Panhandling

Very drunk African American guy to sober white guy: Yo, Wesley Snipes! You got any change?
Sober white guy: First of all, I'm not Wesley Snipes…

–Fulton Mall, Brooklyn

(20-something woman hands hobo a dollar bill)
Hobo: A dollar? All you can spare is a lousy dollar?
20-something woman: Fine! Give it back!

–42nd & Madison

Hobo: Hey, lady, can ya please spare some change?
Chick: You need subway fare? I think I have a few bucks left on my metro card…
Hobo: That ain’t gonna help me, bitch. It’s booze I need! Booze!

–53rd & Lex station

Working man: Yo, what's that?
Hobo, shaking cup of coins: Huh?
Working man: What is that?
Hobo: It's a cup, you got any money?
Working man: Yeah, I got money in my pocket.
Hobo: Well, gimme some!
Working man: I ain't got money to be givin' away. I just did my eight hours.
Hobo: Well, I'm gettin' my eight hours too, shit!

–F Train

Overheard by: ninja

FDNY lieutenant to EMTs: Hey, get this! Some guy just called 911 because some guy looked scary!

–34th & 10th

Overheard by: guy in back of ambulance

Gay guy to another: I'm terrified of successful women!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Moy

(guy with drums finishes a performance in the train)
Guy with drums: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. Help a brother out and donate some money if you enjoyed this performance. (lady in front of him looks scared)
Please donate and if you don't know what to do or are scared, smile and nod. Everything will be okay.

–E Train

Overheard by: Sleepy

Crazy bag lady to high school boy: I ain't scared of you. I'll beat you with a crowbar. Cuz I gotta crowbar in my pussy and it's way up there!

–B54 Bus

Suit on cell: And I was scared, right? Because her legs were open in the cemetery.

–Gramercy Park

Bum: Hey you got some money so I can get an iced cappuccino?
Concerned white man: Sorry man, I don’t have any more.
Bum: I’m too lazy to work, HAHAHAHAH. [crazy cackle]

–71st & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Donny

Cop with hat tucked under arm to K-9 dog: Arooo-ooo-ooo!
K-9 dog: Ooouu-ooo-ooo!
Cop: Ouw-ouw-ouw!
K-9 dog: Arooo-ouw-ouw!
Cop and K-9 dog, in harmony: Ouw-ouw-ooooo!
Old man, putting $1 in cop's hat: Excellent.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Thomas

Two black guys get onto the train with congo drums and play.

Drums guy #1: Yo, thanks y’all for listenin’. We hope you can donate something to our cause to support our music. Let me tell y’all something…I’m gonna teach you something you ain’t gonna get from no college, from no book, from no studyin’, from no professor…you could have all the money and richness in the world, but if you have compassion, then you are the richest person in the world. You gotta have compassion for your fellow human beings–man, everything is relative–and once you realize that, then you understand compassion!…See, this gentleman here, he didn’t like our music and that’s cool. You didn’t like it, did you sir?
Suit: Actually, I did.
Drums guy #1: Aw, man! You shouldn’t have said that! That makes it worse that you don’t wanna help support our music! You don’t understand what it’s like out here.
Suit: Yes, I do. I’m a musician too. We’re all trying to make it.
Drums guy #1: Man! How can you say that? We like brothers, man. We connected. You know…you like my brother and you don’t wanna help a brother out…That’s rude…It’s like if you get a band and you got all your instruments and like, the curtain goes up, and you conducting them and shit, and you tell them to play and then there’s no sound! Man, we connected; don’t you know what that means?
Suit: It means I have a college degree and you don’t.

–1 train

Overheard by: Mikey

Hobo: Please help me, I’m hungry. Please help me, I’m hungry…
Suit: Don’t lie, motherfucker. You need that shit fo’ crack!

–D train

Hobo, walking quickly around a lady: You cannot fuck with a power walker!

–60th & 6th

Hobo on corner: Yo man, can I borrow like a hundred dollars plus tax?

–Outside Gray's Papaya

Panhandling teenager: I'm like Obama. I want change!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Canadian Girl

Hobo to self: I don't have anything against people with homes. Why, some of my very best friends have homes!

–E 35th & 6th Ave

Hobo to cops talking him away: Nah, man. I wasn't peeing on no stairs. What you don't understand is that I don't pee for anyone else, I pee for myself.

–145th Street Subway Station

Overheard by: Ben B.