Offers and requests

It's Like Riding a Moped… Fun Till Your Friends See You

Overweight effeminate guy: Listen, if I'm gonna have sex with a fat chick, no one is gonna know about it.
Fag hag: Well, what's the point if no one will ever know?

–W Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Dopeman

Headline by: winona

Runners-Up:
· “For the Tax Deduction.” – KJM
· “I Prefer My Charitable Donations to Be Anonymous” – Give’til it hurts
· “It Builds Character?” – Underweight effeminate guy
· “See If the Judge Will Take It As Your Community Service” – Kenneth
· “Shake Your Harpoon and Say, “Thar, She Blew Me”” – Professor Coldheart
· “Why Billy Wasn’t Able To Stay in the Closet for Very Long” – J

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

But I May Need an Emergency Guava Later

Older mother: Do you need a pomegranate, or are you good?
Teen: I'm good.

–Fruit Cart, 18th & 6th

Overheard by: EthanK

Almost Nobody Ever Understands English

Conductor: Please do not hold the doors. (pause) Get out of the door, please. (long pause) Get out of the fucking doors, please. (pause) Jesus, don't you people understand English here?
Blonde: Somebody needs to get laid, bad.

–1 Train

Overheard by: pierre

Adam Smith's “Invisible Hand” at Work

Old grimy man to cute young bartender: Will you marry me?
Bartender: No!
Old man: I'll pay you.
Bartender: How much?
Old man: $30,000.
Bartender: Ummm… No, I would need at least 3 million.
Old man (shaking his head and talking to himself): I don't get it. It's just not fair. $30,000 is a lot of money.

–Cobblestones Pub

Overheard by: kapnasty

Headline by: hearer

Runners-Up:
· “From the Pilot for “X-Rated Price Is Right”” – BobBugger
· “Just Go Home, Mr. Hefner.” – playgeezer
· “The Market Ain’t What It Used to Be” – Rob
· “Well If You Won’t Marry Me, Will You at Least Be My Running Mate?” – Michelle
· “When Did Heather Mills Start Bartending?” – Paul Ferris

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

A Wednesday in Need Is a One-Liner Indeed

Angry man on cell: I need a friend in my life! Do you hear me?! …I don't care! I'm not leaving my wife for anyone!

–Roosevelt Ave, Flushing

Overheard by: oh, you thought my ipod was on

Girl to friend: Tomorrow I'm finally unpacking and I'm buying a new sundress to wear on Sunday when I go out to brunch with my new love interest. But he doesn't know that's the direction our friendship is headed.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Older woman with teased black hair on cell: But Frank, I don't want you to write a song about me. I want things to be as they were, friends when we were normal. Don't write me a song.

–Staten Island Ferry

Girl to friend: Well, I'm friends with him too and I didn't sleep with him.

–Shake Shack, Union Square

Girl to friend: I'm willing to let you sleep with my best friend and you still want more?

–W 31 & 6th

Overheard by: misery

Angry woman on cell: And then he told this complete stranger, "My ex-wife had lesbian lovers! My ex-wife slept with young boys!" We've been divorced for six years and he's still talking shit about me, but he says he wants to be friends?!

–2nd St & Ave A

Overheard by: voidoid

Otherwise Known As Fat Cow Disease

Adorable little boy: Mommy, can I have a Hershey bar?
Mom: Yes.
Adorable little boy: I want this big one.
Mom: You can't have a candy bar that big…you might catch the obesity virus.

–Broadway & 2nd

Matching Sets Are All the Rage This Season

Ten-year old girl: Can I have another baby?
Mom: Um… No…maybe two.

–W 238th & Broadway

Overheard by: Krisztina, hoping to God they're talking about dolls

Only Under the Table, Though

Fabulous diner ordering coffee: …with half and half.
Waiter: We're a dairy free restaurant, but we have organic whole milk.

–Josie's, 74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Where's a dictionary?

Do They Have It in Braille?

Blonde #1: So, why don't we rent a movie? Like Grandma's Boy?
Blonde #2: But you've seen that movie like four times!
Blonde #1: I've seen the movie four times, but I've never really seen it, you know?

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: Just waiting to use the bathroom

If We Never See Another Negro Pizza Fund Wednesday One-Liner Again, It'll Be Too Soon

Hobo: Can you spare a donation to the united negro pizza fund?

–120th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Mikey T

Hobo: Would you like to make a donation to the united negro pastrami fund?

–21st & Park Ave

Overheard by: Lawrence C

Hobo: Hello ladies, would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund?

–Broadway, SoHo

Bum on street: Please give to the united negro pizza fund.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Squid

Hobo: Contribute to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund!

–Prince & Wooster

Black hobo to tourists: Would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami fund?

–Bleecker & Leroy

Overheard by: Lynn

Hobo: Please give to to the united negro pizza fund. A pepperoni is a terrible thing to waste. (30 minutes later) What's the best nation? A do-nation!

–Outside Buddha Bar

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