wares: I will shove your foot up the devil's ass!
–St Mark's Place
Yankee stadium employee yelling to another: Hey, wouldja bend over for a minute? I'll be right back!
–Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: torrie
Gay teen: His hole was as big as a traffic cone!
–1st & 14th
Sinfully ugly girl: I have to stop putting things in my ass.
–forever 21 (queens center mall)
Overheard by: defragment my harddrive
Guy: Which one of you woke up late this morning, you or your momma?
Daughter: Oh, my mom.
Mom: No, I didn’t oversleep, I just got caught up doing schoolwork.
Guy: Shoot, do you think Jesus had excuses when he was dying on the cross?
–B67 bus
Mother: Fee fie fo fum!
Very young daughter: I have me a smelly bum!
Mother: Oh dear.
–McCarren Park
Overheard by: Todd Dillard
Principal: And can anyone tell me what is so significant about Barack Obama becoming president today?
Five-year-old: He's the first brown president.
–P.S. 290
Overheard by: TA who hears everything
Exasperated hipster chick on cell, rolling eyes: Well, you probably should have known. I mean, I told you yesterday it was a terrible idea to go out and get wasted the night before you work with cadavers…
–83rd & 1st
Overheard by: i’ll remember that for next time…
Little boy pointing to top of Trump Tower: If I fell off of that, I would die!
–Trump Tower
Overheard by: Horrified
Suit to another: … So at, like, four a.m. this morning I rolled over to feel her, and she was, like, dead.
–44th & 8th
Overheard by: Glad I’m not sleeping with him
Old lady on cell: Well, I may be dead by then, so it might be a waste of your money.
–Fairway, 73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jessie
Man on cell: … Yeah, but wouldn’t my witness getting killed be bad?
–Key Food, Kew Gardens Hills, Queens
Overheard by: kilbasi
Third grader: Miss Hannah, let’s make a deal — if you give me an ax, I’ll give you 10 corpses.
–PS 41
Overheard by: Student Teacher
Catholic pre-K teacher: On Good Friday bad men killed Jesus and he died.
Four-year-old boy: Who killed Jesus?! I will kill him with my gun!
–Queens Catholic Elementary School
Overheard by: Sophia
(six-year-old boy tries to cross street against traffic)
Father, grabbing boy's hand: Whoa, little man! That's dangerous!
Six-year-old boy: Daddy, I eat danger for breakfast.
–Ocean & Newkirk, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Well I eat razors and nails.
Son: Mom, are the bears in the zoo tame?
Mom: No, just depressed.
–Herald Square
Overheard by: PSJ
Elementary schooler #1: Next week you can come and sleep over. And you know what I’m gonna do?
Elementary schooler #2, quivering with excitement: No, what?
Elementary schooler #1: The same thing as last time! [Both start giggling.]
–F train
Overheard by: I wish they could quit that
