On the Subway

Cookie Monster Greeted Them and Sang a Song to Explain ‘Up’ and ‘Down’

Man #1: Do you need help getting anywhere?
Momo #1: I dunno.
Momo #2: Umm, what’s that place? Penn something?
Momo #3: We need to go downtown to Grand Central Station.
Man #1: Oh, okay. You’re fine. You need to keep going uptown on this train.
Momo #2: Are you, umm, sure? ‘Cause it says we need to go downtown.
Momo #1: Maybe there’s more than one Grand Central, stupid.
Momo #2: Shut up!
Momo #1: Excuse me, is there more than one?
Woman: No, you ladies are fine. There’s only one, and you’re on the right train.
Momo #3: That’s so stupid. These directions told us we need to go downtown.
Momo #1: Yeah, like what’s up with that?
Man #2: It depends on where you start. If you were north of Grand Central you would have to go downtown, but if you were south of it you need to go uptown.

Three momos stare vacantly at man #2.

Woman: This is your stop, ladies.
Momo #2, walking off the train: This is probably the wrong Grand Central.

–Uptown 6 train

Overheard by: Beerinder

Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Your Penis Size…

Little girl: Daddy, how many stops are on this train?
Dad: Just one. It goes back and forth, back and forth all day.
Little girl: No it doesn’t.
Dad: Would I lie?
Little girl: Sometimes you do.

–S train

We Also Call It ‘That Dude Is About to Be Robbed’

Little girl: Why is everyone sleeping on the subway?
Mom: They’re bored. Bored people sleep, read the paper, or listen to music. You see that guy over there, the one who’s sleeping and reading the paper? We call that multitasking.

–Manhattan bound N train

Overheard by: Multitasking on the N

It’s Like Catholics Who Get Divorced or Have Abortions

Shiksa girl #1: Oh, now I get it!
Shiksa girl #2: Get what?
Shiksa girl #1: Jews for Jesus. See, Jews don’t usually believe in Jesus, but these ones do.
Shiksa girl #2: That totally makes sense. That’s why they’re called “Jews for Jesus”!
Jewish dude: They’re not Jews. They’re Christians.
Shiksa girl #2: But it says “Jews for Jesus”!
Jewish dude: If you believe in Jesus, you aren’t a Jew.
Shiksa girl #1: I don’t get it.

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: Lauren Lerner

How to Get Brunettes to Take Their Tops Off

Blonde: She’s very chesty. Let me just say, I’ve seen her with no clothes on many times, and she has like the biggest tits I’ve ever seen. Seriously.
Boyfriend: Can you draw me a picture?
Brunette: I can’t believe you just told him that!
Blonde: What? Hell, I talk like that about all my friends.
Brunette: God, what do you say about me?
Blonde: That you have some of the smallest tits I’ve ever seen.
Brunette: These aren’t small!

–A train

Deadeye Dick

Guy #1: Don’t you hate when you are sitting on a toilet and need to spit, so you try to aim your spit in between your legs into the water, but you miss and get it all over your dick?
Guy #2: No, I never miss.

–G train

I’m Pretty Sure She Meant ‘Inconvenient’

Ghetto girl #1: So I took [the iPod].
Ghetto girl #2: See, if it was sitting on top I would take it, but I wouldn’t go through their bag. That’s just inconsiderate.

–Downtown D train

Overheard by: Brian
Headline by: Lisa

Runners-Up:
· “But When I Stabbed Her I Kept My Pinkie Finger Sticking Out” – tech98
· “Comes With Nano-Sized Morals and Earbuds to Block Out the Sounds of Your Cellmates” – Mia A.
· “If You Still Want to Listen to Nelly Furtado, Steal Another iPod Within 12 Hours” – Hunter North
· “It’s Not Like It Was Tied to His Wheelchair All That Tightly Either” – corey mcpubes
· “It’s Only Rape If She’s Wearing Undewear” – john
· “Martha Says: ‘When Jacking Someone’s Tunes, It’s Proper to Leave an Origami Swan in Their Bag. It’s a Good Thing.'” – Jatmos
· “Maybe She Was Borrowing It From a Friend, You Racist Fucks” – ceci
· “She’s Practicing So She Knows How to Get Time Off For Good Behavior” – Shane
· “That Reminds Me of the Time I Found a Walkman Next to a Dead Rollerblader.” – Hobo Whisperer
· “There’s a Big Difference Between Stealing and Stealing” – Piret
· “When I Turned the Bag Upside Down, It Was on Top. DUH!” – Redneck Jedi

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Behind

Brooklyn guy: All I’m sayin’ is it goes without sayin’.

–Brooklyn bound D train

Overheard by: Robert Barry Francos

Hoochie on cell: I don’t want that. I’m looking for sauce. Sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce! S-A-U-S-C-E. Sauce!

–Waldbaum’s, Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Liz the Overheardista

Teen girl: Do you think Christmas will ever be on Friday the 13th?

–Times Square

Woman in elevator: She said 13…Where’s 13? What the… fuck? There’s no 13. Should I press 12? Or 14? What?…She said 13. Well I’ll just press both.

–22nd & Broadway

Overheard by: staring at the button for 13

Elderly woman, regarding painting: Would you look at the detail he put into this. It almost looks two dimensional.

–The Met

Overheard by: s.gothman

Tween boy: Did the dinosaurs come before or after Bible times?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Omg! He did not just ask that!

Too Bad. Planned Parenthood’s Hot Dogs Put Sabrett’s to Shame.

Teenage girl #1: So I was like, “What you goin’ fuckin’ do about it?”
Teenage girl #2: And…What’d he say?
Teenage girl #1: Motherfucker was like, “I’ll take you by Planned Parenthood in the mornin’. You need to get some after-shit.” I looked at him like, “What, motherfucker?!” That ain’t no 7-11 type o’ shit. I don’t want a fuckin’ hot dog. I wanna not be pregnant with your bitch ass kid.
Teenage girl #2: What’d he say?
Teenage girl #1: Nothin’. Bitch better keep his mouth shut.

–F train

Even Worse, it Was on His Mom’s Side

College kid #1: God, that girl over there’s hot!
College kid #2: Dude, you need to stop being so obsessed with chicks with tattoos. I fucked a girl with a tattoo, and it was pretty unpleasant.
College kid #1: That’s because she was 48 years old and a grandmother…[To entire train] Did everyone hear that? A grandmother!

–L train

Overheard by: Zak Santucci

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