Drunk customer: What kind of drunk return policy do you have?
Cashier: It’s a 14-day return policy.
Drunk customer: That’s not much of a drunk policy. Most guys get drunk and wake up next to women they regret the next day. Me? I wake up next to Dostoievsky and Dickens after a bender. I love New York!
–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope
Overheard by: Random
Suit on cell: It's not that I don't like people, I just think that they're expendable.
–Union Square Cafe
20-something to visiting family: We are about to go up a bunch of stairs. If you complain, you will be pushed back down them.
–Mulberry & Canal
Laughing suit to others: So, yeah, I just stepped over the body.
–42nd St & 5th Ave
Mother to small crying child: Honey, I did listen to you, but I can't make myself care.
–V Train
Overheard by: Hunter
Russian Man: Don’t push.
Spanish Lady: This is the subway. What do you expect?
Russian Man: Well, you don’t have to push.
Spanish Lady: Welcome to New York City!
Russan Woman: Yeah, welcome to New York City.
Spanish Lady: You welcoming me? You’re the one with the accent!
–L Train
Cum slut: I thought the spermicide would take the sperm away. But it stayed in there and just got itchy. And burns.
–Ginger, Ave. A
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Woman: So I asked for a slice with mushrooms, and the girl’s like ‘Well, can you wait?’, and I’m like ‘This is New York! No, I can’t wait!’
–Association of Graphic Communications, 7th Avenue
Hipster screamed out: “Michael Bloomberg has electricity now!”
Woman, 50s: “You look so rested, so refreshed. Have you lost weight?” That’s what you want them to say. Not, “you look like you’ve had 3 inches of skin on your face tightened.”
Friend, 50s: Did you go back to work right after?
Woman, 50s: Not right after. Because of the bruising. But it’s New York. I could have 2 heads and no one would notice.
–Ollie’s, UWS
Overheard by: TG
Teenage girl: You know you're from New York when you've never been to the Empire State Building.
Mother, after pause: Oh, yeah…
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Lindsey
Local-seeming girl: So this is Chelsea.
Touristy guy: Hmmmm, smells really good!
(girl gives him dirty look)
–24th & 8th Ave
Man: It's just frustrating walking behind really slow people.
Woman: He was handicapped!
Man: It's still frustrating.
–21st St & Park Ave
